Lucky 13

"For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you"
- Walt Whitman in Leaves of Grass

I found a quote that sums up my current state of being. I feel calm. I feel content. I feel at peace. You would struggle to rouse me to anger or bitterness. It's an unusual feeling, and for me, not a normal one.

"Clear and sweet is my soul... and clear and sweet is all that is not my soul"

That line also made me reflect on those that hate me too. I’m constantly trying to stop hating them back, those bastards who would want to see me dead, who would deny me my basic human rights. The drama queens. The hecklers. I'm leaving it to them to hate. They have their own issues.

In place of hate, I feel pity. Why? Because they're moths.

Why moths?

Did you ever hear why moths fly into candles?

Moths navigate by light. The sun, the moon, the stars. They mistake the candle on the table for a natural light source. But because it's static, their navigation gets confused, and they fly round and round it in circles, getting gradually closer and closer. These people who hate me are the same. They have misidentified something good and natural as being evil and malevolent. They say I am the enemy, that I have no value except as figures of hate. And so they take all their cues from me; react against everything I do. But I try to keep thriving, and keep growing. My light, my way of life, my candle on the table, keeps getting bigger and stronger and brighter. Inevitable, this attracts more and louder hate. The result? You can see it everyday in their actions and statements. Their desperation is growing. They're spinning faster and faster and louder and louder in decaying orbits of hate and vitriol. So I'm just waiting for them to run into the flames and burn up. It will happen. It's already happening. The more work we do to combat it, the sooner it will happen. Eventually, all their hatred will be suddenly extinguished, with a pfffft and a silent scream.

So no, I don't hate them. I pity them. I pity them for the fact that when that time comes, they will have to account for their hatred, have to admit that they were wrong. And they will feel an enormous emptiness. All that misplaced, misdirected hate and energy. I pity them, because they will have to judge themselves in whichever afterlife they think they are going to, in front of whichever icon they worship, and they will have to judge themselves. And they will find that they are lacking. That they have been needlessly, viciously cruel to people who did not offend, and who did not deserve it.

It started out as a fun and sweet night but ended with tantrums and hissy-fits. Good thing Banchetto was there to comfort me. I heart Banchetto.

Will be going to the Hills tomorrow to get my ARVs. Will meet up with ChemistGuy for lunch first then to the Hills. ChemistGuy is a new poz blogger. Seems that more and more pozzies are doing their own blogs. I think with Pinoy Poz Bloggers, we can share our stories, our sentiments, our eccentricity, our lives. We, like any other human being, still live a normal life.

E is sick. He's confined at the Hills. Will bring something, food, etc. I owe E a lot. He's one of those pozies who's been there for me during my first few months as a new pozzie.

So there... good night folks.

Last night I went out on a movie night with someone. We met up north, had Japanese for dinner, and went to the cinema house to watch Tina Fey and Steve Carell's movie, Date Night. Highly recommended. I love Tina Fey! Smart humor, full of adlibs and witty catch phrases. And to top it off, a topless Mark Wahlberg! It was a hillarious flick, might watch it again.

After the movie, I had 3 options, 3 places that I can go to that night. A party somewhere in QC with the vampires, alcohol binging at the Fort with some friends, and gay clubbing somewhere in the metro. I decided to go gay clubbing with a friend that I haven't seen for months!

I have lots of friends... the vampires, the becks, the straight ones, etc. And I try to balance my social life by fluttering from one circle to another.

We were a bit early... The music for me was too much... almost hard house. After an hour, I downed 2 bottles of alcohol already. Easy.... Need to rehydrate. Then came a fellow pozzie, Ate M. I texted him earlier, asking him if he's going out. He was trying to "avoid" me, not because he doesn't want to hang-out with me, but he wants me to lay low on my weekend gimmicks. Oh well, I am the black sheep of my poz circle, hard headed and stubborn.

Ate M was with his friends... MD, a doctor, who I find a little rough around the edges, semi-hot, a little shy. Then R, the chub guy. And then there was Star. Star and I were introduced last year but I guess he forgot who I was. He's the boy-next-door type.

My friend left early, good thing that Ate M and his friends where there... the night was young and I was in need of my weekly dose of clubbing.

People started to loosen up. MD was loosening up, he wasn't a snob after all. He was fun to hang out with. And hot. Hahaha. We hug every now and then. But I do know my limits in these situations. I don't take any step further than just being a good acquaintance. Not on first meet ups.

