While some people are born beautiful, others get beauty thrust upon them in the way of hair, makeup, lighting, and a good photographer. Then, there’s me. No amount of good genes, thrusting, hair/makeup/lighting/photographer combo can make me into a cover model. A mowdel.
Seems like these days, everyone has their photos taken by professional and wannabe photographers. Anyway...
When dealing with my appearance, it takes a lot of effort just to look like me...
There’s the washing, scrubbing, shaving, exfoliating, moisturizing, tweezing, threading, squeezing, brushing, combing, and smoothing. And, that’s just a couple of things I do to my head. I won’t even describe what happens below the neck (although you can imagine).
There is so much work to be done and so little time to do it all. Lord knows I'll never be smokin' hot. Especially with what I have to deal with thanks to my HIV state.
But weeks ago, a pozzie friend saw me at the club.
"Ang kinis mo na! And you're getting leaner."
My rash marks are 95% gone, my skin is fairer, I'm almost 130lbs, and I feel much better. It's been almost a year since I was diagnosed. I look better than ever. I look... MAJOR MAJOR!
I think that this is my year. Better job. Better health. Better me! As for Running Man, better luck next time. I'm not gonna push through with him anymore. No progress. I may be the one with HIV, but he's more crippled than I am.
A career should be more than a job, but a sense of self.
When I graduated from college, I was not looking for a job; I wanted a career. Why did I spend all that time in school if I wasn’t going to get something out of it?
Yeah, I may have been around but my expertise and skill sets always fits any company, any industry. And I have an end state - to be an expert in project management.
Right now, my new job keeps me very busy.I usually work 10-12 hours a day, 5-days a week. I told myself that I can do overtime at the office but my weekends are MY WEEKENDS. I have a great boss who is from the UK who helps me further develop my skills. I talk directly to Senior executives and to our clients. And in just close to three weeks since I started working, I helped a pozzie get hired into one of our projects.
I am back on track on my career.
This time, I don't need to convince myself every time I wake up to move my ass just to get to the office and "work" like in my previous job.
Yeah.. maybe it is still premature, it's been less than month since I started. But like what I told my boss when he asked me how I'm doing... i told him... So far so good!
On the flip side, I miss some of my friends. I told myself that it's all about work from M-F. Sundays with family. Saturdays with friends but I usually can't get hold of them. I cut myself off from Facebook and YM when I'm at work. I need to focus.
I'm already 27 and I need to be at least in middle management by 30. Friends (real friends, not just gimmick friends) will always be there. I haven't seen my best friend for about 6 months because he was busy as well with work, he's a junior executive at the age of 25! My career idol.
Running Man: I have this feeling that you had a promiscuous past.
Lucky: To be honest, yes. Add it up in my list... partee boy, bitch, and now... promiscuous
Running Man: I still don't mind... What's important is who you are today.... right?
Lucky: (kinilig)
I was a little promiscuous in the good old days. But my promiscuity to date... I guess... is slowing down. I have my limits. And I am not getting any younger.
...I once became someone's number 2. Without me knowing.
...I made out with my best friend. Not just once. Not twice. Not 3x. I think we did it 5x. In our defense, we were just under the influence of drugs. Both of us were mature enough to understand that it was just a kiss.
...I had sex with a married guy. In their bed. With their wedding picture in the night table.
Okay, okay... Too much information. I had... HAD... lived a promiscuous life. I want to take a "lighter" route. I'm not saying that I'll be one altar boy but I am putting a hiatus on my promiscuity. Need to prioritize on my health, relationship with people, my new work... and with Running Man. Yes. Running Man is on my list. Not equally important but still important.
Lalo na ngayon, tag-ulan. Ang daming palaka. At pagod na pagod na ako humalik sa mga palakang di naman nagiging prinsipe.
I am promiscuous... but like everyone else... I am fragile.
Running Man and I had our first official date last weekend. No expectations whatsoever. I did not considered our first meet up as a date since all we did was make out and get intoxicated.
