10 Things I’ll Miss About You



1. When we first met at the hills, we connected like sisters from Lalaland. We’re like dumb blondes with LV handbags and on Jimmy Choo shoes. You reminded me of a big sister that I never had.

2. Our gimmick at OBar Ortigas was another treat! We’re like bitches on the dancefloor.

3. You were asking people for some naming ideas for your shop and you picked my suggestion. Ganda ng name di ba!

4. We banter, we heckle, we have our lucrative chit chats. Only you and E can keep up with this type of conversation with me.

5. The time when you asked me to hold your hand. You were scared because the dermatologist needs to inject something in your nakakagalit na pimple.

6. When I called you up around 7 in the morning to dish about your favorite friend. That was a hell of a wake-up call for you. Haha!

7. When you showed me an R-rated picture of you and A. OMG. Ewwwwww. Hahaha.

8. When we talk about music, drugs… and drugs. People around us were trying to figure out what the hell were we talking about.

9. Our not so frequent text messages. Especially the last one that I received from you. Wrong sent ka pa.

10. In Malate, I rode your bike, wrapped my arms around your waist. From Sonata to OBar just to make a scene. Oh diba.

You will be missed. I know that you are in a happy place. Until we meet again. Love you G!

And my CD4 is....




I had my CD4 count last Thursday. Was supposed to have it mid-December but I decided to have my CD4 test earlier. Dami activities this December, hence, puyatan.
So before the puyatan begins, better get my CD4 na. Well, I've been working on graveyard shift for the past 2 weeks and I'm sure medyo bumaba ang count ko. Anyway... I don't want to cheat on my CD4 count. Ayoko mandaya. So after work, I met up with Doraemon in Ayala. Doraemon will also make sabay for his CD4 count. Both of us dead tired from our shifts. Punyeta. Minus 50 CD4 I'm sure. He also needs to get the rashes in his back and chest checked.

We were early at the hills. Shola was there, naka push-up bra pa ang lola mo. Imagine... big boobs na naka push-up bra. NAKAKALUNOD. Yung pic dito... yes... that is Shol
a's boobs! A new pozzie was there and an echuserang pozzie. I called Ate Ana and she said she's on her way. So we waited and waited. Ate Ana then came, naka make-up ang lola mo. Biglang tingin sa akin and said... "Wag ka na magrereact!" I gave her a hug and a beso. Yes... Close. Hehehehe.

I was told to do fasting since it will be an annual PE
of some sort. Ate Ana asked if I ate something. I told her that I had coffee because I'm on GY. Pak. Di daw pwede. Kahit daw tubig bawal. Juskoh! So some of my tests will be rescheduled. All blood tests pwede but yung mga SGPT etc di pwede. Fine.

Urine. Viral Load (na kinukuhanan ako ng dugo pero N
EVER naman natetest). CD4. CBC. GT. Xray.

I went to the Xray lab first. Doraemon and the others to the clinical lab. Echuserang Poz was standing in the window when a local (yes... local) asked if nakapila si Poz. Poz said, "Walang pila" to manong with a tone na sarap suplakin sa fez. So manong local asked if he already paid for the whatever test. Sabi ni Poz frog, "I don't need to pay."


Pak. HOY BAKLANG ECHUSERANG PALAKA. UMAYOS AYOS KA. I know, free tests natin. Pero do respect manong local. He's just asking and curious bakit yung chaka mong fez eh nasa window eh di ka bayad. Oo nga, free tayo but that doesn't mean that we are more privileged than those who pays for their tests. ECHUSERA KA. Suplakin ko fez mo eh. Tapos may eyes rolling ka pa. CHAKA MO GIRL. Di ka kagandahan.

Anyway... so... xray... then blood tests... 3 vials were taken. Then urine test.

Doraemon and I went back to Ate Ana and asked if Doraemon can go to derma for the consult. Shet. 2PM pa daw. So we went to the lounge and waited. Doraemon said na umuwi na daw ako kasi I have work pa and malayo pa ang mansion ko. Nahiya ako kay Doraemon, sabi ko i wanna stay. Pero.. di kinaya ng energy ko so I went home. I left him sa quarters para maka tulog sya.

Got home at around 2PM. Natulog. Nagising ng 3PM. Doraemon calling...

"Lumabas na yung result. 164 na CD4 mo."

"Yes! Ikaw. Musta?"

"I dropped from 300+ to 250. Will start na on ARV. And I have shingles"

Bittersweet news. Happy that my CD4 doubled, and im on 3-digits na. Partida puyat ako. But kay Doraemon... Haaaay. I wish he can pull-out a magic something on his pouch. Like a mahiwagang camote to make himself feel better. He was crying when he was telling me the news.

Good thing though that the YFL group was there. Thanks to Babes, Yogi and Kitty for talking to Doraemon. Salamat and you were there. Hugs!

Anyway... di na ako nakatulog. I told my boss na I can't come to work. Late na ako nakatulog kakaisip... what i need to do for myself para bumongga ang CD4 ko. So I came up with some sort of resolutions for myself.

I’m making 8 resolutions or shall I say 8 vows for 2011…



1. I vow not to waste my time on things that "seem important"

2. Having mentioned number one, I vow to spend my time on things that are important. (e.g family, work, my life's purpose and my health)

3. I vow to spend money only on things I really need and to take joy in simply looking at pretty things I don't need. But yeah, a little luxury won't hurt. Little lang promise.

4. I vow to take full responsibility for my face. Hence, I will only frown at things that really need frowning at and take time to consider things I never thought were worth smiling for.

5. I vow to internalize that success is a journey and not an end. Hence, now is not too early to declare that I am successful.. and that everyday is a chance to feel successful.

6. I vow to overlearn that happiness is not the moving bunny in a horse race nor the star at the top of your christmas tree nor feeling high at around 3am. Happiness is ..the muscles of your abs. (you may have not felt it yet but believe me, it's there- it's inside of you).

7. I vow not to commit to anything that doesn't give me a reason to wake up cheerfully the next morning...or noon...or afternoon... or evening....

8. Finally, I vow not to make a career of something just because I am good at it. It has to be something I am great at, something which I enjoy doing and something my life's experiences has prepared me to do. I’ve worked for a lot of companies and I realized that it is better if you really like the job and not just the salary that goes with it. Believe me, money is not everything. But yeah, money is important in a way. But... again.. it is not everything.

Wishing everyone good health, good life, good sex life. A healthy appetite ngayong holidays. And to Doraemon, better health!

Cuddle


There are times where I feel the need to be comforted and a pillow won’t do. It’s not because I’m lonely. It’s because I want to feel the comfort and the warmth of another body. I need someone beside me, to cuddle with me.

It doesn’t have to be in bed. It can be on a sofa, a chair, or the floor. The floor... hehe. We don’t have to be naked. We can be fully clothed, wrapped in blankets. There doesn’t need to be any R-rated moments. The only thing we need is each other’s company.

Just to have somebody there, somebody in my nook, me in theirs, with an arm around me, or with my arm around them, feeling their faint breath on my neck, or mine in their hair. In the past, there’s nobody here. There’s nobody to cuddle with except for my pillow. But then I met him.

My Best Friend's Wedding



Saw my gay bestfriend and his partner last night. It's been almost a year since we saw each other. Both of us were pretty much busy with our careers and we have said our goodbyes to the usual gimmicks. It was a surprise that I saw him last night.

Talked to his partner, a VP in one of the biggest banks here in the country. Was supposed to work for that company but my current employer got me signing the job offer before I received an interview schedule with them. M asked me if I want to work for them since they need the best people in one of their projects. It got me thinking... he's offering me 2x the salary that I am getting now. Unfortunately, I have a 1 year bond with my current employer. Bummer right? I told him that I'll apply after my bond expires.

Is money really that important? In a way, yeah. It pays the bills. It buys you stuff. You can save and invest and buy a house, a car. Call me materialistic but it doesn't hurt to splurge a little. To have what you always want. And yeah... to save up for the future. You cannot live in love alone. Love doesn't feed you, usually it gives you indigestion. Blame it on the butterflies in your stomach.