Later on that night, another poz came to the club with his friends. I was drunk and drugged already, decided that I need to rehydrate again. It's almost 5am. Need my sobriety back before I reach home.

**********************

I'll have my 2nd CD4 count on mid-May, right after the election. Do I worry much on my new CD4 count? Not really. But I do care. I started way low, a CD4 of 13. But life doesn't stop, the world continues to spin, and me just slacking at home won't make it better. I have my weekend getaways, and it's not really "weekly." I don't pull-out an all nighter like before. I make sure I have 8hrs of sleep at least. I monitor my alcohol levels. Etc.

I'm the daredevil but still cautious in a way. I work-out. I've been gaining weight. Building muscles. And slowly, trying to be a dumb blonde again. The pretty kid who can get away with almost everything. The guy who doesn't care much about what other people might say. I get criticized a lot of times. People are entitled with their opinions. But I don't get affected that much by how people reacts on every step that I take.

Living a life with HIV, what's "worse" than that. But in all honesty, I've never felt so alive.

I was walking at the resort last night, the sky was clear, lots of stars in the sky. I sat by the bench and lit a cigg. Maybe I'll see a shooting star tonight, then I'll make a wish. And if I do see one, and if I wish hard enough, it has to come true. The stubborn thought process of a child made me want it to come true because I believed it could.

Not being a child, anymore, I still wonder if the skies hold any promise.

***

I wish people would take a step back and exhale.
I wish people would listen, understand, and be more open minded.
I wish people would give into the possibility of living.
I wish people cared enough to ask, rather than stare and be judgmental.

I wish I knew what was on your mind.
I wish I knew why my life is the way it is.
I wish I could make you proud.
I wish you peace, love and happiness.

I wish for a cure.


***

I don't know if my wishes will ever come true. They say that if you let the world know about what you want, what you dream, what you wish for, that if you project these ideas in the universe, that in some way, somehow, they might all come true.

Risky Business

“I am no angel, I like it when you do that stuff to me...”
-Wynter Gordom, “Dirty Talk”

Being stuck at home ain’t fun at all. My activities are, but not limited to, working out 3x a week, practicing poi moves, watching reruns on cable and blogging. Was done updating my curriculum vitae, will start sending out my resume to companies. I need a job, something that I will excel at and will not bitch about. I don’t want a job at a BPO company. Total brain drain.

I went out with some friends last Friday at a low-end comedy/videoke bar. It was supposed to be a 1on1 date with a good friend, where I plan to dish out my poz status. My friend brought his soon-to-be partner and another friend of ours, i decided to postpone the big revelation. Sitting, drinking, watching the show bored me. At around 3ish, I left the bar and decided to go clubbing with another friend.

I love dancing. It makes me worry-less about life, and it’s a good form of exercise. The club was not as jam-packed as usual. Not that fire-hazardous.

Later on, K joined us. I met K months ago through E, but our conversations were just composed of small talks, heckles and punch lines. But this time, it was more than the usual bantering. First off, I officially revealed my blog identity to K. I’ve been slipping clues in my blogs and I know that K has been asking E about the identity of Lucky Trese. It’s not rocket science. Other topics that K and I talked about revolved around music, lovelife and twinks in heavy eyeliners. It was fun hanging out with K.

I went to McDonald’s, had 2 sausage+egg McMuffins, and large OJ. Got home around 7ish. Slept the whole day, went shopping and saw a cheap pair of blue faux leather shoes. Had dinner and went out again that night. That very dirty Saturday night.

It was sort of a reunion at the club. Hanged out with my first gay barkada, got drunk early (around 3ish), danced the night away. Then played the hookie role at the club.

I’m not the usual club predator, the club hookie. I go to the club, i dance, i get intoxicated, i socialize, i flirt a little, i tease. But I don’t play the hookie card that much. It’s been months since I had any action. It was last November when I hooked up with someone, a casual sleepover at his place. P has been wanting to hook-up with me for months, but being a new pozie made me a little hesitant about playing the Queen B role. E knew about my hesitations and frustrations.

But the combination of my antiretrovirals and alcohol put me in my hookie state. So i decided to play a little last Saturday night.

I saw a guy, about my height, fair skinned, borderline between lean and stocky, chinito. His body language suggests that he’s been wanting to meet me. He was across the room and kept giving me smirks and stares. Intimidating for some people but not for me. I stood beside him, slurred, danced and casually bumped into his arms. I then leaned at the rails and faced him then moved to the other railing. We were standing face to face and gave him a nod and a smile. Then snobbed him again.

