If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world
There are songs which are irrevocably linked with joyous moments of our lives. Whether it’s a birth, a wedding, or a celebration of any sort, the combination of music and lyrics has a magical effect on our senses.
But, sometimes they’re bittersweet in their meaning.
Whenever this song comes on the radio, I keep my finger close to the button that changes the station. For those few minutes, my heart visits the past. I listen to the song for as long as I can stand, without breaking inside. As it plays, my mind begins to count the memories, hoping the good ones outnumber the bad.
Before the song ends, I press the button to change the channel. Inevitably, I need to finish the song before it finishes with me. And, I don’t want to hurt, anymore.
Let’s waste time Chasing cars Around our heads
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
For several years, I haven’t been able to listen to the song “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol because of its association of someone I know/knew. Whenever the first notes emitted from a speaker, I’d turn it off.
One day, I heard the song blaring from within a storefront at the mall. I couldn’t turn it off and I didn’t care. It was the first time I could hear the song without wanting to hope for a case of short-term deafness.
I had moved on and was in a happier place in my life. No longer did I associate the song with that someone I know/knew. I kept on walking at the mall, the florescent lighting shined in my face and I smiled because I knew it no longer affected me the way it did before. I moved on.
But... I think I am falling for another car crash. This time, I have my seat belt on. I learned from my past that I should take good care of myself and just enjoy the ride. No expectations. But reality is, my heart is stubborn.
After almost 4 months, Kofiboy and I met up for another coffee date. Kofiboy and I met last January, he was a newbie pozzie, someone who reads my blog, and someone smart that I can actually have an adult conversation with. We talked about work, the poz community, Greenbelt boys, workout plans, and our trip in the beach in June! I’m really excited to have one last hurrah at the beach before this freakishly hot summer ends.
After 2 hours of just talking about anything, Kofiboy and I decided to leave the coffee shop. He needs to go to work while I need to submit my clearance in our main office in Makati. He waited ‘til I get a cab, patted each other in the back and gave each other a quick hug, and bid our ‘see you soons.’ It was really great seeing you Kofiboy!
Got to Makati and submitted my papers. Finally I was done working on my clearance. According to payroll, I’ll get my pay-out in 4weeks. Won’t be getting heaps of cash but it’s enough to cover my expenses until the end of the year or so. I really don’t want to use it, I need to save it in case of emergency.
Was supposed to attend a big party last Friday night but decided not to. Was supposed to meet up with K and some other friends at the party but texted them that I won’t make it. Was tired, was not on the mood. And besides, I don’t want to get myself in a state of “giyang” at the party. I also promised E that I won’t attend the event.
Instead of partying and dancing, I went to McDonald’s. After which, I popped my pills and was on a state of grogginess on the way home. Took a long shower before hitting the sack.
Do you ever think, when you’re all alone All that we could be, where this thing could go Am I crazy or falling in love Is it really just another crush
Do you catch a breath, when I look at you Are you holding back, like the way I do Cause I’m trying, try to walk away But I know this crush ain’t going away, going away
This song plays in my head whenever I fall in crush. Sadly, it's on auto-repeat. It's chronic. It happens with almost anyone who gives me the slightest bit of attention… or money (lol).
I hope that he can see me more than just a friend. I have this chronic condition of befriending my crushies before asking them out on a date. I know, don't be friends with your prospects. But I just can't help it. A good relationship starts with two people being good friends. I know, I watch too much chick flicks. Oh well.
I was texting 46479 last night and told him about my little dilemma. He said that I should tell my crush and take the risk. I told him that I need time, that I need to plan it out first. The art of love is like the art of war... you first need to know your enemy, in this instance, my enemy is my crush.
"It is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will not be imperiled in a hundred battles; if you do not know your enemies but do know yourself, you will win one and lose one; if you do not know your enemies nor yourself, you will be imperiled in every single battle." - Sun Tzu, The Art Of War
I'm taking my time before I go to war. I don't want to get beaten, get hurt. Like what I said in my previous post, I'm not in a rush.
"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. You are the guy who'll decide where to go." - Dr. Seuss
I am not an easy way out kind of guy. I am not complicated either. I know that things don’t come easily to me, and that this is just my fate. My cards have been dealt; it’s up to me to know when to fold them, know when to hold them, know when to walk away and know when to win.
I’ve been single for more than 3 years. My friends’ would say that I am choosy when it comes to dating guys but for me, it’s finding a good enough candidate... and forcing it to happen. I go out on dates with minimal expectations, unfortunately, there’s no clear match just yet.
Yes, I whine about me being single but the truth is, I am not in a rush. And you absolutely cannot rush me; I take my time. I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve. I traveled the path of least resistance because I wanted to put an end to the endless barrage of questions.
In a way, I am self-sufficient. I am an entire person by myself.
I don’t know much about where my life is headed; I have ideas, dreams, and goals, but there is one thing I know is true. I’ll only find love when it is already a part of my life.
Currently, I live a monotonous life. I am tired. I am bored. It started way before I lost my job. It started way back.
As much as I try to escape monotony, I am in a way, trapped. I just can't do it right now... I need to get a new job before I can work on living a new life. I started looking for a new job weeks ago. I don’t want to go back in the call center industry where there is no much room for growth. I want to go travel. And live my life once more.
Sometimes I hope I could just leave everything behind and try to live a "normal" life, a better life.
But now, I face everything on my own. Sure, I have my friends and family, but I cannot burden them with my troubles. I can whine. But I don’t want to explode.