Anyway... going back. My bestfriend is getting married next year. In their 1st year anniversary. I love my best friend. He's not afraid to show his sexuality, his love, himself to the world.

So that makes me one of the bride's maids in his wedding. But damn I don't wanna wear an ugly dress. Hahaha.

I love you bes!


Uno

Wrap your arms around me.
Keep me close, keep me warm.
Run your fingers up and down my arm.
Draw circles with your thumb.

Nuzzle my neck, head, and shoulders.
Breathe softly on my neck, my ears.
Lightly run your hand up and down my leg.
Lay your head against my shoulder.

Take my hand and lace our fingers together.
Gently rub your thumb with mine, hold my hand.
Hold me tight, make me feel wanted.
And fall asleep in each other’s arms.

Score

“Do not judge me, I am not a contestant…”

LOL. But seriously, it is only human that we are judged or at the very least, rated by people around us. But before others raise their scores ala-Showtime, have you rated yourself on a scale of 1-10?

People tend to rate themselves, scale of 1-10 when being compared to others. I think it’s fair, especially since it helps to level out the playing field. No one wants to have relations with someone out of their league. Well, except for social climbers and losers whose confidence is annoying.

I think I’m a 7/10. That’s equivalent to a B, or an +80%, or in UP, it’s 1.75 or 2.0. I like my score. I am not perfect. There’s room for improvement, and it’s a pretty good start. Unlike those who think they’re a 10 but are really a 7.5, I have some shit to back it up.

Like in any pageants, it’s not just about beauty. It’s about the whole package.

I am not gorgeous or fucking hot. Not a head turner even. But I am not fugly. It takes time to see the beauty in my quirkiness. Iba ang ganda ko… Haha. I’m not a pretty boy. But yeah, I look quite good. I know how to dress up properly. I have my own unique style. I know the things that are bagay to me. Some people doesn’t know the term “binabagayan.”

In terms of career, oh yeah, that I can say I have something. I’m not a manager though. I’ve been an individual contributor in the past 6 years from different companies. Meron. Meganon.

How about social standing… Well, I’m not really someone that everybody knows but I do have the Miss Congeniality award. I have friends (yes, friends) from different industries and groups. Eh yung iba kasi… kakilala lang. Ako, friends ko sila. Di dahil naki-sindi sa’yo ng yosi eh close na kayo. Kaloka.

Next… equity and investments. That I don’t have yet. I do support my mom and sister, and supported my sister in college. I guess that there’s some sort of investment on that one. I was not born rich. Di ako niregaluhan na lang bigla ng kotse. I work hard for my money. My supervisor talked to me last month and showed me how to do investment banking with at least 10K. Will probably do that next year. But I am proud with whatever I have… saka wala akong utang. I used to have a credit card but decided to cut it. There’s no such thing as a credit card for emergency purposes. You save money for emergency. You work and get a good HMO. Emergency shopping doesn’t count.

Personality is also a major factor in scoring yourself. You may not have the goods but if you do good, then you score high.

Some people have said I’m more than a 7/10... and others think I'm less worthy of that grade. Either way, all of these numbers give me a headache. This is just too much math for me. Anyway, I have my number 1 already. Hehehe... I love you!

Spotted


Been busy with work, spending a lot of time with my hubby, yoga 1x a week, etc. Enough about me, let’s talk about other people.

Spotted A: Seems that everyone is in a relationship these days. According to my friend, the term is.. “Umi-ina ka ha.” Umi-in-a-relationship. So who’s playing duets?

Love does exist even in the poz world. It’s Love in
the time of HIV. Cholera is sooooo 90s. FAs for my change in status.... hush hush about us... he's non-showbiz kasi. Alam mo naman ang mga inggiterong itrigerra!


Spotted B: There are 4-5 blogs talking about disclosure. What hit me most is THISB’s blog. My take on disclosure is this.

1. If you tell someone about your status, there's always a risk of them telling it to someone else. No matter how much you trust the person with your secret, there is a risk. So make sure that you are ready when it bites you back.

2. If a fellow pozzie effing tells someone about your status, that’s betrayal by breadknife. I pity that pozzie in THISB’s blog. I don’t get his motive(s) or lack thereof. I came up with a conclusion that the loud mouth pozzie is sad. A sad clown. A sad guy wearing a red Ever Bilena lipstick in his face. Cheap!

3. I know, non-pozies would want to know who’s who in the pozzie world. Cannot b
e, borrow 1. Just be safe every one.


Spotted C: Fauxbook. Another sad story about a pozzie who created 2 pseudo Facebook profiles. Pseudo profiles with hot profile pics. Unfortunately, I know whose pictures were posted in one of the profiles. Eh model kasi yun eh. So I looked at the fake profiles and analyzed it more. I studied the way the shout-outs were written. There were no tagged pictur
es, only studio shots. Another sad clown. Not sure why he needs to come up with fake profiles. Schizo-much?


Spotted D: If marunong kang mangutang, matuto ka magbayad. Sana pwede ‘to i-face-to-face. Unfortunately, mangungutang has no face.


Spotted E: Swallow. Stupid question: “If nalunok ba yung tamod, makakahawa ba?” EWWWWWWWW! Ewwww because now ko lang narinig yung term na tamod ulit. Oo na, maarte ako. Pero naman… Tamod is so ghetto. Number 2 ewwww moment… the swallow part. I never in my life swallowed cum, accidentally swallowed it, or asked someone to swallow mine. Pre-cum, yes. Cum, no. I can be dirty, but im not filthy. Oh yeah, I did not replied to


Spotted F: Oh... guess who's back in town? Hehehe. Welcome back my kababata!

So there.... busy busy busy. Everything's good. Til my next chismis. I'll have my next CD4 count in December. I'm a little excited. I hope to hit the +200 mark!

Change In Status



I told myself not to go on public (i.e. in Facebook) about my relationship status. But I just can't help myself. I'm already taken. Actually... the more politically correct word is "committed."

I LOVE YOU!

Friday I'm In Love

Parachute

12:07 AM Posted by Trese 0 comments

Halo Halo, Shabu Shabu

Been seeing a poz guy and everything seems to be perfect. I met him May of this year in one of the gimmicks with the pozzies. I had a crush on him back then but during that time, I got all "torpe" and just decided to have fun with the group. It was a group gimmick anyway - movie, dinner and drinks.

Fast forward... I saw him online last week and invited him over my temp pad in the city.

...Skipping the details of what happened in the past few days.... Skip.... Skip.... Skip....

Everything feels right. Or is it? I dunno. I've been single for so long. Mixed feelings like halo-halo on a rainy day, like shabu-shabu on summer.

If you ask me now about me and the poz guy... my answer would be "Sana ito na nga."

Oh.... My.....


The guy in the video is sooooooo hot. Drool. Anyhoo....

A lot has happened in the past few weeks. Just busy with work but will post a lot of stuff soon. Recent sexcapades (with 2 guys, with an IT guy, and with someone from a local dragon boat team); a story about a "friend;" about work; about yoga, and a lot more.

I'm still alive. And yeah, the bitch is back.... Watch out.


Kiss Kiss

Quite often, people exalt their skills in a variety of things. Whether they’re good with numbers, at sports, or in the arts, they never stop talking about how good they are.

But, there is one skill I’ve never understood why people talk about: kissing.

How can a subjective skill be rated on by the individual doing the deed? Last time I remember, kissing is dependent on the POV of others.

Even if it is true, how does it happen? Not everyone is naturally talented (no matter what their over-inflated egos think). When dealing with kissing, could it be a matter of practice makes perfect: The more people you kiss, the better you are at it?

It’s not the same as people who talk about their sexual prowess. People can have lots of sex, but that means they’re whores, and nothing more. Kidding. Insert A into B. Remove A from B. Repeat. Kissing is much more complicated, with more calculations than a quadratic equation. Exponential limits even.

Of course, no one would ever admit to being a bad kisser. That’s lunacy.

So, whatever the answer (natural born talent, or smacking machine), all I have is one question: Can I get in on some practice?

