Lucky 13

So ayun nga, just to inform everyone, I'm effing alive. Just busy. Ang last blog ko was before ako mag US. After a few weeks in the US, bugbog sa work. And di yung pretending na busy ha. As in super busy.

So my US trip was EPIC! Wala naman escapade but the trip was memorable. Went to different cities and states. Lumafang ng lumafang. Nag sight seeing and all. Shopping galore. Witchells ako nag credit card at ayoko mabaon sa jutang I paid all my shopping expenses in cash. Haha. Ang di ko lang keri is yung super long flight.

Then back to work. Syempre di naman ako pinadala sa US para magbakasyon. 12hours/day na trabaho. 4-5 hours lang ang borlogs ko everyday. Fuck diba? Oh well, as long as I accomplish something everyday, keri na ang eyebags pero mygaaaaaash, I super need a break.

Then itong pasko naman, nahold-up ako.... ng family at relatives. Akala siguro nila dahil nakapag-US ako eh Donya na ako. Kaloka. Pero sabi nga nila, it's better to give. So happy naman ako sa pagbibigay ng gifts.

So, 2011 in summary was AWESOME! As in! Dami ko nabiling gamit para sa bahay and still made ipon. Dami ko nakilalang tao especially sa work. I got my promotion last May. One year na kami ni Doraemon. My CD4 went up. Dami dami. And I'm very thankful sa lahat na nangyari at mangyayari pa sa life ko. So sa mga pozzie out there, not because pusit ka na, end of the world na. You should take it as a challenge - to wake up everyday and not just HOPE but DO something about your life.

Malapit na ang 2012. Sabi nila, end of the world na. Sa 12/12/12 ba? Sa 01/12/12? Kelan ba ng mataya sa lotto yang date na yan! Why will God end his beautiful creation (kahit madaming pasaway)?

Anyway, in 2012, I want to make it bongga. I'm setting my target on my next promotion, sa next trip abroad (hmmm... Europe!), meeting friendship, helping out, etc. Ayoko naman gumawa ng bucket list kasi may added pressure. Meron lang akong mga mental notes. Whatever happens diba? Pero I need to watch my health of course. Aanhin ko ang pera ko kung tegi na akech? Dba? So far di pa ko nagkakasakit ulit. I gained weight. As in body fat hindi muscle weight. So therefore it's time to put my vanity hat once more and make myself yummy. LOL. I miss those days na I make girls giggle and boys gigil.

And yes, as much as I can, I will post my misadventures. Katotohanan lamang at walang halong kaplastikan at fiction. Kasi ang dami dyan, fictional na yung post. Well okay naman if fictional eh ang problema, pinagkakalat nya na yun ang nangyayari sa kanya. Dba. Liar. Tapos yung iba, akala mo ang linis linis linis. Teh, mahirap magmalinis lalo na kung gawain mo din. Saka teh, mahirap yung ang linis linis mo nga, puro libag naman ang batok mo. Ewnesssss is next to oiliness which is prone to acne. In short, isa kang pimple na ang sarap putukin.

So ayan. Nang-aaway na naman daw ako. Di naman. Medyo lang. Di ako mabait. Maldita lang. Mahirap ang masyadong mabait. Sa pelikula lang or sa telenobela sila nagwawagi (tapos sa ending pa after 3 months).

So ayun. Good night. I need to borlogs na. See you laters!

Lucky: Good morning, I'm doing good.

C: So what is the purpose of your trip to the US?

L: I'll be attending business meetings for 4 weeks in *state*

C: Have you been in the US?

L: I went to *state* last 2005 for 3 weeks, then in *state* for a week to attend a business conference.

C: I see. Do you have relatives in the US?

L: Yes I do. I have cousins living in *state*

C: Do you have plans to go there after your business meetings?

L: No plans. I have to fly back here in Manila.

C: Okay. Your visa is approved.

Yes!!! I got my US Visa. I'll find out on Friday or Monday if I get 10 years. I think I'll get 10 years multiple entry B1 visa because I'll be going from one state to another. And I already had 2 US visas in the past. I'm flying to *state* soon. Will be there for 4weeks.