We met up before 7pm in Makati, we were supposed to watch the 730pm screening of Inception but all the seats were already taken. We bought tickets for the 930pm screening instead. With hours to kill, we decided to get 1 round of drinks first, thinking that being tipsy while watching Inception would be really interesting.
We ordered our drinks and talked... yes.... we talked. That's what I value most when on a date. We exchanged stories, about our own lives, our friends, our family. Even talked about past relationships. They say that you shouldn't talk about your ex's on a date. In a gay guy's world, I think it's okay. Time flew and we got back to the movie house for the movie.
+Points... a guy who knows how to have good conversation without any drama...
He's a great movie buddy. We both like watching trailers. Hahaha. Then the movie started. He grabbed my right hand....
+Points... a guy who's not afraid to hold my hand in the cinema.
After the movie, he asked me if I want to come with him and meet his friends. His straight non-homophobic friends. He said he wants me to meet them.
+Points... a guy who let's me in into his world.
I usually do good around other people. I met his friends who were already drunk. Nice bunch of hags and stags. Had 3 shots of tequila in less than an hour. Hmmmm... is this sort of a right of passage? Hahaha. We transfered to a club to get some much needed dancing, still with his friends. At the club... still... more booze. I got more comfortable hanging out with his friends.
Every now and then, Running Man comes to my side and hugs me.
+Points... sweet!
One by one, his friends left. 5 of us stayed and finished our drinks. A number of people still dancing at the club. Running man and I had a small chit-chat, asking me if I had fun. I said yes and that I was glad that he invited me to meet and party with his friends. Then, he just kissed me.... IN A STRAIGHT CLUB.
++++++Points!!!
We left the club and had breakfast. After breakfast, he waited for me to get a cab. I wished that we can spend the morning together but both of us were tired and sleepy. A cab stopped in front of us. We said our goodbyes. Then he gave me a kiss on the lips.
++++++Points!!!
Got home and slept with a smile on my face. Such a sweet guy. A guy who's comfortable with his sexuality, who's not afraid to show how he feels. I then found out that I was the first guy that he kissed in front of his friends, the first guy that he kissed along the streets of Makati. He might be making bola but you know what, I don't care.
When I'm with him, I can be me. I can be loud, be playful, be a little bitch. I can be me. And that's big points for running man.
But the next question is.... will he still accept me and continue to see me when he finds out that I am HIV positive? Or will he live up with his pseudo name... will he run away?
Away from me or with me?
I haven't decided yet on when to tell him. So far, what we have is a little serious. We've been seeing each other for just about a week or so. It's still early and we're not rushing things. No sex yet, we haven't even talked about it. Don't know where we're heading. Again, no rush. Right now, we like each other. Not "just like" but "like" each other. You know?
Some people are happy being single. Some are not. Some are okay that they are single but they still long for that knight in shiny tiara. All all, I think no one wants to be alone.
Some people that I know, friends and frenemies, whine that there are few people out there that meet their standards, some complain about their relationship status in Facebook. One minute they want to be serious, the next minute, they go out on a hunt and fuck some random stranger.
In other words, they’re not lonely. They’re horny. They want to get off. It’s an endorphin rush. And when the rush dissipates, they’ll feel alone again. This cycle continues until, one day, they’ve turned 40 and are still alone.
I understand how they feel because I’ve been single for most of my life. What I don’t understand is thecomplaining. I know it’s hard, but I work at it and don’t sit on my ass waiting for things to happen.
You sometimes get lucky, you sometimes get rejected. If the shoe fits right? Keep on dating until you find someone who you like, change your criteria, or just shut the fuck up because no one wants to hear about your relationship status because there are many other people in the same situation. Like me.
It's okay if you go emo for a few minutes. It's normal for single gay guys. I have my moments. But do not make it a habit. Don't sound so desperate.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Running Man and I decided to have our first official date this weekend. It's a trial run. No major expectations whatsover. A date should be fun and hassle free. Sex free? Yeah... sex will have to wait. There is something really interesting about Running Man that I want to check out first. Let's see if the shoe fits :)
With a few more bum-days left, my schedule was packed with gimmicks, parties and last-hurrah-celebrations. Unfortunately, the gloomy weather was not very cooperative. But hell with the rain, a party won't be a party without Lucky making a big scene.