The rules are for the other person to do the first move. That way, you’ll know if he likes you. You tease, you flirt, but you don’t give in. Those are MY rules. I can be aggressive but I like someone who can be aggressive with me.

After a couple of minutes, he approached me and introduced himself. The game is set.

His breathe smelled and tasted like vodka. He was about my height so making out was not that hard, I need not to tip-toe just to reach him. He then pulled me out of the club, to the dark 3rd floor stairway.

Sex? First let’s define sex. Sex for me involves someone being penetrated. I don’t consider hand jobs and fellatio as sex. There was no sex on the stairway. But there was a bit of this and that. There was a bit of thrill and a lot of risk involved. Oh well, when the cards were already dealt, all you need is to wait for the flop and the river to see if you can win the game of poker.

I gave him my name but not my number. That’s how I play the game. And I guess that’s how he wanted to end the deal as well. I went back to the club and pretended that nothing happened.

Am I back in the game? Was the dry spell lifted? I don’t know. A definite maybe.

My friends and I had breakfast and talked some more. A friend of mine noticed a certain glow in my face. I told them what happened but left out some details. You don’t have to dish out everything. You leave something for them to imagine. Even in my blogs, the whole story won’t be told.

“I am no angel...
I like it when you do that stuff to me...
I wanna do some dirty things to you tonight,
I wanna fight, all through the night, night, night.
I am no angel....”

How many bad dates do you have to go on before you find the love of your life? How many times do you have to purge before you can fit into that pair of pants for your friend's party on the weekend? How many? How much? How?

Yeah... been two weeks since I posted something in this blog. So let me give you a quick summary of the events that's been happening to me lately...

Gym Boy
I decided to go back to the gym. I have lots of time to spare these days so 3days/wk at the gym it is. Years ago, well, I am not exactly the buff type but I got those muscles in my arms, nice enough pecs, etc. I want to go back to that state + more. I told myself... i need to be hot. LOL. Oh, and healthy. The ARVs, one of its side effects, makes your muscle shrink. So rather than looking a bangkay, I need to go hit the gym.

I also enjoy running the treadmill. Running keeps my mind of things. I used to run 5km in 30minutes. Now I'm at 3km in 30minutes. I need to hit the 5km/30min mark. Hopefully by May, I'll join my best friend in one of those runs at the Fort.

I also need to increase my body weight. I'm only 52kg/115lbs. My target weight is 130-135lbs. With exercise, good diet and my protein shakes, I hope to hit my target weight by June.

Did I mention that I want to look hot again? Yes.... I want to be a little more superficial about myself. Hahaha. I plan to use my hotness to tease a bunch of people... be that almost perfect tease once again. I dared a friend of mine that within the year, I'll take my shirt off at a gay club. Be a gogo boy for a night perhaps. I know a couple of gogo boys... they might need another dancer in their group.

Career Check
I am reviewing my options once again. I'm currently a bum. I need a job. But not just any job like what I had. I saw some job openings that I want to get. Need to update my CV. I've been working for 6years already. I want to be somewhere between middle management to top management positions. And... a job in which I can really be happy and enjoy what I'm doing.

Summer Vacation
Was in Puerto Galera from Friday to Sunday. Helped out with the "Take the Test" project of E. Wasn't there the whole day but helped as much as I could. Got drunk every night, partied the night away with friends, with a pozie group at the beach, with guys who sandwiched me at the dancefloor. Never kissed nor played with a guy at Galera. I went to the beach to get my tan, to eat fresh sea foods, to see some eye candies while having a plate of rice, and to party at night.

Speaking of Sex....
My last sexcapade was in June 2009. It's now April 2010. I'm on a dry spell. I guess sex is not that appealing to me anymore. Being a poz was a factor for my sexless months, but I am searching for something more than just a casual hook-up. Or maybe I'm just saying it now... Maybe I'll have sex with someone tomorrow. Well... who knows really.

Preparing for my next CD4 count
I'll have my 2nd CD4 count around mid-May, after the national elections. E got a +100 after 6 months, Little J got a +70 after 4 months. Some got minuses. I know that my CD4 will be higher than 13... but how high? All I know is that whatever my CD4 is, I'll be happy about it.

Friends, Frenemies, Freaks
I still am in contact with my friends these days. The barkada drifted apart but we kept in touch. Some I missed a lot, some I don't. Some I found has trust issues with me, maybe his drug addiction burned his brain cells at a rapid phase.