I'm going to the Basement* next week to get my ARV and a certification from the clinic just in case they ask about my ARVs and just in case I lost my luggage, so I can purchase my ARV in the US.

Me: Fuck-off. I'm just a year older than you are, you brat.

Bes: Hahahaha! Huy, you look good ha!

Me: Yeah, need to gain a few more pounds though.

Bes: Huy, promise me ha. Be safe.

Me: Safe?

Bes: Yes. Be safe. A few friends of ours passed away already. I think it’s because of late HIV diagnosis. Remember “X” a couple of years ago, and “Y” last year. And just recently, “Z.”

Me: Yeah I know. Don’t worry bes. I’ll be safe. You don’t have to worry much about me. We still have a few more years. You know what, everything seems to get old na… like clubbing (trying to change the topic).

Bes: Oh yeah. Look at the crowd bes. OML (Oh My Lord). Kids.

Me: I know right.

I haven’t told my best friend about my status. He doesn’t need to know any time soon. All he needs to know is that I’m doing well, I’m healthy, I’m not a partee boy anymore, and my future is looking good. I got side tracked a few years back, but I'm back in my red ruby slippers walking the yellow brick road to Oz.

After a few more minutes, bes bid his goodbyes. We hugged and then left the club. After an hour or so, me and hubby left the club and went home.

The reason why I haven’t told my friends about my HIV status is because I am not ready yet. It will take a few more years I guess. HIV is a horrible disease. HIV is my new normal. My current state of mind is somewhat okay with my new normal and it took me some time before I fully accepted it. Michael Johnson has been the poster boy of HIV/AIDS but let me tell you this – Michael Johnson is a millionaire and he has full access to whatever he needs – private chefs, better meds, a nutritionist, stressless work. I am no Michael Johnson. I’m a working class hero. So yeah, living with HIV is a little difficult. What more if you’re a class E citizen? It is hard. But what keeps me sane these days is work and my relationships with people.

Anyhoo, another year older, another year wiser. Everything is looking good – career, relationships, health. But there is something missing, something that I just can’t put my finger on, something like butterflies in my stomach. Or maybe it’s just acid reflux.

Officemate: Marunong ka mag-make-up? Ikaw, nag-m-make-up ka ba?

Me: I sometimes use liquid foundation when I go out. Pero di naman yung parang foundation day ako. I have slight discoloration sa face and neck. Yun lang naman. I don't wear eyeliner, bronzer, lipstick. Di naman ako rarampa na maghahanap ng afam.

O: So you know how to put on make-up.

M: I know the basics. Turuan kita?

O: Tse.... pero sige nga, pano ba?

M: Clean your face, put a BB cream or liquid foundation. Dapat yung foundation is one shade darker or the same as your skin sa leeg. Apply sa face palabas hanggang sa neck. After putting cream, konting loose powder para mag-hold. Then you are good to go honey.

O: Bronzer marunong ka?

M: Di ako nagbro-bronzer. Pero if maglalagay ka, dab sa cheekbones and sa t-zone i think.

Officemate 2: Ikaw, bakit di ka nagdadamit babae?

Me: I prefer men's clothing.

O: Kita mo yung baklang yun na naka dress, ang chaka!

M: Di ko nga alam eh. Baka walang salamin sa bahay.

O: Loka-loka.

M: Teh, bakla man, nagkakamali din. Perfect example yung baklang yun. Kita mo nga yung paa, di man lang magpa-pedicure.

O: Bakla ka, pati yung paa nakita mo.

Officemate 1: Lucky, bakit ayaw mo mag-gym?

Me: I did before. Pero alam mo naman sa team natin, walang panahon.

O: Sayang, I saw your pics sa FB. Nalaglag panty ko.

M: I'll take that as a compliment. Pero teh, di ako pumapatol sa babae.

O: Dami nyong becky na pumuputok putok ang muscles. Sayang!!!!

M: So nalaglag din panty mo?