I attended an old friend's birthday party. As far as I know, my friend has two types of friends... the we-know-we-are-gay group and the di-ako-bakla-sino-bakla-pero-bottom-kami-lahat group. I belong to the fun side, the group who is comfortable to say "chorva" without flinching. I decided to wear some skinny, skimpy, and a little more fashion forward outfit just to irritate the peppercorns. It worked... and I can read it in their shallow thought-balloons (what is he wearing?). Seriously, plaid polo is too 90's these days. I rather wear a skirt than be caught wearing a table cloth.
Next... I plugged in my iPod to play handbag tunes. But this step failed. The peppercorns love love love Kylie Minogue and Agnes. Ikaw na ang pamintang nadurog!
Step 3... I have no problems staring at people and give them a condescending look. It makes them feel a little uncomfortable. My friend and I played the dumb blonde role as well. But they fought back with their own brand of conyo language. Unfortunately, their conyo slang lacks the true essence of a true conyo... Ang totoong conyo at sosyal, kahit tag-lish, correct ang grammar. Susmiyo... their style is more of jejeconyo.
At one point during the night, a familiar guy entered the party... un-glamorously drunk and kept on blurting "Bro, I'm drunk." He then had a quick chit-chat with his "bros" about some guy outing him out.
Sa lagay nyang yan di pa sya out? I know this guy, his exes, his past dates, his kalandian. Not sure why he was so shocked about the general gay public's knowledge of his sexuality.
Anyway... I got tired of "testing" them so I decided to chug vodka and get a few shots of tequila. I did not noticed that most of my friends already left the party. It's now me vs the peppercorns.
I then texted Running Man.
Running Man and I have been texting for almost a month. Haven't seen each other yet but I think we can really hit it off. I asked him to join me at the party. He arrived and I immediately gave him a shot or two of tequila. And then... we made out in the center of the room. PDA at its finest.
What was I thinking? Wiat... what's this guy's name again? Oh yeah, just enjoy the kiss bitch and make a big fuzz. Hmmmm... he smells nice.
After a minute or so making out. We laughed. End scene.
An hour or so, the guests left the hotel one by one. I asked my friend if Running Man and I can stay over til check-out time and he said yes. We were already in bed, cuddling, and ready to sleep til two friends came in and brought a half-empty bottle of tequilla. More shots? Oh shit.
I took the shot glass, took a slice of lemon, and took a pinch of salt... Now now... where to put the salt? In the shot glass (classic)? In the lemon (schuchal)? In Running Man's skin (weeeeeeeh)? My friend was shocked with the body shot. Running Man did the same thing to me. He was more adventurous than I am, he pulled my shirt up and put the salt in my nip area. Oh.Em.Gee. Yes... there was another show at 5am in the morning.
While my two friends were busy discussing their previous affairs, Running Man and I made out while laying in bed. Still with our clothes on. Medyo wholesome pa din since every now and then, we giggled while making out. Ang landi lang diba?
Finally, at 7am, my two friends decided to give the tequila shots a rest (kasi naubos na namin yung tequila). They went outside and found an empty sofa bed and slept. I locked the bedroom doors behind them.
(Bedroom scene deleted, no MTRCB rating yet)
So there... I made a big fuzz, a big scene at my friend's party.
It was fun, the beat was sick. Did Lucky took a ride on his disco stick?
It's been almost two weeks since I updated this blog. Been busy these past few days - meeting friends, working on my pre-employment requirements, partying and munching on anything within reach. For now I'll just write a quick update on what's been happening to me. I know you miss me... xoxo
Hired. After months of bum-ness, I finally got a job. It was not my dream job but I need to be practical and realistic. I don't want to burn my savings just bumming around. I just need to submit and finish my pre-employment requirements so I can start before this month ends. The position is very interesting. I asked X about how challenging the work would be and he said that it will be stressful yet will work on my advantage. In the past 6 years of working, regardless of what type of industry, I stay true to my expertise. With this new job, it will further enhance my skill set. I plan to be in middle management in the next 5 years. No more slacking off.