Who's Your HotDaddy



I'm still alive folks. Sorry, no regular updates from me. Been BUSY with work. After work, I usually just go home and hit the sack. Weekends were usually spent at home in my bed. I have a no-laptop policy when I'm at home except today. I need to check some emails from my boss who was sick last week. My bandwidth will be stretched next week. Sige lang, stretch lang ng stretch.

Last night though, I went out. I decided that before the gates of hell open next week at work, I need to go out.

And when Lucky13 goes out.... it's gonna be epic!

My day started with me hitting the gym. It's been 3 weeks since I went to the gym. I'm gaining weight but the fat and muscle distribution is all over. Ack! Gym for two hours. Todo. After working out, I took a quick shower. While I was dressing up, I noticed how big I became. Well, I mean, big in terms of body mass. Haha. And if you want to ask about that thing under my pants, it's..... hahaha.

My friend texted me and was asking me to go out and celebrate his birthday. It's been a month since I saw most of my friends. What a perfect excuse to get drunk.

Another text message. It's from "HotDaddy."

I think everyone has a mental checklist of guys they want to have sex with. I have mine. It's like a pokemon list... a pokedex right? Gotta catch them all!

A ramp/tvc/print model - check!
A stage actor - check!
A director - check! (oh yes, but it's not like he offered me a B film before having sex. lol)
A band member - open
A married guy - check! In their bed. Hahaha.
An older guy - check! He's 15years older than I am.
A student - open
A barrista - open
A doctor - open

and yes... last night... HotDaddy!

I met HotDaddy in Makati last year. I was in Powerbooks. Spotted. Guy in his 30s, laidback, clean cut, eyeing me. It was like cat and mouse around Powerbooks. Then after 20 minutes, he sat beside me. Blah blah... eventually, we ended at SBC having coffee. He's a single dad of 2 kids. After that night, after exchanging numbers, I never heard from him again. The last text I got from him back then was that he's going to Australia for work.

And now, I think HotDaddy is back... and is lonely.

I met him at his pad in Makati. His kids are on vacation. We had dinner, HotDaddy knows how to cook. And then we sat at the sofa and had wine.

Wine.... makes me either emo... or horny.

Anyway, I'm skipping the details about my sexual encounter with HotDaddy. But it was sweet and nice and sensual.... and towards the end... it was very wild. I wonder if the neighbors heard our ooooohs and ahhhhhs.

He drove me to the club. He then told me that he's going back to the US for work. And that he doesn't want to miss the opportunity of seeing me again before he leaves. Awwwww.

He gave me a big long hug and a peck on the cheek. HotDaddy is sweet.

----------------------------------------

At the club.. .same old same old. It was too crowded. Clubbing is not new to me. I've been around. Been there. Done that. Done that guy. Been in that hotspot. LOL. I saw old friends, friends who i haven't seen for the past 2-3-6 months!!!!

J, old crushie C, new crush N: "Lucky.... you look great! We miss you"
Lucky: Hugs J, Hugs C for 3 seconds, Hugs N for 5 seconds. Hehehe

J, E, K: "Ate, tumataba ka..."
Lucky: "2 weeks ko lang kayo kasama ha!?"
J: "Ok fine, healthy ka. Di ka mataba."

K: "OMG. I miss you. Di ka nagpapakita"
Lucky: "Busy with work."
K: "Fuck you"
Lucky: "Thank you."
*nice seeing you K.... hope to see E soon.

----------------------------------------

I got home around 530am. Bought lugaw for breakfast. Showered and slept. Woke up at noon. Checked my phone for messages. One came from RunningMan. "Miss you," he said. I replied, "Sorry just woke up. Yeah miss you too."

Okay, a quick update about RunningMan.

1. I haven't told him about my status.
2. He's not relationship material.
3. He has no direction in his life.
4. A lot more....

One thing I told myself when getting into relationships is to avoid, as much as possible, people who has a lot of extra baggage. A person who, in a way, knows what he wants. Oh well. It is what it is.... :)

Still Here...

It’s been almost a year since I was diagnosed. Almost a year since I was hospitalized in the hospital. It’s been almost a year. A lot has changed. A lot. Not just because of my diagnosis, but because of life being mediocre. All in all… I can say that I am happy that I survived. That I am happy that I was blessed. That instead of moping around, I chose to live and be happy.

Happiness is a choice. Happiness is a decision. We choose to be sad, to be lonely, and to be apathetic. We choose ways how to be happy. We search for it. We succeed. We fail. That is how life puts us on a pedestal: Waiting for us to react on the tomatoes being thrown at us. Do we catch it or let it smash our faces? Regardless if one was diagnosed with HIV, with Cancer, or living a healthy life. Happiness is not something that just happens. You choose, you decide.

It’s been almost a year. Last night, I took step back and checked where my life is right now. Where am I going? What am I doing? I decided that I would like to take stock of what I have created and not created. What I have achieved and not achieved and what needs to be done. Am I at peace with myself? Am I ready to take on the world and seek new challenges? Am I.....am I......am I. Maybe I should not be thinking too hard and let the heart do the talking again....

I sometimes hide behind my smiles and silly gestures. I take quick glances while I think eyes cannot see and when I'm done, I turn away before those eyes catch me being me. Eyes and lips, they are like Medusa's stare turning simple things to stone like words that bruise emotion and crush the soul. Keeping things tucked away till they escape in ink upon my paper and then through my fingers via the machine in "0"'s and "1"'s. Yes sometimes, I want to scream so people will notice me for more than my stature and talents, to scream and let them know that I am living with the virus. Do not get me wrong. I already accepted the fact that I have HIV. I just wish that the social stigma will disappear.

Amid all the stings and joys of life, I asked myself, “Do I know who I truly am?” I think that it’s more important to know ones identity. It’s not a question of sexuality, of race, of social status. For me, it’s always a question of identity. The totality of oneself. A holistic approach and not just bits and pieces of one’s personality.

I am the sum of every year, every month, every day, every hour, every minute and every second of my own life. Each moment that I breathe is another moment to take in each blessing I received. Through my eyes, my mind takes pictures of everything I see. My ears hear and my mind records. I am the sum of everything that is around me. Life is what I’ve made of it but it’s also a part of the influence about me. My life is what I made it so far.

Through the trials of life, I want to stand strong and grow in stature that I must pass through the trials of fire that we all must pass through. I am not asking for more trials to walk through because I know that more hardships will come before me. But life always put me up on the pedestal. Without them, I cannot be shaped into a better man; my character cannot be made more solid. There is in each refiner's fire, a beauty that touches our lives. Each flame burns away the rough edges and when those fires are quenched I am left a different man. The fires burned away at each rough edge until what was left was, is a glimmer of shiny metal, that now shines above it all. Around me, the heat of flames has been quenched and the pains of the trial have been soothed. If I must pass through again, then I will be stronger still. For being stronger is the only choice that I have left.

But am I happy. In general, I am.

I often wonder what people are thinking, those that find out about me and those who just think they know about me. Do the people who just think they know about me act differently around me then those who know about me? Do those who think they know about me see me as a threat? I wonder how many people create instant assumptions about me without taking the time to get to know me.

Somewhere between here and there, there sits a bridge that once crossed is gone for good. . There isn't any middle ground between here and there. You're either here or there.

And yes, it’s been almost a year… and I’m still here.

Better, Better, Better


While some people are born beautiful, others get beauty thrust upon them in the way of hair, makeup, lighting, and a good photographer. Then, there’s me. No amount of good genes, thrusting, hair/makeup/lighting/photographer combo can make me into a cover model. A mowdel.

Seems like these days, everyone has their photos taken by professional and wannabe photographers. Anyway...

When dealing with my appearance, it takes a lot of effort just to look like me...

There’s the washing, scrubbing, shaving, exfoliating, moisturizing, tweezing, threading, squeezing, brushing, combing, and smoothing. And, that’s just a couple of things I do to my head. I won’t even describe what happens below the neck (although you can imagine).

There is so much work to be done and so little time to do it all. Lord knows I'll never be smokin' hot. Especially with what I have to deal with thanks to my HIV state.

But weeks ago, a pozzie friend saw me at the club.