As for new friends... Let's just say that I found one of them really close to my heart like my evil twin sister. And almost every week, I find new ones. I'm no Miss Congeniality nor Miss Friendship though. I just like meeting new people and share my interests with them.

As for FREAKS... oh well... HAYUP KAYO! LOL. One freak just tick my nerves. I applied the rule of civility to this guy but never will you find me making beso with him again. May pera ako, gusto mo sampalin kita... ng barya sa mukha...

That's about it. I'm keeping myself busy and pretty these days. A superficial bitch. A topless tease. A lucky bastard. Fierce not fears.

I know right? :p

I guess everyone knows the story of Peter Pan.... The twink who flutters and flies, wearing green skinny tights, and who doesn't want to grow up.

GROW UP WILL YOU!

Sometimes, it's okay to be childish, to be playful, to be a kid. BUT.... do understand that reality is not as simple as child's play. Oh, another thing....

STOP IT WITH ALL THE DRAMA!

I mean, seriously, what's with the drama? I had my shares of shit in my life and I told myself to suck it up, stand up, accept it and move on. Honey... there's no point if you'll just deny deny deny.

You might be wondering who Peter Pan is... well... actually... there are a lot of Peter Pans flying around in the metro. He might be a poz. He might be an old friend of mine. An office mate. Someone I just met. Or maybe... maybe... it's you?

Good thing though that I'm not a part of any of these dramas around me. I had more personal concerns to deal with. I don't have the energy nor time to get myself involved with. I stay neutral. I stay as far away from the battlefield. I don't want to get in the crossfire. I'll just ask little Tinkerbell for updates.

After a whirlwind of unforeseen and unfortunate events last week, the weekend finally came!

Friday was a slow one. I went out with my straight friend, the magician, at a straight bar.... Feels very Sixth Sense to me.... "I see straight people." Ladies grinding and gyrating to hip-hop tunes. This could've been my life if I was straight.... buti na lang bakla ako.

Saturday is movie night with friends. I met up with a newbie poz, Fish, first before watching Alice. We decided to have din din at Makati. I had a feeling that B.I.T.C.H. was in the area so I texted him. The one-on-one dinner with Fish became a 6-pack full of pozies at Greenbelt. Me, Fish, B.I.T.C.H., Leather Boy, Ivy (poz23) and Ati (the infamous eldest pusit of B.I.T.C.H.).

After dinner with the pozies, I met up with my friend to watch Alice. It was a great film IMHO. I'm not sure why some people kept on giving bad criticisms to the film. You just need to enjoy it. I love love the red queen! And I love my fat boys too!

After the movie, we went clubbing in Malate. Most of my friends were there. A lot of cute guys pero I'm a goody goody last night. Just had 3 bottles of beer that night. Goody goody mode. I left my friends in Malate around 5am. Got home around 630am, had breakfast, and slept.

Been sleeping the whole day last Sunday. Fun Fun Fun!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

I am friendly. No seriously. I am. But let me tell you another thing... There is a difference between being friendly and being friends.

I always have my moments of insecurity. I think it is normal. I was never gifted with good skin, good physique, etc. I don't believe in good genes. Everything is hardwork.

This afternoon, I made my trip to RITM. I need to get my CBC and ask the doctor if I need to change ARVs. I am not sure where my fatigue was coming from – heat exhaustion or from my ARV. I have my 8-10 hours of sleep, I have cut down on my gimmick, I am not spending the wee hours partying anymore. Well maybe last Valentine weekend I had 2 straight nights clubbing and all but based on my body clock, I really just had a couple of extra hours past my usual bed time.

New Boy

Last Sunday was Valentines Day. And because I’m single, there was nothing waiting for me. Tradition, I guess.

Valentine’s Day is a day like any other but the whole point of it is to enjoy it with someone you love. I have a hard time finding someone to spend my days with someone I like, but that’s another story.

No cards, flowers, chocolates, or romantic dinners/walks/etc., but it’s not like I’ve had that in years past. I’ll partake in the day like everyone else who is single. It’s not like I haven’t done it for over +20 years. Maybe that can be my tradition, be single every 14th of February.

There are times where I feel the need to be comforted and a pillow won’t do. It’s not because I’m lonely. It’s because I want to feel the comfort and the warmth of another body. I need someone beside me, to cuddle with me.

Just to have somebody there, with an arm around me, or with my arm around them, feeling their faint breath on my neck, or mine in their hair.

But, there’s nobody here. There’s nobody to cuddle with.

So, I guess it’s back to my pillow.