Friends. After I signed my employment contract, I met up with Kofiboy for dinner and coffee. It was sort of a double celebration since both of us will start on our new work this month. We had headed to Jalapeno in Home Depot for dinner then we had coffee at Starbucks. I then met up with X for some drinks then head home. I looked at my calendar and saw that I have less than 15 days of bumming around.
Day-Off. A day-off in my bum life consists of having a facial, a massage, a manicure, a pedicure and a haircut. Nice noh?
Birthday Pre-Planning. Months from now I'll be celebrating my twenty-xth birthday. I want a big celebration this time with all the glitz and glams and boys. A Mardi Gras weekend. Watch out watch out... the bitch is back! I need an escort though. Application ongoing.
So there... need to hit the sack. More updates to come. I'm back you bitches!
There are things that I am sorry about... the list grows... by one or a few items. Their importance and relevance range from the tiny to the titanic.
Some people carry the hurt with them while others carry on. With forgiveness come apologies. The cycle continues and this vicious cycle never ends. For now.... let me give a big shout out to those that I hurt in the past....
Life is filled with journeys - metaphorically and literally - of seemingly limitless destinations and differing degrees of distances. Many of us, however, have eyes firmly set at the eventual point. the end of the line. For the past couple of months, I started to value the importance of waiting. The status of being in-between; neither at the point of origin nor the destination.
Nothing really happened. It was just life going on, I guess. A more timid pace.
It's funny how after a certain moment of conscious inactivity, life suddenly beckons despite the lack of initiation. The last couple of weeks have shown this. Not only have I been made to be more organized, to plan and to prioritize, but also to realize those things that I've been a while procrastinating about.
And that lies the simple reason and the important lesson I place in waiting. Nothing is valued so preciously in this life than for that thing which has been long pined for. After all, what kind of worth has something if handed on a silver platter and so easily attained.
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Last night I met up with X after my final interview with Company Y. I then found out that he works for company Y, that we have a handful of common friends, that we were both from the same province, etc. Like any other meet-ups that I had with newbie pozzies (bloggers and non-bloggers), I was quite excited to know his journey in the glitz and glamorous poz life.
We had a couple of drinks while dishing our own stories. It was a good 3 hour talk with X. We'll catch up again soon.. and yes... with booze!
I was at the 9th Malate White party last night and to be honest, it was my first Malate white party. It may not seem like it but I am actually a sort-of newbie clubber. I started going to clubs, events and parties just 4 years ago and... I was never a Malate boy. I was a Makati baby. Yeah there is a difference.... My "gay-ness" was not socially induced by the streets of Orosa and Nakpil, but with the lights and traffic of Makati. I only started my Malate night outs late last year.
Anyway, last night had a "palengke" atmosphere. There's the dry section, the wet section, the sariwa and the panis. The nagmamaganda, the maganda, the pa-pam-pam, the paminta (achoo), the addicts (sex and/or drug addicts that is). The fags, fag-hags and fag-stags. A number of familiar faces here and there.
I received a number of "EB" proposals that night. Most of them want to hook-up with me at the event, some wants to go drinking, a couple wants some hot-sex after the party. But after all the glitz and glamour and the basang kili-kili, I got to my usual snob-bitch mood.
After the performances at the corner of Orosa-Nakpil, I hanged-out with some pozzies. E, BITCH, N, C, etc. We then decided to go to a club but ack... the line was too long. Fortunately for me, I'm a club VIP so I left them in line while I went inside for some A/C.
Inside I met up with friend and chit-chatted for a while. Saw some clubbing buddies as well. Then I got a txt message from someone who wants to meet up. What the hell, might as well meet some of them for the night, I don't want to disappoint my fans (yeah, aside from being ang snobby-bitch, I was feeling a little conceited that night).