"Ang kinis mo na! And you're getting leaner."

My rash marks are 95% gone, my skin is fairer, I'm almost 130lbs, and I feel much better. It's been almost a year since I was diagnosed. I look better than ever. I look... MAJOR MAJOR!

I think that this is my year. Better job. Better health. Better me! As for Running Man, better luck next time. I'm not gonna push through with him anymore. No progress. I may be the one with HIV, but he's more crippled than I am.

So... hello boys... come and get me!


Career


RuPaul - Supermodel
Uploaded by StudioZero. - See the latest featured music videos.

A career should be more than a job, but a sense of self.

When I graduated from college, I was not looking for a job; I wanted a career. Why did I spend all that time in school if I wasn’t going to get something out of it?

Yeah, I may have been around but my expertise and skill sets always fits any company, any industry. And I have an end state - to be an expert in project management.

Right now, my new job keeps me very busy.I usually work 10-12 hours a day, 5-days a week. I told myself that I can do overtime at the office but my weekends are MY WEEKENDS. I have a great boss who is from the UK who helps me further develop my skills. I talk directly to Senior executives and to our clients. And in just close to three weeks since I started working, I helped a pozzie get hired into one of our projects.

I am back on track on my career.

This time, I don't need to convince myself every time I wake up to move my ass just to get to the office and "work" like in my previous job.

Yeah.. maybe it is still premature, it's been less than month since I started. But like what I told my boss when he asked me how I'm doing... i told him... So far so good!

On the flip side, I miss some of my friends. I told myself that it's all about work from M-F. Sundays with family. Saturdays with friends but I usually can't get hold of them. I cut myself off from Facebook and YM when I'm at work. I need to focus.

I'm already 27 and I need to be at least in middle management by 30. Friends (real friends, not just gimmick friends) will always be there. I haven't seen my best friend for about 6 months because he was busy as well with work, he's a junior executive at the age of 25! My career idol.

I'll see you guys around. Priorities first.

Work! Sashay, shanté!

------------------------------

Oooooh.... By the way.... Pozzie Bloggers Meet and Greet... When do you want to have it. Preferably Sunday. I'll text you guys.

Watch Me Burn


"I can't tell you what it really is. I can only tell you what it feels like."

Haven't told him about my status yet. Will he still be with me. Will he "love" the way I lie?

Pause on Promiscuity



Running Man: I have this feeling that you had a promiscuous past.

Lucky: To be honest, yes. Add it up in my list... partee boy, bitch, and now... promiscuous

Running Man: I still don't mind... What's important is who you are today.... right?

Lucky: (kinilig)

I was a little promiscuous in the good old days. But my promiscuity to date... I guess... is slowing down. I have my limits. And I am not getting any younger.

...I once became someone's number 2. Without me knowing.

...I made out with my best friend. Not just once. Not twice. Not 3x. I think we did it 5x. In our defense, we were just under the influence of drugs. Both of us were mature enough to understand that it was just a kiss.

...I had sex with a married guy. In their bed. With their wedding picture in the night table.

Okay, okay... Too much information. I had... HAD... lived a promiscuous life. I want to take a "lighter" route. I'm not saying that I'll be one altar boy but I am putting a hiatus on my promiscuity. Need to prioritize on my health, relationship with people, my new work... and with Running Man. Yes. Running Man is on my list. Not equally important but still important.

Lalo na ngayon, tag-ulan. Ang daming palaka. At pagod na pagod na ako humalik sa mga palakang di naman nagiging prinsipe.

I am promiscuous... but like everyone else... I am fragile.

Running Man


Running Man and I had our first official date last weekend. No expectations whatsoever. I did not considered our first meet up as a date since all we did was make out and get intoxicated.

We met up before 7pm in Makati, we were supposed to watch the 730pm screening of Inception but all the seats were already taken. We bought tickets for the 930pm screening instead. With hours to kill, we decided to get 1 round of drinks first, thinking that being tipsy while watching Inception would be really interesting.

We ordered our drinks and talked... yes.... we talked. That's what I value most when on a date. We exchanged stories, about our own lives, our friends, our family. Even talked about past relationships. They say that you shouldn't talk about your ex's on a date. In a gay guy's world, I think it's okay. Time flew and we got back to the movie house for the movie.

+Points... a guy who knows how to have good conversation without any drama...

He's a great movie buddy. We both like watching trailers. Hahaha. Then the movie started. He grabbed my right hand....

+Points... a guy who's not afraid to hold my hand in the cinema.

After the movie, he asked me if I want to come with him and meet his friends. His straight non-homophobic friends. He said he wants me to meet them.

+Points... a guy who let's me in into his world.

I usually do good around other people. I met his friends who were already drunk. Nice bunch of hags and stags. Had 3 shots of tequila in less than an hour. Hmmmm... is this sort of a right of passage? Hahaha. We transfered to a club to get some much needed dancing, still with his friends. At the club... still... more booze. I got more comfortable hanging out with his friends.

Every now and then, Running Man comes to my side and hugs me.

+Points... sweet!

One by one, his friends left. 5 of us stayed and finished our drinks. A number of people still dancing at the club. Running man and I had a small chit-chat, asking me if I had fun. I said yes and that I was glad that he invited me to meet and party with his friends. Then, he just kissed me.... IN A STRAIGHT CLUB.

++++++Points!!!

We left the club and had breakfast. After breakfast, he waited for me to get a cab. I wished that we can spend the morning together but both of us were tired and sleepy. A cab stopped in front of us. We said our goodbyes. Then he gave me a kiss on the lips.

++++++Points!!!

Got home and slept with a smile on my face. Such a sweet guy. A guy who's comfortable with his sexuality, who's not afraid to show how he feels. I then found out that I was the first guy that he kissed in front of his friends, the first guy that he kissed along the streets of Makati. He might be making bola but you know what, I don't care.

When I'm with him, I can be me. I can be loud, be playful, be a little bitch. I can be me. And that's big points for running man.

But the next question is.... will he still accept me and continue to see me when he finds out that I am HIV positive? Or will he live up with his pseudo name... will he run away?

Away from me or with me?

I haven't decided yet on when to tell him. So far, what we have is a little serious. We've been seeing each other for just about a week or so. It's still early and we're not rushing things. No sex yet, we haven't even talked about it. Don't know where we're heading. Again, no rush. Right now, we like each other. Not "just like" but "like" each other. You know?

Let's just wait and see what happens next...

If The Shoe Fits


Some people are happy being single. Some are not. Some are okay that they are single but they still long for that knight in shiny tiara. All all, I think no one wants to be alone.

Some people that I know, friends and frenemies, whine that there are few people out there that meet their standards, some complain about their relationship status in Facebook. One minute they want to be serious, the next minute, they go out on a hunt and fuck some random stranger.

In other words, they’re not lonely. They’re horny. They want to get off. It’s an endorphin rush. And when the rush dissipates, they’ll feel alone again. This cycle continues until, one day, they’ve turned 40 and are still alone.

I understand how they feel because I’ve been single for most of my life. What I don’t understand is the complaining. I know it’s hard, but I work at it and don’t sit on my ass waiting for things to happen.

You sometimes get lucky, you sometimes get rejected. If the shoe fits right? Keep on dating until you find someone who you like, change your criteria, or just shut the fuck up because no one wants to hear about your relationship status because there are many other people in the same situation. Like me.

It's okay if you go emo for a few minutes. It's normal for single gay guys. I have my moments. But do not make it a habit. Don't sound so desperate.


xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo


Running Man and I decided to have our first official date this weekend. It's a trial run. No major expectations whatsover. A date should be fun and hassle free. Sex free? Yeah... sex will have to wait. There is something really interesting about Running Man that I want to check out first. Let's see if the shoe fits :)

Fuzz



With a few more bum-days left, my schedule was packed with gimmicks, parties and last-hurrah-celebrations. Unfortunately, the gloomy weather was not very cooperative. But hell with the rain, a party won't be a party without Lucky making a big scene.

