I am friendly. No seriously. I am. But let me tell you another thing... There is a difference between being friendly and being friends.
Was in RITM last Friday. Almost all of my poz friends were there + G. Wasn't feeling really well due to my low hemoglobin but I was able to throw a few jokes every now and then. After lunch, we went to the annex area, Magic Sing time for most of the pozzies. I brought my laptop and have to do some work.
Here's the thing. When I'm working and focused on it... you cannot disturb me... don't even try. Haha.
And then came R. Well, in an ideal world, I guess our personalities will click... But that day, I was anemic, working, and bitchy. R started throwing jokes at everyone... No response from me. Then he started talking to me... rubbing me the wrong way.
I was being friendly.... meaning.. instead of attacking him, i just shut my mouth. That is the reason why I shut my mouth and just focused on my laptop. I do not want to start any tension at RITM... I can start a fight and I can claw his face off.
G was a bit concerned, me not being my usual self. I just told him that I feel tired and just need to finish something in my PC.
R then started bickering and heckling yet again. I chose to ignore him.
What I hate about R is that he can't take any hint!!! All bitches should know that when someone doesn't want to interact with them, that they should stop already. R kept on bugging me. But I kept quiet and chose to build a firewall between us.
After RITM, we had dinner at the mall then walked a long way towards the bus terminals. I talked to Avatar and told him why I was being aloof with R. I told him that I don't like R, and shutting myself up is me being friendly to him. I was about to tell R - "Are we close?" and "Are we friends?" but chose to shut up instead. Yeah, R and I have almost the same personality but the difference is.... i know when to stop... and I'm prettier.
I don't like you. And I don't need to anyway. Good riddance.
I always have my moments of insecurity. I think it is normal. I was never gifted with good skin, good physique, etc. I don't believe in good genes. Everything is hardwork.
Years ago, I pulled off a eurpoean-ish lean look. Biceps, triceps, pecs and abs. Nice skin color. But then a lot had happened to my life... My mom getting sick, jumping from one job to another, etc. To-date, I know I still look good. Maybe not modelesque but I do have something. I am-door not a head turner, the boy-next-door, etc.
I still have my rash marks. I dropped weight, at 53kg. I was hospitalized for almost a month last year. I partied every weekend last year. I used recreational drugs. Etc.
So this year is the year of looking hot and all. I was looking at my old semi-hunky pics. Give me 2-3 months and I'll turn heads. Boys will squirm and wish they know me. Hahahaha. Steps steps steps
1-Get out of my anemic state.
2-Go back to the gym.
3-Grow my hair long. I look hot and nice with long hair
4-Time to go out and shop more.
Yes... i may sound like a dumb blonde. The typical dumb blonde who just wants to be pretty. Well, nothing's wrong with being pretty. And I want to regain my title as the "Tease." Back then, I will just stand in a club or in the mall, make all those flirtatious moves. I love a good exchange of words, reparte. Body language and all. Kissing.... then.... not giving out my number at the end... I walk away...
This afternoon, I made my trip to RITM. I need to get my CBC and ask the doctor if I need to change ARVs. I am not sure where my fatigue was coming from – heat exhaustion or from my ARV. I have my 8-10 hours of sleep, I have cut down on my gimmick, I am not spending the wee hours partying anymore. Well maybe last Valentine weekend I had 2 straight nights clubbing and all but based on my body clock, I really just had a couple of extra hours past my usual bed time.
I was feeling so-so until last week. I feel tired when I wake up, after taking my meds, etc. You can usually spot me walking to work with a black umbrella and Gatorade. Lately, I’m looking pasty white. I was not sure if it was from the peeling soap and clindamycin that the dermatologist prescribed for my rash marks, or if I’m getting anemic or something. Last Sunday, my pozzie friends told me that I look pale. Little J thought that I’m wearing a lipstick. Lipstick??? People don’t wear lipsticks on summer, fashion 101. LOL.