O: Pati matres ko nalaglag!!!

M: Ingat ka, baka kunin nila matres mo.

Hubby and I were talking about the adoption situation in their household. His Aunt wants to adopt a baby. He was asking for my opinion in the situation.

One of her Aunt's friends informed them about a newly born baby in a hospital who is up for adoption. The mother of the baby does not have the financial capacity to support the child. Her Aunt, after seeing the beautiful baby girl, had the good intentions of paying for the hospital bills and adopting the baby. Sounds good right? A good Samaritan. Her Aunt consulted them (her kids and hubby) about adopting the baby but towards the end of their conversation, her aunt told them that they should help out as well on taking care of the baby.

Hubby was "adopted" by her aunt. He lived with them as long as he could remember. So for hubby, it is paying it forward.

Anyway, cutting our discussion short, I told him that a baby is a responsibility and he should not pressure himself in saying yes to her Aunt. I advised him that the decision should come from her aunt, not from him nor from his cousins.

Eventually, her aunt decided to adopt the child.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Last Tuesday, I had a chat with my officemates over coffee. She saw the ring in my finger and asked me if I have any plans on getting married with my partner. She said that gay marriage is legal in Brazil where she lives. I told her that gay marriage in the Philippines is not yet legal and even if it is, I don't have any plans of getting married soon. Maybe sometime in the future, but not in the near future.

She then asked me if I have plans in adopting a kid.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

At my best friend's birthday party, his fiance opened the topic of adoption. He said that they talked about it and they have plans of adopting a kid in the future. He said that in their relationship, eventually, a kid will bring them together in full circle. He asked one of our friends and he said he has no plans. He then looked at me and asked me if I have plans. I took a long sip of red wine and just shook my head.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

I have my priorities set in the next couple of years - climb higher on the corporate ladder; get healthier; build stronger relationships with my family, friends, and with my partner; and, invest on something. Adopting a baby is not on my list yet. It's not because I'm afraid of responsibilities and commitment, but it's because I am not ready yet. And partly, it's because of my HIV status. Until they find a cure, my answer to adoption is no.

Last night I had a date with my hubby. It was our monthsary. We were supposed to watch a movie but there were no more tickets so we decided to go have a sing

-a-long challenge at Timezone. After 1.5 hours of singing ala Ate Regine and Mariah, we decided to have din din and then coffee.

Earlier that day, I messaged my friends and asked them to go out and meet up. My first group of gay friends. I also messaged a few pozzies to join us (Baby China and Little Jenny).

So... hubby went off to work, I waited for my friends at a coffee shop. After 1 hour of waiting, they arrived. Then... we went to Malate.

It was Malate's White Party. I was never a Malate baby. I'm a Makati girl. So the thought of partying in the streets of Malate is not my cup of tea. We decided to go to Bed.

So there, sort of a reunion with good friends. Saw familiar faces here and there that I haven't seen for months/years. Oo na, ang taba ko. Pero not really. I was 120lbs back then. I'm 130lbs now. So yeah, ang taba ko.

I drank. I smoke. Not exactly the model pozzie. But I told myself, this will be my cheat day.

I received an sms message from a newbie pozzie. He said he was in Bed as well. So we met up. Actually, he found me. We hugged and he said, in a slurry way, that I'm an inspiration. Hmmmm. Hahaha. I'm not good with compliments so I told him that he was just drunk.

Another sms message from a pozzie, Red. I met up with him outside of Bed.

At around 4ish, I told my friends that I'm going home. Back then, I'm usually the person who's drugged and wasted til 6am. Things changed. Time to go home. They said that they will go home as well. I was happy that all of us grew up from our old habits.

R: Kanino bang idea 'tong mag Malate? (Who's idea was it to go to Malate?)

Me: Mine. Why?

R: Sakit ng ulo ko, na-leng-leng lang ako, haggard! (Headache, drunk, haggard)

Me: That's the idea.

Me: This is to re-affirm what we stopped doing. This is to remind us of what we usually get after partying and dancing all night. This does not mean that we will do this every week again.