I attended an old friend's birthday party. As far as I know, my friend has two types of friends... the we-know-we-are-gay group and the di-ako-bakla-sino-bakla-pero-bottom-kami-lahat group. I belong to the fun side, the group who is comfortable to say "chorva" without flinching. I decided to wear some skinny, skimpy, and a little more fashion forward outfit just to irritate the peppercorns. It worked... and I can read it in their shallow thought-balloons (what is he wearing?). Seriously, plaid polo is too 90's these days. I rather wear a skirt than be caught wearing a table cloth.

Next... I plugged in my iPod to play handbag tunes. But this step failed. The peppercorns love love love Kylie Minogue and Agnes. Ikaw na ang pamintang nadurog!

Step 3... I have no problems staring at people and give them a condescending look. It makes them feel a little uncomfortable. My friend and I played the dumb blonde role as well. But they fought back with their own brand of conyo language. Unfortunately, their conyo slang lacks the true essence of a true conyo... Ang totoong conyo at sosyal, kahit tag-lish, correct ang grammar. Susmiyo... their style is more of jejeconyo.

At one point during the night, a familiar guy entered the party... un-glamorously drunk and kept on blurting "Bro, I'm drunk." He then had a quick chit-chat with his "bros" about some guy outing him out.

Sa lagay nyang yan di pa sya out? I know this guy, his exes, his past dates, his kalandian. Not sure why he was so shocked about the general gay public's knowledge of his sexuality.

Anyway... I got tired of "testing" them so I decided to chug vodka and get a few shots of tequila. I did not noticed that most of my friends already left the party. It's now me vs the peppercorns.

I then texted Running Man.

Running Man and I have been texting for almost a month. Haven't seen each other yet but I think we can really hit it off. I asked him to join me at the party. He arrived and I immediately gave him a shot or two of tequila. And then... we made out in the center of the room. PDA at its finest.

What was I thinking? Wiat... what's this guy's name again? Oh yeah, just enjoy the kiss bitch and make a big fuzz. Hmmmm... he smells nice.

After a minute or so making out. We laughed. End scene.

An hour or so, the guests left the hotel one by one. I asked my friend if Running Man and I can stay over til check-out time and he said yes. We were already in bed, cuddling, and ready to sleep til two friends came in and brought a half-empty bottle of tequilla. More shots? Oh shit.

I took the shot glass, took a slice of lemon, and took a pinch of salt... Now now... where to put the salt? In the shot glass (classic)? In the lemon (schuchal)? In Running Man's skin (weeeeeeeh)? My friend was shocked with the body shot. Running Man did the same thing to me. He was more adventurous than I am, he pulled my shirt up and put the salt in my nip area. Oh.Em.Gee. Yes... there was another show at 5am in the morning.

While my two friends were busy discussing their previous affairs, Running Man and I made out while laying in bed. Still with our clothes on. Medyo wholesome pa din since every now and then, we giggled while making out. Ang landi lang diba?

Finally, at 7am, my two friends decided to give the tequila shots a rest (kasi naubos na namin yung tequila). They went outside and found an empty sofa bed and slept. I locked the bedroom doors behind them.

(Bedroom scene deleted, no MTRCB rating yet)

So there... I made a big fuzz, a big scene at my friend's party.

It was fun, the beat was sick. Did Lucky took a ride on his disco stick?

So when's the next party you bitches? :p

Update Up Late

It's been almost two weeks since I updated this blog. Been busy these past few days - meeting friends, working on my pre-employment requirements, partying and munching on anything within reach. For now I'll just write a quick update on what's been happening to me. I know you miss me... xoxo

Hired. After months of bum-ness, I finally got a job. It was not my dream job but I need to be practical and realistic. I don't want to burn my savings just bumming around. I just need to submit and finish my pre-employment requirements so I can start before this month ends. The position is very interesting. I asked X about how challenging the work would be and he said that it will be stressful yet will work on my advantage. In the past 6 years of working, regardless of what type of industry, I stay true to my expertise. With this new job, it will further enhance my skill set. I plan to be in middle management in the next 5 years. No more slacking off.

Friends. After I signed my employment contract, I met up with Kofiboy for dinner and coffee. It was sort of a double celebration since both of us will start on our new work this month. We had headed to Jalapeno in Home Depot for dinner then we had coffee at Starbucks. I then met up with X for some drinks then head home. I looked at my calendar and saw that I have less than 15 days of bumming around.

Day-Off. A day-off in my bum life consists of having a facial, a massage, a manicure, a pedicure and a haircut. Nice noh?

Birthday Pre-Planning. Months from now I'll be celebrating my twenty-xth birthday. I want a big celebration this time with all the glitz and glams and boys. A Mardi Gras weekend. Watch out watch out... the bitch is back! I need an escort though. Application ongoing.

So there... need to hit the sack. More updates to come. I'm back you bitches!

Sorry

There are things that I am sorry about... the list grows... by one or a few items. Their importance and relevance range from the tiny to the titanic.

Some people carry the hurt with them while others carry on. With forgiveness come apologies. The cycle continues and this vicious cycle never ends. For now.... let me give a big shout out to those that I hurt in the past....

I am sorry...

Wait


Life is filled with journeys - metaphorically and literally - of seemingly limitless destinations and differing degrees of distances. Many of us, however, have eyes firmly set at the eventual point. the end of the line. For the past couple of months, I started to value the importance of waiting. The status of being in-between; neither at the point of origin nor the destination.

Nothing really happened. It was just life going on, I guess. A more timid pace.

It's funny how after a certain moment of conscious inactivity, life suddenly beckons despite the lack of initiation. The last couple of weeks have shown this. Not only have I been made to be more organized, to plan and to prioritize, but also to realize those things that I've been a while procrastinating about.

And that lies the simple reason and the important lesson I place in waiting. Nothing is valued so preciously in this life than for that thing which has been long pined for. After all, what kind of worth has something if handed on a silver platter and so easily attained.

---------------------------------------------

Last night I met up with X after my final interview with Company Y. I then found out that he works for company Y, that we have a handful of common friends, that we were both from the same province, etc. Like any other meet-ups that I had with newbie pozzies (bloggers and non-bloggers), I was quite excited to know his journey in the glitz and glamorous poz life.

We had a couple of drinks while dishing our own stories. It was a good 3 hour talk with X. We'll catch up again soon.. and yes... with booze!

Pursuit



I was at the 9th Malate White party last night and to be honest, it was my first Malate white party. It may not seem like it but I am actually a sort-of newbie clubber. I started going to clubs, events and parties just 4 years ago and... I was never a Malate boy. I was a Makati baby. Yeah there is a difference.... My "gay-ness" was not socially induced by the streets of Orosa and Nakpil, but with the lights and traffic of Makati. I only started my Malate night outs late last year.

Anyway, last night had a "palengke" atmosphere. There's the dry section, the wet section, the sariwa and the panis. The nagmamaganda, the maganda, the pa-pam-pam, the paminta (achoo), the addicts (sex and/or drug addicts that is). The fags, fag-hags and fag-stags. A number of familiar faces here and there.

I received a number of "EB" proposals that night. Most of them want to hook-up with me at the event, some wants to go drinking, a couple wants some hot-sex after the party. But after all the glitz and glamour and the basang kili-kili, I got to my usual snob-bitch mood.

After the performances at the corner of Orosa-Nakpil, I hanged-out with some pozzies. E, BITCH, N, C, etc. We then decided to go to a club but ack... the line was too long. Fortunately for me, I'm a club VIP so I left them in line while I went inside for some A/C.

Inside I met up with friend and chit-chatted for a while. Saw some clubbing buddies as well. Then I got a txt message from someone who wants to meet up. What the hell, might as well meet some of them for the night, I don't want to disappoint my fans (yeah, aside from being ang snobby-bitch, I was feeling a little conceited that night).

I met up with the guy... my memory was kinda lost. 1) I don't know how he got my number and 2) I can't remember ever chatting with him from Facebook. I was not really in the mood for some lip-locking action so I played it cool. Sweaty-steamy sex is good but making out in a pawis-ang-kili-kili state is gross.

Oiliness is next to poverty folks.

Finally, the pozzies made it inside but E was not with them. I guess E was booked for the night.