I met up with the guy... my memory was kinda lost. 1) I don't know how he got my number and 2) I can't remember ever chatting with him from Facebook. I was not really in the mood for some lip-locking action so I played it cool. Sweaty-steamy sex is good but making out in a pawis-ang-kili-kili state is gross.
Oiliness is next to poverty folks.
Finally, the pozzies made it inside but E was not with them. I guess E was booked for the night.
One by one, the pozzies left. I then met up with old friends and a former fling. Most of them haven't seen me for quite sometime. It was nice seeing them again and they were happy that I was gaining weight. Yes... again... me... conceited.
It was already 630am. We had breakfast first. All of them looked banged up with too much alcohol while I maintain my sobriety. Yes.... zero alcohol that night.
I took a piss before we left Malate. Then... at broad daylight... this guy had a quick pass on me at the men's room. Oh well, might as well give him what he wants. We kissed briefly.
It was a so-so night.
On my way home, my mind fluttered way way back my old clubbing nights. I cut down of alcohol, smoking and my gimmicks which I think was a result not because of my poz status but of me growing old. But I am not saying buh-bye yet to the clubs just yet. I'm just finding better ways of spending my weekends like pigging-out, etc. In pursuit with better and finer things in life.
Which reminds me... since I've been more than 2 weeks sober... I want to go drinking at Barcino. Anyone? Please? A glass or two? :)
Since last week, good news just started pouring in. When it rains, it floods right?
1. Well to kick things off, a CD4 of 85 last Tuesday.
2. I had a number of interviews with good companies. I did great with company X unfortunately, my asking price is too high. I have my follow-up interview with company Y this Thursday.
3. I received a text message last night from a friend asking me if I am available this Saturday to "work" for them for an event (one of the biggest events in the Manila Gay Scene). This is the biggest break that I am waiting for.
4. I'm gaining more and more muscle weight. I look good in v-neck shirts now. I have pecs! I have arms! I have a nice ass! Teehee! 3 months of working out paid off. I still want to bulk up though.
5. Finally, my back-pay will be available next week.
I was unable to get enough sleep last night, excited to take my 2nd CD4 test. I think I dozed off around 2am while exchanging messages with Kofiboy.
I woke up around 7am. Still groggy and a little drugged with my EFV but I need to rush rush rush. CD4 tests were conducted until 10am only. I also need to prepare for a job interview somewhere in Bicutan.
Wish 1 granted.... no rain. I love the rain but I hate it when my shoes get wet.
I arrived around 9am. 3 pozzies were there already... no familiar pozzies in sight. Quick chit chats with Ate Ana. She said I was looking good, gained weight, and that someone was looking for me last week...
I was a little intrigued about the guy. Ate Ana said that the guy was about 5'4, cute... and a non-pozzie. She said that the guy asked for me. Hmmm... Who's this guy? SINO KA MAGPAKILALA KA.... I'm keeping a low profile these days about my poz status. Da who?!
Anyway... i got my test requests and went to the clinical lab. 4 vials of blood were extracted. 1 for CBC, 1 for CD4, 1 for VL and another one for... uhm... i forgot.
After the test, I went back to Ate Ana. Ate Shola arrived, it was her birthday. Ate Shola has been living with HIV for the past 18 or 19 years already.... and her boobies are still intact. Happy birthday Ate Shola!
I visited the lounge area and said hello to Ate Ellen and Roslyn. There were around 4 pozies at the lounge. Seems that it's a slow Tuesday at the Hills after all.
I left RITM before noon because I need to go to Bicutan for my job interview but then decided to cancel it. It will take me a combination of 5-6 jeep+trike+bus ride before I get there IF I get the job. I went to Jabi and had brunch instead.
It was 1pm. The test results will be out around 5ish. I can actually go home and rest but decided to stay around Alabang. I promised Papi that I will visit his new salon, promised to meet up with E as well.
Since I have time to spare, I watched The Killers... Ashton Kutcher is hawt!
After the movie, 2 pozzie friends called me up and asked me if I want to hitch a ride going to Papi's salon. We met up around 4pm and went to the salon.