I look into the future, and I get scared. What will I be in the next five years? Where will I live? Where will I be working? Who will be my new friends? Will I be buff? Will I be fat? Will I have a partner? Will there be a cure?
Everything is unsure. All depends on how I would see things in time and that's what's scary. If someone asked me if I were happy, it would take me as much as a minute before I could reply. Right now, generally I am happy. I have my happy days and emo nights. All in all, I guess I'm just... coping. Adapting with the change. Doing the same things everyday is making my mind numb. And dumb. Lately, no one has ever told me I was smart. Or that I talk sense.
Anyone can predict my day. At this point, I cannot complain. I chose this life. I could've done something else. I could've chosen to go the other way. But I didn’t. In a way it was by choice and by a series of unfortunate of events that lead me to live a monotonous life.
In retrospect, my life was always unplanned. Every decision was almost made spontaneously. Everything was crazy. A crazy life is better than a monotonous life.
Requiring a lot of attention. When describing a person, high-maintenance usually means that the individual is emotionally needy or prone to over-dramatizing a situation to gain attention
I am not high maintenance!
What I think they mean (but can't put into words), is that I know what I want, I know what I like, and I know what works and what doesn't. That isn't being high maintenance, that's being practical. For years, I've whittled down the crap, and streamlined everything. That includes my morning routine and the way I run my life.
I just don't get it why people see me as someone who is Superficial, High Maintenance... and to add another adjective, a bitch.
People should start working on their vocabulary. Seriously.
There is no way to get rid you from my life. No one knows just yet. At this point, I know you’ll never leave me, I know; always promising, or threatening, that no matter where I go, or for how long, you’ll always be there. “I’m inside you,” you’ve whispered. I’ve cried behind closed doors, though I tell myself it has nothing to do with you. I don’t tell anyone you’re the reason I’m most often upset. I mask my pain; afraid of rapid fire questioning that will surely follow.
You never removed your ice cold grip from me, even when I sleep. You steal from me, and hurt me on purpose. I’m afraid of you, what you’ll do to me.
You’re my secret; dirty little and deep dark. I protect you, refusing to speak your name. I conceal your identity from those around me. You remind me, “No one will understand. You’ll be pigeonholed and stereotyped.” You pretend to have my best interests at heart, but I know you just want to keep me all to yourself. You’ll suffocate me.
"The best color in the whole world is the one that looks good on you." -Coco Chanel
It usually takes me an hour or so to prepare before going out of the house. I will pick 2-3 outfits before finally deciding on what to wear. It takes 5-10minutes to style my hair. I powder my nose a little (oiliness is next to poverty), I put on my kiehl's lipgloss/stain. I make sure that my fingernails are clipped and clean. I stare at the mirror, stare at my face, stare at my outfit, at my ass, twirl, then leave the house.
I make it a point that, at the very least, I look presentable. On days/nights that I go out with friends or out on a date, I make an effort to be more than just presentable. Even if the theme for the night just calls for a plain shirt and jeans ensemble, I accessorize. Sue me, I'm gay.
But I am not superficial.
Superficial means shallow, a no-brainer. I may be insensitive and a little out of touch with reality (aka eccentric), but I am not. Funny how some people can describe a person by just looking at them and tag them as superficial. Those people should get a dictionary and figure out what the word means first before using it. Kaloka.
Going back.... I was never gifted with good bone structures, high cheek bones, square jaw line, muscular built... I am not one of Belo's creations. I lost weight when I got sick last year. I remember weighing at 105lbs last September (I'm 5'7"). Then thanks to Nevi and Cotri, rashes spread all over my body. I had a bad case of sepderm in my face, dandruff, and hair fall, thanks to my low cd4. It's been 6 months since I got out of the hospital.... Now I'm at 120lbs, a little leaner. I'm 15lbs away from my target weight. The rash marks are almost gone. No more sepderm. No more danruff. No more hair fall.
When you look good, you feel good. When you feel good, your CD4 increases. When your CD4 increases, BONGGA!
It's been 6 months and I'm doing better. Was supposed to get my CD4 checked this May but they moved it to June. They want to check my new CD4 6-months after I started taking my anti-retrovirals. I have one more month to further boost it up. More gym time, more time with the pozies for some laughs, etc.
When people ask about my personality, I usually tell them that I am eccentric. I am not the typical, I am not that normal.. I am weird.
According to Wikipedia, there are eighteen distinctive characteristics that differentiate a healthy eccentric person from a regular person or someone who has a mental illness (although some may not always apply). The first five are in most people regarded as eccentric:
Nonconforming attitude (CHECK)
Creative (CHECK)
Intense Curiosity (aka Chismosa? LOL... CHECK)
Idealistic (hmmm.. slight CHECK)
Happy Obsession with a hobby or hobbies (CHECK)
Known very early in his childhood they were different from others (CHECK)
Highly intelligent (Promil Kid... CHECK)
Opinionated and outspoken (not sure about this one though... lol... CHECK)
Unusual living or eating habits (ay this one is not true to me)
Not interested in the opinions or company of others (not true, I love criticisms...)
Mischievous sense of humor (Uhmmmm.... hehehehe)
Single (DON'T RUB IT IN!)
Usually the eldest or an only child (Eldest... CHECK)
So based on this list, I got 17/18 which makes me a healthy eccentric pozzie boy.
I accept and love my eccentricity. It makes me a stronger person. Makes me adapt at unusual situations that our school system was unable to prepare us to handle and manage. It also helps me to get out of depression, out of sadness, out of slitting my wrist.