R: Hahahaha. Correct.

Me: We are getting old noh?

R: Yeah. Fun times. I'm glad you set this one up.

Me: Me too.

R: The habit is dead. But the friendship is what we still have.

Me: BOOM!

Fun times with good friends and great company. Life goes on. It's been almost 2 years since my diagnosis. And I'm still here. Life is good. Life is great. My life before was like a shiny disco ball, it just goes round and round all night until everyone decides to go home, until the club music fades. I will have the memories of my shiny disco balls and will cherish them. But I am getting older. My decision to cut down my partying was not just because of my HIV status, but because of a change that needs to happen.

Don't get me wrong, being a home-buddy is actually a good thing. I get more well-rested after spending almost 50-60 hours a week at the office. I spend more time with my family. I get to read books again - books that I bought a gazillion years ago that I need to dust-off. I was back when I was just a young adult - a loner who locks up in his room in his PJs reading books, listening to music, and daydreams a lot.

Last night though, I went out. I went to my friend's party. It's been months since I saw my friends. Wine, cheese and good company. Reminiscing the past every now and then. Yes - we grew up but we never grew apart. I guess it is part of getting old.

I went home around 2am. My friend begged me to stay but I told him that it was getting late, it's raining and I still live down south. I gave him a big hug. I told him that we should see each other soon, but "soon" usually means months from now.

I am getting used to a different lifestyle. I don't want to get stuck in the past - partying like crazy over the weekend, getting hung over the next day, brain dead on Monday. But don't get me wrong - I still enjoy going to parties and events. But the sex, drugs and rock & roll drama needs to stop.

Martha Stewart once said, "Life is too complicated not to be orderly." My life needs order. My life needs a little compartmentalization. Do this. Don't do that. And it is not entirely because of my HIV status, but it's just something that I have to do.

Last Thursday, I went to the Hills to get my ARV refill. Bought Tiramisu for the staff, chatted with Ate Let about PhilHealth and talked to Ate Ana. When Ate Ana pulled out my folder, she said... "Undetectable ka na pala, yung results ng Viral Load mo nung December."

Great news indeed.

HIV viral load tests are reported as the number of HIV copies in a milliliter (copies/mL) of blood. If the viral load measurement is high, it indicates that HIV is reproducing and that the disease will likely progress faster than if the viral load is low. During treatment and monitoring, a high viral load can be anywhere from 5,000 to 10,000 copies/mL. Initial, untreated, and uncontrolled HIV viral loads can range as high as one million or more copies/mL. A low viral load is usually between 40 to 500 copies/mL, depending on the type of test used. This result indicates that HIV is not actively reproducing and that the risk of disease progression is low.

A viral load result that reads “undetectable” does not mean that you are cured. It may mean that either the HIV RNA is not present in your blood at the time of testing or that the level of HIV RNA is below the threshold needed for detection.

Change in viral load is also a very important measurement. A rising count indicates either that the infection is getting worse or that you have developed resistance to the drugs that are being used for therapy, while a falling count indicates improvement and suppression of the HIV infection.

My point is... CD4 is not the only measurement that pozzies should focus on. You have to monitor your health (in general), your attitude, your SGPT, your Viral Load, etc.

I am not cured, I know that. I am still a pozzie. But with my undetectable viral load, I just can't stop smiling. I know that you are not gone.... but I have definitely moved on. Cheers!

I went online and pinged my boss, I asked her if there's anything that she needs to tell me. She was hesitant, I got excited. Finally, she told me that I was promoted!

I got promoted in less than a year! All the hard work done, the sleepless nights, the Excel Formula nightmares, etc. paid off!

Now I'm fired up! Not fired. Fired up! Fired up to take bigger roles. Woohoo!

---------------------------

Some may say that with the stress that I am getting from work, that my CD4 might suffer. Nah. I feel good, I feel great, I feel more alive than ever.

Fact, they don’t owe me anything, but they could show some common decency. The total disregard for someone else and the lack of manners pisses me off. Manners. I’d rather have them say they cannot meet me instead of leaving me hanging on, checking my phone for a text or message every few minutes.

