Lucky 13

Quite often, people exalt their skills in a variety of things. Whether they’re good with numbers, at sports, or in the arts, they never stop talking about how good they are.

But, there is one skill I’ve never understood why people talk about: kissing.

How can a subjective skill be rated on by the individual doing the deed? Last time I remember, kissing is dependent on the POV of others.

Even if it is true, how does it happen? Not everyone is naturally talented (no matter what their over-inflated egos think). When dealing with kissing, could it be a matter of practice makes perfect: The more people you kiss, the better you are at it?

It’s not the same as people who talk about their sexual prowess. People can have lots of sex, but that means they’re whores, and nothing more. Kidding. Insert A into B. Remove A from B. Repeat. Kissing is much more complicated, with more calculations than a quadratic equation. Exponential limits even.

Of course, no one would ever admit to being a bad kisser. That’s lunacy.

So, whatever the answer (natural born talent, or smacking machine), all I have is one question: Can I get in on some practice?

I'm still alive folks. Sorry, no regular updates from me. Been BUSY with work. After work, I usually just go home and hit the sack. Weekends were usually spent at home in my bed. I have a no-laptop policy when I'm at home except today. I need to check some emails from my boss who was sick last week. My bandwidth will be stretched next week. Sige lang, stretch lang ng stretch.

Last night though, I went out. I decided that before the gates of hell open next week at work, I need to go out.

And when Lucky13 goes out.... it's gonna be epic!

My day started with me hitting the gym. It's been 3 weeks since I went to the gym. I'm gaining weight but the fat and muscle distribution is all over. Ack! Gym for two hours. Todo. After working out, I took a quick shower. While I was dressing up, I noticed how big I became. Well, I mean, big in terms of body mass. Haha. And if you want to ask about that thing under my pants, it's..... hahaha.

My friend texted me and was asking me to go out and celebrate his birthday. It's been a month since I saw most of my friends. What a perfect excuse to get drunk.

Another text message. It's from "HotDaddy."

I think everyone has a mental checklist of guys they want to have sex with. I have mine. It's like a pokemon list... a pokedex right? Gotta catch them all!

A ramp/tvc/print model - check!
A stage actor - check!
A director - check! (oh yes, but it's not like he offered me a B film before having sex. lol)
A band member - open
A married guy - check! In their bed. Hahaha.
An older guy - check! He's 15years older than I am.
A student - open
A barrista - open
A doctor - open

and yes... last night... HotDaddy!

I met HotDaddy in Makati last year. I was in Powerbooks. Spotted. Guy in his 30s, laidback, clean cut, eyeing me. It was like cat and mouse around Powerbooks. Then after 20 minutes, he sat beside me. Blah blah... eventually, we ended at SBC having coffee. He's a single dad of 2 kids. After that night, after exchanging numbers, I never heard from him again. The last text I got from him back then was that he's going to Australia for work.

And now, I think HotDaddy is back... and is lonely.

I met him at his pad in Makati. His kids are on vacation. We had dinner, HotDaddy knows how to cook. And then we sat at the sofa and had wine.

Wine.... makes me either emo... or horny.

Anyway, I'm skipping the details about my sexual encounter with HotDaddy. But it was sweet and nice and sensual.... and towards the end... it was very wild. I wonder if the neighbors heard our ooooohs and ahhhhhs.

He drove me to the club. He then told me that he's going back to the US for work. And that he doesn't want to miss the opportunity of seeing me again before he leaves. Awwwww.

He gave me a big long hug and a peck on the cheek. HotDaddy is sweet.

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At the club.. .same old same old. It was too crowded. Clubbing is not new to me. I've been around. Been there. Done that. Done that guy. Been in that hotspot. LOL. I saw old friends, friends who i haven't seen for the past 2-3-6 months!!!!

J, old crushie C, new crush N: "Lucky.... you look great! We miss you"
Lucky: Hugs J, Hugs C for 3 seconds, Hugs N for 5 seconds. Hehehe

J, E, K: "Ate, tumataba ka..."
Lucky: "2 weeks ko lang kayo kasama ha!?"
J: "Ok fine, healthy ka. Di ka mataba."