The salon was simple yet fab. My friends left me there because they need to go meet up other pozies in Megamall. Papi was still on his way, and so was E. It was already 430pm so I called Ate Ana...
Lucky: Ate Ana!
Ate Ana: Ano yun?
Lucky: Ate Ana!!!
Ate Ana: Ano nga yun???
Lucky: ATE ANNNAAAA!!!!
Ate Ana: Congrats. It's now 85!
To celebrate... i got a foot spa and a pedicure... Then Papi and E arrived shortly. E and I left the salon around 7ish.
From 13 to 85. Well, it could actually be higher than 85 but I have no regrets whatsoever with my new number. Yes, I could have just stayed at home and lock myself up in the past 7 months. Yes, I could have stopped drinking and do a cold turkey on my ciggs. Yes, I could have started going back to the gym a little early.
But no.... i didn't. Why? Because I just don't want to. Call me stubborn but I'm just a normal person like anyone. And I don't want to make false promises of quitting and stopping all my vices in a blink of an eye. I'm cutting it down - alcohol, ciggs and gimmicks. But not all at once. At my own pace folks...
85 is my new number but 13 will always be there. A reminder that I just got lucky surviving with a CD4 of 13.
I was out with Kofiboy last Saturday. We had dinner at Som's.
First... about Som's.... not really that great. Pwede na if gutom ka... but it really lacks the authenticity of Thai cuisine. We ordered bagoong rice, red curry, pad thai and thai milk tea. While having dinner, I found out that Kofiboy stopped eating red meat.
Maselan... lol.
After Som's, we walked... yes... we walked.... from Som's to A.venue for some coffee. We passed by manang who lives in a push cart with her family and gave her our left overs.... chicken pad thai, shrimp pad thai, and the red curry. Good deed for the night. And no food goes to waste.
We had coffee from 10pm til 2am. Talked about our lives, about work, etc. Talked about people and bitched about them. Talked about past dates. Talked about our old promiscuous lives.
We decided to go for a walk... yes... we walked again... from A.venue to Ayala ave. It was a long walk. Passed by a group a trannies teasing us, a building fumigating (kofiboy... hindi sya fog), then finally to Ayala.
Another fun date with Kofiboy. I've been with a lot of friendly dates. You dine, have coffee, and just talk no-non-sense. I love love learning about other people's lives. I'm not chismosa... i'm just.... "socially concerned" about their twisted lives. LOL.
Every one is twisted in their own little way. Pozzie or non-pozzie.
If there's one thing that is constant, it's change. I am a true believer that people can actually change, about 75% of the time. Change does not happen overnight. Mistakes happen.
Change doesn't happen too often in my staid life, but when it does, watch out. The alterations are huge, as if a whole new world is opening up.
After learning about my HIV status, slowly, I have come across a period of change. Instead of being scared of the unknown, I look at it as a moment when I have an opportunity to look at my life and see what I want to make of it. It's now or never.
Even when I read my horoscope, it said I needed to remove any old baggage (physical and psychological) from my life to start anew. Of course, horoscopes are always right, especially when they tell you want you want to know.
And, that's exactly what I did. Gone were certain elements of my past that were hindering my future. It’s time for a fresh start and new beginnings.
If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world
There are songs which are irrevocably linked with joyous moments of our lives. Whether it’s a birth, a wedding, or a celebration of any sort, the combination of music and lyrics has a magical effect on our senses.
But, sometimes they’re bittersweet in their meaning.
Whenever this song comes on the radio, I keep my finger close to the button that changes the station. For those few minutes, my heart visits the past. I listen to the song for as long as I can stand, without breaking inside. As it plays, my mind begins to count the memories, hoping the good ones outnumber the bad.
Before the song ends, I press the button to change the channel. Inevitably, I need to finish the song before it finishes with me. And, I don’t want to hurt, anymore.
Let’s waste time Chasing cars Around our heads
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
For several years, I haven’t been able to listen to the song “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol because of its association of someone I know/knew. Whenever the first notes emitted from a speaker, I’d turn it off.