If I want to do something with you and clear my schedule to spend time with you, then why would you string me along and have me wait for you when you have no intention of ever showing up?

I could stand them up and bail out on them, block them from my mobile phone and Facebook.... but that would only bring me down to their level and I don’t want to do that because that would only make me more of an asshole then they are. And, I'm just too classy for that.

Karma will just bite them on the ass.

----------------------------------------------------------------

By the way, my blog was quoted in WegoHealth.

Go to http://community.wegohealth.com/profiles/blogs/coming-out-about-your to read the whole article. Thanks Jordan for mentioning my blog.

In the past few months, because of work, I kept my weekends to myself. At home sleeping, watching reruns, with Doraemon, with my mom and sis. I rarely go out. See, I live in the suburbs. I need to travel at least 1hr to the next joint.

But last night, my team had an impromptu gimmick. I'm in Cebu and I'm going back to Manila so they want to take me out somewhere in Cebu.

We had dinner somewhere in IT park. Had coffee. Then went to Mango to drink, sing and dance. I was with the company of straight people. Kaloka. Some of them spontaneously hooked-up (patay tayo dyan!) and I was left baby-sitting the rest of the team. One of my colleagues kept on pushing me to this guy pero naman ayaw ko. (1) I am committed to someone and (2) I am committed PERIOD.

I am flying back home. Can't wait to see my family, my dogs, my friends.

And of course... I miss Doraemon!!! Lapit na balentayms and our monthsary!

Kanina sa office, dahil sa nakikita kong stressed ang mga tao, nagsayaw ako ng Whip My Hair. Hahaha! Yeah, I'm an office clown 'pag kailangan. Masaya and mabuti akong katrabaho. Ayoko ng masyadong stress sa work, yung di ka na marunong ngumiti. Kahit pagod, dapat, may smile ng konti.

So there... i whip my hair back and forth. I whip my hair back and forth.

Ashualey... habang nagtutuyo ng buhok sa banyo kanina, i whip my hair ulit ang eksena ko. Sakit nga ng leeg ko eh. Punyetang Willow Smith yan. Bibong bata parang walang buto sa leeg.

So whip your hair if you wanna be happy. Whip your hair for a better life. Chos!

The reason why I committed myself in working my ass off is because I want to get a promotion within the year. My boss has high hopes that I can get promoted as long as I do well on my commitments and deliver beyond the expectations of each project. Kaya ko 'to mga teh.

Getting a promotion means getting a higher bonus and higher salary. I need to save more money. In 2012, I'll be paying for my ARVs. Though with my current pay, I can afford the projected Php3,000/month for ARVs. Pero syempre I need the extra boost in salary for other stuff. Pambili ng vitamins, supplements, and pampaganda. Pang foot spa, mani-pedi, facialm pa-spa, ahihihihi. Diba... Dapat maganda pa din kahit stressed. Stressed ka na nga tapos mukha ka pang halimaw, san na ko pupulutin nun? Ewwwww. Oiliness is next to poverty!

And I am not getting any younger. I'll be turning 30 soon. And I want to be, at least, on a lead role (on a motion picture... char). The only way is up in the career ladder. I am an achiever. Kaya kailangan ko itich ma-achieve.

Kaya there... Super cut ang nightlife. Pahinga lang sa house. Spending time with my family and Doraemon. Ang gimmick ko is movie date with hubby. Clubbing was super nawala na. Siguro 1x every 2 months na lang. This weekend though, I'm going out with my trainers and agents and the clients. Pero ayoko makarinig ng anything about work this weekend otherwise mananampal talaga ako ng fez. Time for some red horsey.

So there... back to work.

"I give you my hand, my heart and my soul..."

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww... pakshet!

In my mind, I already planned for my own wedding. The grooms' song. The outfit. The theme. The location. I'm just waiting for him to give me the ring and I'll say, without a doubt, I DO!

Yes... I found him. He found me.

I found Love in the Time of HIV/AIDS.