I arrived around 330pm and Ate Ana showed me my Feb 3, 2010 CBC results. My hemoglobin count was at 100, normal is 130. What?!? I was at RITM weeks ago but no one was there except for Ate E, I asked for my records and the Feb3 CBC results is not yet on my file. It was only this morning that my CBC results was included in my records, it’s not yet stapled in my folder. Ate Ana told me to get another CBC test. I then waited for the result in the clinic. I already know that my fatigue and exhaustion was due to my low hemoglobin induced by my ARV (Zidovudine). I may need to have my Zido changed to something else.
While waiting for the result and my consultation, I saw 2 familiar faces in the clinic. We haven’t actually met but they are friends of friends. A newbie pozie was also there with his mom. 3-4 other posies was there as well. Most of them waiting for CD4 results.
My CBC results came out….. it dropped to 63. From 130 to 100 to 63! I then made my initial consult with Dra. A. We discussed about my meds, my cbc… And then I was shocked when my ARV won’t be changed. I then asked Dra. A why my ARV should still be Zido even if, obviously, my hemoglobin is less than half the normal count.
Dra. A is one of the new Doctors in RITM. She actually is an expert on pulmonary tuberculosis but not yet on HIV patients. She and another doctor handles “light” HIV cases. I remember meeting them during my first visit. Still on training. Good thing I have my poz friends and researched about my ARVs, otherwise, I might be taking Zidu tonight and continue to drop my hemoglobin count.
Dra. A then consulted to Ate Ana… I find it weird, a doctor consulting to Ate Ana. Ate Ana said that my Zido ARV should be changed to Stavudine. But to be 100% sure, we went to Dra. D. Dra. D said that I need to change to Stavudine. She said that my hemoglobin count will normalize in a month’s time. She said I can get Erythropotein if I want faster results, but at my own cost. It’s Php 2,000 per shot. She said 2-3 shots would be good enough. I told myself I’m getting 2 shots starting Friday then Monday next week.
We went back to the clinic, I got my prescription for my ARVs, antibiotics, etc. My prescription for Erhthroprotein. And then I asked for a medical certificate. I need to rest this week. I really can’t stand the heat. And with my Anemic status, I don’t want to just collapse in the middle of EDSA and be on the tabloids.
“Baklang Anemic, hinimatay sa MRT.”
The 2k/shot is not an issue. I’m getting 2-3 shots. All I want is to feel better. I owe it to myself, my family, my friends… and of course, my fans. LOL.
The pozies went on another field trip. Weeks ago, I asked them if they want to watch Live A.I.D.S. Live A.I.D.S. is not a play about people having HIV/AIDS. It's an annual comedy show by UP SAMASKOM.
8 pozies went to watch the show. E bailed out on us ("nagtago ang birthday gerl"). M can't make it. We had another newbie poz with us, poz23.
So.... Little Jenny was late. LATE. We waited for him til around 6pm before we went to UP. Sayang we we're unable to make tusok tusok the fishballs and/or boys in UP. At 6pm, the place was already packed with students and a lot of hot boys. KofiBoy pozie friend was there, some friends, officemates, etc. Did I mentioned.... hot boys? LOL. Laugh Out Little.
We we're inside the theater around 7pm. Good thing we arrived 6pm, otherwise, we will be standing through-out the show. Though we were not in great seats, being seated is already a delight. I remember years ago sitting on the stairs for 2 hours.
So then... Live AIDS started. I saw a good friend on stage as one of the actors. Clap clap clap. Super fun. "Ang sakit ng panga ko kakatawa" sounds like an understatement.
Love love love the Avakler skit (Avatar spoof). I love Aling Dionisia as well (Cobra). Sakit. Sarap, Sakit-Sarap. Alalalalalala Alou. A I I U U. Abnoynoy and Dick Garden. Hahahaha...
I sooooo miss theater. Back in college, i worked on scripts for my club. Nothing big really. I also choreographed a dance routine. And back in HS, I was on school and church theater (good old days of me and TGM).
After the show, before leaving UP, I pulled B.I.T.C.H. and introduced him to KofiBoy pozie friend. Then late dinner in Philcoa. Then a nice late night chit-chat with some of the pozies at Sbucks.