One day, I heard the song blaring from within a storefront at the mall. I couldn’t turn it off and I didn’t care. It was the first time I could hear the song without wanting to hope for a case of short-term deafness.
I had moved on and was in a happier place in my life. No longer did I associate the song with that someone I know/knew. I kept on walking at the mall, the florescent lighting shined in my face and I smiled because I knew it no longer affected me the way it did before. I moved on.
But... I think I am falling for another car crash. This time, I have my seat belt on. I learned from my past that I should take good care of myself and just enjoy the ride. No expectations. But reality is, my heart is stubborn.
After almost 4 months, Kofiboy and I met up for another coffee date. Kofiboy and I met last January, he was a newbie pozzie, someone who reads my blog, and someone smart that I can actually have an adult conversation with. We talked about work, the poz community, Greenbelt boys, workout plans, and our trip in the beach in June! I’m really excited to have one last hurrah at the beach before this freakishly hot summer ends.
After 2 hours of just talking about anything, Kofiboy and I decided to leave the coffee shop. He needs to go to work while I need to submit my clearance in our main office in Makati. He waited ‘til I get a cab, patted each other in the back and gave each other a quick hug, and bid our ‘see you soons.’ It was really great seeing you Kofiboy!
Got to Makati and submitted my papers. Finally I was done working on my clearance. According to payroll, I’ll get my pay-out in 4weeks. Won’t be getting heaps of cash but it’s enough to cover my expenses until the end of the year or so. I really don’t want to use it, I need to save it in case of emergency.
Was supposed to attend a big party last Friday night but decided not to. Was supposed to meet up with K and some other friends at the party but texted them that I won’t make it. Was tired, was not on the mood. And besides, I don’t want to get myself in a state of “giyang” at the party. I also promised E that I won’t attend the event.
Instead of partying and dancing, I went to McDonald’s. After which, I popped my pills and was on a state of grogginess on the way home. Took a long shower before hitting the sack.
Do you ever think, when you’re all alone All that we could be, where this thing could go Am I crazy or falling in love Is it really just another crush
Do you catch a breath, when I look at you Are you holding back, like the way I do Cause I’m trying, try to walk away But I know this crush ain’t going away, going away
This song plays in my head whenever I fall in crush. Sadly, it's on auto-repeat. It's chronic. It happens with almost anyone who gives me the slightest bit of attention… or money (lol).
I hope that he can see me more than just a friend. I have this chronic condition of befriending my crushies before asking them out on a date. I know, don't be friends with your prospects. But I just can't help it. A good relationship starts with two people being good friends. I know, I watch too much chick flicks. Oh well.
I was texting 46479 last night and told him about my little dilemma. He said that I should tell my crush and take the risk. I told him that I need time, that I need to plan it out first. The art of love is like the art of war... you first need to know your enemy, in this instance, my enemy is my crush.
"It is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will not be imperiled in a hundred battles; if you do not know your enemies but do know yourself, you will win one and lose one; if you do not know your enemies nor yourself, you will be imperiled in every single battle." - Sun Tzu, The Art Of War
I'm taking my time before I go to war. I don't want to get beaten, get hurt. Like what I said in my previous post, I'm not in a rush.
"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. You are the guy who'll decide where to go." - Dr. Seuss
I am not an easy way out kind of guy. I am not complicated either. I know that things don’t come easily to me, and that this is just my fate. My cards have been dealt; it’s up to me to know when to fold them, know when to hold them, know when to walk away and know when to win.
I’ve been single for more than 3 years. My friends’ would say that I am choosy when it comes to dating guys but for me, it’s finding a good enough candidate... and forcing it to happen. I go out on dates with minimal expectations, unfortunately, there’s no clear match just yet.
Yes, I whine about me being single but the truth is, I am not in a rush. And you absolutely cannot rush me; I take my time. I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve. I traveled the path of least resistance because I wanted to put an end to the endless barrage of questions.
In a way, I am self-sufficient. I am an entire person by myself.
I don’t know much about where my life is headed; I have ideas, dreams, and goals, but there is one thing I know is true. I’ll only find love when it is already a part of my life.