One by one, the pozzies left. I then met up with old friends and a former fling. Most of them haven't seen me for quite sometime. It was nice seeing them again and they were happy that I was gaining weight. Yes... again... me... conceited.

It was already 630am. We had breakfast first. All of them looked banged up with too much alcohol while I maintain my sobriety. Yes.... zero alcohol that night.

I took a piss before we left Malate. Then... at broad daylight... this guy had a quick pass on me at the men's room. Oh well, might as well give him what he wants. We kissed briefly.

It was a so-so night.

On my way home, my mind fluttered way way back my old clubbing nights. I cut down of alcohol, smoking and my gimmicks which I think was a result not because of my poz status but of me growing old. But I am not saying buh-bye yet to the clubs just yet. I'm just finding better ways of spending my weekends like pigging-out, etc. In pursuit with better and finer things in life.

Which reminds me... since I've been more than 2 weeks sober... I want to go drinking at Barcino. Anyone? Please? A glass or two? :)

It Floods

Since last week, good news just started pouring in. When it rains, it floods right?

1. Well to kick things off, a CD4 of 85 last Tuesday.

2. I had a number of interviews with good companies. I did great with company X unfortunately, my asking price is too high. I have my follow-up interview with company Y this Thursday.

3. I received a text message last night from a friend asking me if I am available this Saturday to "work" for them for an event (one of the biggest events in the Manila Gay Scene). This is the biggest break that I am waiting for.

4. I'm gaining more and more muscle weight. I look good in v-neck shirts now. I have pecs! I have arms! I have a nice ass! Teehee! 3 months of working out paid off. I still want to bulk up though.

5. Finally, my back-pay will be available next week.

So there... some updates. See you around bitches!

Just Got Lucky



I was unable to get enough sleep last night, excited to take my 2nd CD4 test. I think I dozed off around 2am while exchanging messages with Kofiboy.

I woke up around 7am. Still groggy and a little drugged with my EFV but I need to rush rush rush. CD4 tests were conducted until 10am only. I also need to prepare for a job interview somewhere in Bicutan.

Wish 1 granted.... no rain. I love the rain but I hate it when my shoes get wet.

I arrived around 9am. 3 pozzies were there already... no familiar pozzies in sight. Quick chit chats with Ate Ana. She said I was looking good, gained weight, and that someone was looking for me last week...

I was a little intrigued about the guy. Ate Ana said that the guy was about 5'4, cute... and a non-pozzie. She said that the guy asked for me. Hmmm... Who's this guy? SINO KA MAGPAKILALA KA.... I'm keeping a low profile these days about my poz status. Da who?!

Anyway... i got my test requests and went to the clinical lab. 4 vials of blood were extracted. 1 for CBC, 1 for CD4, 1 for VL and another one for... uhm... i forgot.

After the test, I went back to Ate Ana. Ate Shola arrived, it was her birthday. Ate Shola has been living with HIV for the past 18 or 19 years already.... and her boobies are still intact. Happy birthday Ate Shola!

I visited the lounge area and said hello to Ate Ellen and Roslyn. There were around 4 pozies at the lounge. Seems that it's a slow Tuesday at the Hills after all.

I left RITM before noon because I need to go to Bicutan for my job interview but then decided to cancel it. It will take me a combination of 5-6 jeep+trike+bus ride before I get there IF I get the job. I went to Jabi and had brunch instead.

It was 1pm. The test results will be out around 5ish. I can actually go home and rest but decided to stay around Alabang. I promised Papi that I will visit his new salon, promised to meet up with E as well.

Since I have time to spare, I watched The Killers... Ashton Kutcher is hawt!

After the movie, 2 pozzie friends called me up and asked me if I want to hitch a ride going to Papi's salon. We met up around 4pm and went to the salon.

The salon was simple yet fab. My friends left me there because they need to go meet up other pozies in Megamall. Papi was still on his way, and so was E. It was already 430pm so I called Ate Ana...


Lucky: Ate Ana!


Ate Ana: Ano yun?

Lucky: Ate Ana!!!

Ate Ana: Ano nga yun???

Lucky: ATE ANNNAAAA!!!!

Ate Ana: Congrats. It's now 85!


To celebrate... i got a foot spa and a pedicure... Then Papi and E arrived shortly. E and I left the salon around 7ish.

From 13 to 85. Well, it could actually be higher than 85 but I have no regrets whatsoever with my new number. Yes, I could have just stayed at home and lock myself up in the past 7 months. Yes, I could have stopped drinking and do a cold turkey on my ciggs. Yes, I could have started going back to the gym a little early.

But no.... i didn't. Why? Because I just don't want to. Call me stubborn but I'm just a normal person like anyone. And I don't want to make false promises of quitting and stopping all my vices in a blink of an eye. I'm cutting it down - alcohol, ciggs and gimmicks. But not all at once. At my own pace folks...

85 is my new number but 13 will always be there. A reminder that I just got lucky surviving with a CD4 of 13.

Som's


I was out with Kofiboy last Saturday. We had dinner at Som's.

First... about Som's.... not really that great. Pwede na if gutom ka... but it really lacks the authenticity of Thai cuisine. We ordered bagoong rice, red curry, pad thai and thai milk tea. While having dinner, I found out that Kofiboy stopped eating red meat.

Maselan... lol.

After Som's, we walked... yes... we walked.... from Som's to A.venue for some coffee. We passed by manang who lives in a push cart with her family and gave her our left overs.... chicken pad thai, shrimp pad thai, and the red curry. Good deed for the night. And no food goes to waste.

We had coffee from 10pm til 2am. Talked about our lives, about work, etc. Talked about people and bitched about them. Talked about past dates. Talked about our old promiscuous lives.

We decided to go for a walk... yes... we walked again... from A.venue to Ayala ave. It was a long walk. Passed by a group a trannies teasing us, a building fumigating (kofiboy... hindi sya fog), then finally to Ayala.

Another fun date with Kofiboy. I've been with a lot of friendly dates. You dine, have coffee, and just talk no-non-sense. I love love learning about other people's lives. I'm not chismosa... i'm just.... "socially concerned" about their twisted lives. LOL.

Every one is twisted in their own little way. Pozzie or non-pozzie.

Changes



If there's one thing that is constant, it's change. I am a true believer that people can actually change, about 75% of the time. Change does not happen overnight. Mistakes happen.

Change doesn't happen too often in my staid life, but when it does, watch out. The alterations are huge, as if a whole new world is opening up.

After learning about my HIV status, slowly, I have come across a period of change. Instead of being scared of the unknown, I look at it as a moment when I have an opportunity to look at my life and see what I want to make of it. It's now or never.

Even when I read my horoscope, it said I needed to remove any old baggage (physical and psychological) from my life to start anew. Of course, horoscopes are always right, especially when they tell you want you want to know.

And, that's exactly what I did. Gone were certain elements of my past that were hindering my future. It’s time for a fresh start and new beginnings.

Chasing Cars



If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world

There are songs which are irrevocably linked with joyous moments of our lives. Whether it’s a birth, a wedding, or a celebration of any sort, the combination of music and lyrics has a magical effect on our senses.

But, sometimes they’re bittersweet in their meaning.

Whenever this song comes on the radio, I keep my finger close to the button that changes the station. For those few minutes, my heart visits the past. I listen to the song for as long as I can stand, without breaking inside. As it plays, my mind begins to count the memories, hoping the good ones outnumber the bad.

Before the song ends, I press the button to change the channel. Inevitably, I need to finish the song before it finishes with me. And, I don’t want to hurt, anymore.

Let’s waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

For several years, I haven’t been able to listen to the song “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol because of its association of someone I know/knew. Whenever the first notes emitted from a speaker, I’d turn it off.

One day, I heard the song blaring from within a storefront at the mall. I couldn’t turn it off and I didn’t care. It was the first time I could hear the song without wanting to hope for a case of short-term deafness.

I had moved on and was in a happier place in my life. No longer did I associate the song with that someone I know/knew. I kept on walking at the mall, the florescent lighting shined in my face and I smiled because I knew it no longer affected me the way it did before. I moved on.