Poz23 and I shared a cab going south, dropped him along the way. I asked him about his first poz gimmick. So glad that he enjoyed the night... pucha... first time sumama, nanalo pa sa raffle! LOL. I told him that the poz squad goes out and have fun, talk about HIV/AIDS based on knowledge and experience. On a normal tone, conversational, not like having HIV is the end of the world.
I also told him that one way or another, his so called-career and my 2nd career choice can still be achieved. A little harder but can be done. Life does not end with HIV. That, I am an advocate of.
Speaking of advocacy. Bit by bit I want to help out on this. I want to voice out in the poz communicty that life goes on, that dreams can still be achieved. But I guess I want something more...
Live. Love. Laugh.... Laugh Out Little and it will take some of the pain away :)
I'm going to visit RITM tomorrow. I think one of my ARVs need to be changed. Low blood. Low hemoglobin count. I look pasty white. And usually get dizzy getting up in the morning. Headache. Etc. They might change my Zido to Teno. Good news is that I just need to drop 1 set of ARVs every 24 hours.
Last night I was out with a new pozzie friend. A newbie in the colorful world of HIV.
We had coffee and I was all ears for my newbie pozzie friend. I always tend to be the listener during first meet ups, trying to know and understand who the person is. Yeah, sometimes, people think that I'm a calculating bitch but not really. Anyway...
So this and that and I was glad that I was there for my newbie friend. I told him that the group I'm with is not a support group.
Let me clarify that....
I'm with poz friends. The support system is just an added bonus. We hang-out, we talk, we bitch around... like any ordinary barkada. Another circle of my many circles. I look at Mami, E, TGM, EM, Little J, etc... as my friends. And I'm sure, my newbie friend would be happy to be part of the circle.... See you soon!
Happy happy happy birthday to E! I met E around November. It was only last month that we started hanging out. Happy birthday E! More gimmick nights and more more fun with the rest of the Pantene girls. LOL. Super glad we met... Oh and yes... you owe me a kwento pa. By the way, i have a gift for you. See yah soon!
Okay okay okay. So my blog identity got busted. No issue really. I trust you guys. See.... I'm living proof that life continues even when you're a poz. Just like E and H and those who are out with their poz status. Live life. Love. Laugh. LOL!
Last Sunday was Valentines Day. And because I’m single, there was nothing waiting for me. Tradition, I guess.
Valentine’s Day is a day like any other but the whole point of it is to enjoy it with someone you love. I have a hard time finding someone to spend my days with someone I like, but that’s another story.
No cards, flowers, chocolates, or romantic dinners/walks/etc., but it’s not like I’ve had that in years past. I’ll partake in the day like everyone else who is single. It’s not like I haven’t done it for over +20 years. Maybe that can be my tradition, be single every 14th of February.
Things are looking good, full gear on my 2nd career. Crossing my fingers that at least 1 out of 4 attempts will be a success. My first career makes the money, my 2nd career makes me happy. And being single suits me. Yeah, I sort of decided that I'll be single this year. I'll go on dates, casual hookies (hmmmm....), but committing myself to someone... Uhm, pass. Well, I can always change my mind but for now, i want to take care of myself, my happiness, and my life first.
There are times where I feel the need to be comforted and a pillow won’t do. It’s not because I’m lonely. It’s because I want to feel the comfort and the warmth of another body. I need someone beside me, to cuddle with me.
Just to have somebody there, with an arm around me, or with my arm around them, feeling their faint breath on my neck, or mine in their hair.
But, there’s nobody here. There’s nobody to cuddle with.
True, you can be in love any time of the year, but it seems Valentine’s Day is the one time of the year where you have to show it. And showing love entails spending money. Whoever says love is free does not work in the fields of advertising and marketing.
What about those who don’t have anyone to show anything to? They don’t get the chocolates and flowers, and dinner is probably out of the question. And, don’t even bother bringing up the topic of sex unless it involves your hand or an inanimate device that runs with an electrical current.
C’est l’amour, c’est la vie.
Sadly, it doesn’t happen to everyone. Or, can it? Does it matter what time of the year it is, or is it specifically-related to a date?