K: "OMG. I miss you. Di ka nagpapakita"
Lucky: "Busy with work."
K: "Fuck you"
Lucky: "Thank you."
*nice seeing you K.... hope to see E soon.

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I got home around 530am. Bought lugaw for breakfast. Showered and slept. Woke up at noon. Checked my phone for messages. One came from RunningMan. "Miss you," he said. I replied, "Sorry just woke up. Yeah miss you too."

Okay, a quick update about RunningMan.

1. I haven't told him about my status.
2. He's not relationship material.
3. He has no direction in his life.
4. A lot more....

One thing I told myself when getting into relationships is to avoid, as much as possible, people who has a lot of extra baggage. A person who, in a way, knows what he wants. Oh well. It is what it is.... :)

It’s been almost a year since I was diagnosed. Almost a year since I was hospitalized in the hospital. It’s been almost a year. A lot has changed. A lot. Not just because of my diagnosis, but because of life being mediocre. All in all… I can say that I am happy that I survived. That I am happy that I was blessed. That instead of moping around, I chose to live and be happy.

Happiness is a choice. Happiness is a decision. We choose to be sad, to be lonely, and to be apathetic. We choose ways how to be happy. We search for it. We succeed. We fail. That is how life puts us on a pedestal: Waiting for us to react on the tomatoes being thrown at us. Do we catch it or let it smash our faces? Regardless if one was diagnosed with HIV, with Cancer, or living a healthy life. Happiness is not something that just happens. You choose, you decide.

It’s been almost a year. Last night, I took step back and checked where my life is right now. Where am I going? What am I doing? I decided that I would like to take stock of what I have created and not created. What I have achieved and not achieved and what needs to be done. Am I at peace with myself? Am I ready to take on the world and seek new challenges? Am I.....am I......am I. Maybe I should not be thinking too hard and let the heart do the talking again....

I sometimes hide behind my smiles and silly gestures. I take quick glances while I think eyes cannot see and when I'm done, I turn away before those eyes catch me being me. Eyes and lips, they are like Medusa's stare turning simple things to stone like words that bruise emotion and crush the soul. Keeping things tucked away till they escape in ink upon my paper and then through my fingers via the machine in "0"'s and "1"'s. Yes sometimes, I want to scream so people will notice me for more than my stature and talents, to scream and let them know that I am living with the virus. Do not get me wrong. I already accepted the fact that I have HIV. I just wish that the social stigma will disappear.

Amid all the stings and joys of life, I asked myself, “Do I know who I truly am?” I think that it’s more important to know ones identity. It’s not a question of sexuality, of race, of social status. For me, it’s always a question of identity. The totality of oneself. A holistic approach and not just bits and pieces of one’s personality.

I am the sum of every year, every month, every day, every hour, every minute and every second of my own life. Each moment that I breathe is another moment to take in each blessing I received. Through my eyes, my mind takes pictures of everything I see. My ears hear and my mind records. I am the sum of everything that is around me. Life is what I’ve made of it but it’s also a part of the influence about me. My life is what I made it so far.

Through the trials of life, I want to stand strong and grow in stature that I must pass through the trials of fire that we all must pass through. I am not asking for more trials to walk through because I know that more hardships will come before me. But life always put me up on the pedestal. Without them, I cannot be shaped into a better man; my character cannot be made more solid. There is in each refiner's fire, a beauty that touches our lives. Each flame burns away the rough edges and when those fires are quenched I am left a different man. The fires burned away at each rough edge until what was left was, is a glimmer of shiny metal, that now shines above it all. Around me, the heat of flames has been quenched and the pains of the trial have been soothed. If I must pass through again, then I will be stronger still. For being stronger is the only choice that I have left.

But am I happy. In general, I am.

I often wonder what people are thinking, those that find out about me and those who just think they know about me. Do the people who just think they know about me act differently around me then those who know about me? Do those who think they know about me see me as a threat? I wonder how many people create instant assumptions about me without taking the time to get to know me.

Somewhere between here and there, there sits a bridge that once crossed is gone for good. . There isn't any middle ground between here and there. You're either here or there.

And yes, it’s been almost a year… and I’m still here.