But... I think I am falling for another car crash. This time, I have my seat belt on. I learned from my past that I should take good care of myself and just enjoy the ride. No expectations. But reality is, my heart is stubborn.

Kofi


After almost 4 months, Kofiboy and I met up for another coffee date. Kofiboy and I met last January, he was a newbie pozzie, someone who reads my blog, and someone smart that I can actually have an adult conversation with. We talked about work, the poz community, Greenbelt boys, workout plans, and our trip in the beach in June! I’m really excited to have one last hurrah at the beach before this freakishly hot summer ends.

After 2 hours of just talking about anything, Kofiboy and I decided to leave the coffee shop. He needs to go to work while I need to submit my clearance in our main office in Makati. He waited ‘til I get a cab, patted each other in the back and gave each other a quick hug, and bid our ‘see you soons.’ It was really great seeing you Kofiboy!

Got to Makati and submitted my papers. Finally I was done working on my clearance. According to payroll, I’ll get my pay-out in 4weeks. Won’t be getting heaps of cash but it’s enough to cover my expenses until the end of the year or so. I really don’t want to use it, I need to save it in case of emergency.

Was supposed to attend a big party last Friday night but decided not to. Was supposed to meet up with K and some other friends at the party but texted them that I won’t make it. Was tired, was not on the mood. And besides, I don’t want to get myself in a state of “giyang” at the party. I also promised E that I won’t attend the event.

Instead of partying and dancing, I went to McDonald’s. After which, I popped my pills and was on a state of grogginess on the way home. Took a long shower before hitting the sack.

Tonight...

...i will dance!

The Art Of War



Do you ever think, when you’re all alone
All that we could be, where this thing could go
Am I crazy or falling in love
Is it really just another crush

Do you catch a breath, when I look at you
Are you holding back, like the way I do
Cause I’m trying, try to walk away
But I know this crush ain’t going away, going away

This song plays in my head whenever I fall in crush. Sadly, it's on auto-repeat. It's chronic. It happens with almost anyone who gives me the slightest bit of attention… or money (lol).

I hope that he can see me more than just a friend. I have this chronic condition of befriending my crushies before asking them out on a date. I know, don't be friends with your prospects. But I just can't help it. A good relationship starts with two people being good friends. I know, I watch too much chick flicks. Oh well.

I was texting 46479 last night and told him about my little dilemma. He said that I should tell my crush and take the risk. I told him that I need time, that I need to plan it out first. The art of love is like the art of war... you first need to know your enemy, in this instance, my enemy is my crush.

"It is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will not be imperiled in a hundred battles; if you do not know your enemies but do know yourself, you will win one and lose one; if you do not know your enemies nor yourself, you will be imperiled in every single battle." - Sun Tzu, The Art Of War

I'm taking my time before I go to war. I don't want to get beaten, get hurt. Like what I said in my previous post, I'm not in a rush.

Solo

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. You are the guy who'll decide where to go." - Dr. Seuss


I am not an easy way out kind of guy. I am not complicated either. I know that things don’t come easily to me, and that this is just my fate. My cards have been dealt; it’s up to me to know when to fold them, know when to hold them, know when to walk away and know when to win.

I’ve been single for more than 3 years. My friends’ would say that I am choosy when it comes to dating guys but for me, it’s finding a good enough candidate... and forcing it to happen. I go out on dates with minimal expectations, unfortunately, there’s no clear match just yet.

Yes, I whine about me being single but the truth is, I am not in a rush. And you absolutely cannot rush me; I take my time. I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve. I traveled the path of least resistance because I wanted to put an end to the endless barrage of questions.

In a way, I am self-sufficient. I am an entire person by myself.

I don’t know much about where my life is headed; I have ideas, dreams, and goals, but there is one thing I know is true. I’ll only find love when it is already a part of my life.

Mono

Currently, I live a monotonous life. I am tired. I am bored. It started way before I lost my job. It started way back.

As much as I try to escape monotony, I am in a way, trapped. I just can't do it right now... I need to get a new job before I can work on living a new life. I started looking for a new job weeks ago. I don’t want to go back in the call center industry where there is no much room for growth. I want to go travel. And live my life once more.

Sometimes I hope I could just leave everything behind and try to live a "normal" life, a better life.

But now, I face everything on my own. Sure, I have my friends and family, but I cannot burden them with my troubles. I can whine. But I don’t want to explode.

I look into the future, and I get scared. What will I be in the next five years? Where will I live? Where will I be working? Who will be my new friends? Will I be buff? Will I be fat? Will I have a partner? Will there be a cure?

Everything is unsure. All depends on how I would see things in time and that's what's scary.
If someone asked me if I were happy, it would take me as much as a minute before I could reply. Right now, generally I am happy. I have my happy days and emo nights. All in all, I guess I'm just... coping. Adapting with the change. Doing the same things everyday is making my mind numb. And dumb. Lately, no one has ever told me I was smart. Or that I talk sense.

Anyone can predict my day. At this point, I cannot complain. I chose this life. I could've done something else. I could've chosen to go the other way. But I didn’t. In a way it was by choice and by a series of unfortunate of events that lead me to live a monotonous life.

In retrospect, my life was always unplanned. Every decision was almost made spontaneously. Everything was crazy. A crazy life is better than a monotonous life.

High Maintenance

Out of the list of adjectives people use to describe me, the one that always bothers me (beside skinny) is when they say I'm high maintenance.

The Urban Dictionary defines "High Maintenance" as

Requiring a lot of attention. When describing a person, high-maintenance usually means that the individual is emotionally needy or prone to over-dramatizing a situation to gain attention

I am not high maintenance!

What I think they mean (but can't put into words), is that I know what I want, I know what I like, and I know what works and what doesn't. That isn't being high maintenance, that's being practical. For years, I've whittled down the crap, and streamlined everything. That includes my morning routine and the way I run my life.

I just don't get it why people see me as someone who is Superficial, High Maintenance... and to add another adjective, a bitch.

People should start working on their vocabulary. Seriously.

Dear HIV

There is no way to get rid you from my life. No one knows just yet. At this point, I know you’ll never leave me, I know; always promising, or threatening, that no matter where I go, or for how long, you’ll always be there. “I’m inside you,” you’ve whispered. I’ve cried behind closed doors, though I tell myself it has nothing to do with you. I don’t tell anyone you’re the reason I’m most often upset. I mask my pain; afraid of rapid fire questioning that will surely follow.

You never removed your ice cold grip from me, even when I sleep. You steal from me, and hurt me on purpose. I’m afraid of you, what you’ll do to me.

You’re my secret; dirty little and deep dark. I protect you, refusing to speak your name. I conceal your identity from those around me. You remind me, “No one will understand. You’ll be pigeonholed and stereotyped.” You pretend to have my best interests at heart, but I know you just want to keep me all to yourself. You’ll suffocate me.

You're my secret. Dark and Twisty.

After 6 Months....

"The best color in the whole world is the one that looks good on you."
-Coco Chanel


It usually takes me an hour or so to prepare before going out of the house. I will pick 2-3 outfits before finally deciding on what to wear. It takes 5-10minutes to style my hair. I powder my nose a little (oiliness is next to poverty), I put on my kiehl's lipgloss/stain. I make sure that my fingernails are clipped and clean. I stare at the mirror, stare at my face, stare at my outfit, at my ass, twirl, then leave the house.

I make it a point that, at the very least, I look presentable. On days/nights that I go out with friends or out on a date, I make an effort to be more than just presentable. Even if the theme for the night just calls for a plain shirt and jeans ensemble, I accessorize. Sue me, I'm gay.

But I am not superficial.

Superficial means shallow, a no-brainer. I may be insensitive and a little out of touch with reality (aka eccentric), but I am not. Funny how some people can describe a person by just looking at them and tag them as superficial. Those people should get a dictionary and figure out what the word means first before using it. Kaloka.

Going back.... I was never gifted with good bone structures, high cheek bones, square jaw line, muscular built... I am not one of Belo's creations. I lost weight when I got sick last year. I remember weighing at 105lbs last September (I'm 5'7"). Then thanks to Nevi and Cotri, rashes spread all over my body. I had a bad case of sepderm in my face, dandruff, and hair fall, thanks to my low cd4. It's been 6 months since I got out of the hospital.... Now I'm at 120lbs, a little leaner. I'm 15lbs away from my target weight. The rash marks are almost gone. No more sepderm. No more danruff. No more hair fall.

When you look good, you feel good. When you feel good, your CD4 increases. When your CD4 increases, BONGGA!

It's been 6 months and I'm doing better. Was supposed to get my CD4 checked this May but they moved it to June. They want to check my new CD4 6-months after I started taking my anti-retrovirals. I have one more month to further boost it up. More gym time, more time with the pozies for some laughs, etc.

All is well... All is well...

Eccentric Pozzie Boy

When people ask about my personality, I usually tell them that I am eccentric. I am not the typical, I am not that normal.. I am weird.

According to Wikipedia, there are eighteen distinctive characteristics that differentiate a healthy eccentric person from a regular person or someone who has a mental illness (although some may not always apply). The first five are in most people regarded as eccentric:
  • Nonconforming attitude (CHECK)
  • Creative (CHECK)
  • Intense Curiosity (aka Chismosa? LOL... CHECK)
  • Idealistic (hmmm.. slight CHECK)
  • Happy Obsession with a hobby or hobbies (CHECK)
  • Known very early in his childhood they were different from others (CHECK)
  • Highly intelligent (Promil Kid... CHECK)
  • Opinionated and outspoken (not sure about this one though... lol... CHECK)
  • Unusual living or eating habits (ay this one is not true to me)
  • Not interested in the opinions or company of others (not true, I love criticisms...)
  • Mischievous sense of humor (Uhmmmm.... hehehehe)
  • Single (DON'T RUB IT IN!)
  • Usually the eldest or an only child (Eldest... CHECK)
So based on this list, I got 17/18 which makes me a healthy eccentric pozzie boy.

I accept and love my eccentricity. It makes me a stronger person. Makes me adapt at unusual situations that our school system was unable to prepare us to handle and manage. It also helps me to get out of depression, out of sadness, out of slitting my wrist.

Mediocre


I sometimes wonder if it would be better to just suck at one thing, than simply be average. After all, if you are the worst, then you are effectively the best (at sucking at it). Which translates to a superlative, and not just a vague representation of the lumpy portion of a normal bell curve.

So.. are you in that lumpy portion, just plain mediocre, or have you skewed your own curve.

It's Days Like This


I woke up this morning with the sun shining up above, birds singing in the trees, and no clouds are floating in the heavens and, yet amongst this almost perfect day there sits trouble on my mind. It sits there nibbling away causing thoughts to dance and prance across their stage. At times, it makes me feel like my mind is caught up in some crazy little drama.

It’s days like this that make me want to lift my arms to the sky and fly away to another day.

I grow weary of these days when, everything seems uprooted by winds that push each day long. It seems to affect everyone and everything. Some days, it seems goodness is blown in on the winds, and then there are the other days, when life takes a turn for the worse.

It’s days like this that make me want to lift my arms to the sky and fly away to another day.

I want to bury my head in the sand and hide awhile amongst the grains, and still it may not be enough to thrust myself into hiding. Only bad things come from hiding. It’s better by far for me to send my stresses to the wind, than to let them get me to the point, that all I want to is scream until the walls crumble.

It’s days like this that make me want to lift my arms to the sky and fly away to another day...

...kaso pag labas ko kanina, inulan ako. Still... I lifted my arms to the sky and danced in the rain. Life is good!

Disclosure

1:10 AM Posted by Trese 4 comments

I haven’t disclosed my poz status to my friends yet. I wasn’t ready, I need to be sure that when I disclose my status to some of them, that I won’t have any regrets. It’s not the possible stigma after the revelation that I was worried about. It’s not that I don’t trust them to keep my poz status confidential until I’m ready to really be out there and be an advocate. I was just not ready yet.

Last night however, I told one of my close friends. I told him about my poz status and the whole story from me getting sick, to my current state. I told him through YM.

Lucky: I want to tell you a secret. But it’s not just an ordinary secret that you can tell another person. I know we have this habit on telling someone’s secret to another person but this is not the typical drama that we used to gossip. It’s something big...

Friend: Tutumbling ba ko dyan?

Lucky: I think I’ll get this year’s “Best Story of the Year” in our group. Are you ready?

Friend: Anuna?

Lucky: Kuha ka ng tissue. Kuha ka din ng alak.

Friend: Game na!

Lucky: I am HIV positive

I told him almost everything that happened. That the rashes were not from my TB medication but from my anti-retrovirals. That whenever I was in Alabang, I was in the clinic. That I’m a survivor. That I won’t die anytime soon. I’m to pretty to die.

I told my friend to not show pity on me. I told him that I wasn’t ready to tell them about my status before because I need to first sort things out by myself, the typical Lucky Trese attitude.

Friend: Di pa nagsisink-in sa akin yung sinabi mo. Pero I think in time, it will. Lutang ako ngayon sa news mo.

I was happy that I was able to tell one of my good friends about my poz status. Not because I need his support or anything, but I just want him to be informed of my situation. And of course, to set an example and establish a support system for them in case they check out as pozies as well. Knock on wood, wag naman sana.

I told him that he needs to get tested. That our friends should get tested. I do know the sexcapades of my friends. We discuss it blow by blow whenever we get bored talking about other people’s lives. He said that he’s afraid but I told him that early detection is better than just dying because of ignorance. I told him that if ever he tested positive, that at least I’m here to support him and help him out.

Friend: At least if I get tested positive, wag naman sana, may kapit ako sa loob.

Lucky: Naman!

Soon I’ll be telling my other friends, a select few, about my poz status. Then eventually, like what I told E and my friend, maybe I’ll come out in public. But I won’t come out in public and just be someone to be ridiculed. It will be an event. An HIV coming out party. Maybe contact my friend who’s a director to work on an independent film about the Pusits. Dapat... bongga!

But of course, me coming out in public won’t happen any time soon. Maybe next year. Who knows right?

Leaves Of Grass

"For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you"
- Walt Whitman in Leaves of Grass

I found a quote that sums up my current state of being. I feel calm. I feel content. I feel at peace. You would struggle to rouse me to anger or bitterness. It's an unusual feeling, and for me, not a normal one.

"Clear and sweet is my soul... and clear and sweet is all that is not my soul"

That line also made me reflect on those that hate me too. I’m constantly trying to stop hating them back, those bastards who would want to see me dead, who would deny me my basic human rights. The drama queens. The hecklers. I'm leaving it to them to hate. They have their own issues.

In place of hate, I feel pity. Why? Because they're moths.

Why moths?

Did you ever hear why moths fly into candles?

Moths navigate by light. The sun, the moon, the stars. They mistake the candle on the table for a natural light source. But because it's static, their navigation gets confused, and they fly round and round it in circles, getting gradually closer and closer. These people who hate me are the same. They have misidentified something good and natural as being evil and malevolent. They say I am the enemy, that I have no value except as figures of hate. And so they take all their cues from me; react against everything I do. But I try to keep thriving, and keep growing. My light, my way of life, my candle on the table, keeps getting bigger and stronger and brighter. Inevitable, this attracts more and louder hate. The result? You can see it everyday in their actions and statements. Their desperation is growing. They're spinning faster and faster and louder and louder in decaying orbits of hate and vitriol. So I'm just waiting for them to run into the flames and burn up. It will happen. It's already happening. The more work we do to combat it, the sooner it will happen. Eventually, all their hatred will be suddenly extinguished, with a pfffft and a silent scream.

So no, I don't hate them. I pity them. I pity them for the fact that when that time comes, they will have to account for their hatred, have to admit that they were wrong. And they will feel an enormous emptiness. All that misplaced, misdirected hate and energy. I pity them, because they will have to judge themselves in whichever afterlife they think they are going to, in front of whichever icon they worship, and they will have to judge themselves. And they will find that they are lacking. That they have been needlessly, viciously cruel to people who did not offend, and who did not deserve it.