In 3 weeks, I'm off to the US for another business trip. My previous trip lasted for 3 weeks, this time, I'll be in the states for about 6-8 weeks.
At least I won't be in the scorching heat here in Pinas. I just hope I don't get sick during my stay in the US. I'll visit RITM before I leave to get my ARVs and get some prophylaxis and prescription on common meds just in case I catch a flu or infection. Some antibiotics, antibacterial and prophylaxis.
I'll miss by hubby. He'll be celebrating his birthday next month and I won't be here. I'm glad that at this point in our relationship, he now understands the nature of my work. That's a big plus in our relationship.
Before I fly to the US, I'll probably go to the beach with hubby. We were supposed to go to Gaylera last Holy Week but opted to stay home and ate halo-halo.
You had your chance, you blew it Out of sight, out of mind Shut your mouth, I just can't take it Again and again and again and again
Last Thursday, I went to the Hills to get my ARV refill. Bought Tiramisu for the staff, chatted with Ate Let about PhilHealth and talked to Ate Ana. When Ate Ana pulled out my folder, she said... "Undetectable ka na pala, yung results ng Viral Load mo nung December."
Great news indeed.
HIV viral load tests are reported as the number of HIV copies in a milliliter (copies/mL) of blood. If the viral load measurement is high, it indicates that HIV is reproducing and that the disease will likely progress faster than if the viral load is low. During treatment and monitoring, a high viral load can be anywhere from 5,000 to 10,000 copies/mL. Initial, untreated, and uncontrolled HIV viral loads can range as high as one million or more copies/mL. A low viral load is usually between 40 to 500 copies/mL, depending on the type of test used. This result indicates that HIV is not actively reproducing and that the risk of disease progression is low.
A viral load result that reads “undetectable” does not mean that you are cured. It may mean that either the HIV RNA is not present in your blood at the time of testing or that the level of HIV RNA is below the threshold needed for detection.
Change in viral load is also a very important measurement. A rising count indicates either that the infection is getting worse or that you have developed resistance to the drugs that are being used for therapy, while a falling count indicates improvement and suppression of the HIV infection.
My point is... CD4 is not the only measurement that pozzies should focus on. You have to monitor your health (in general), your attitude, your SGPT, your Viral Load, etc.
But since you been gone I can breathe for the first time I'm so movin' on, yeah, yeah Thanks to you, now I get, I get what I want
I am not cured, I know that. I am still a pozzie. But with my undetectable viral load, I just can't stop smiling. I know that you are not gone.... but I have definitely moved on. Cheers!
I had my CD4 count last Thursday. Was supposed to have it mid-December but I decided to have my CD4 test earlier. Dami activities this December, hence, puyatan.
So before the puyatan begins, better get my CD4 na. Well, I've been working on graveyard shift for the past 2 weeks and I'm sure medyo bumaba ang count ko. Anyway... I don't want to cheat on my CD4 count. Ayoko mandaya. So after work, I met up with Doraemon in Ayala. Doraemon will also make sabay for his CD4 count. Both of us dead tired from our shifts. Punyeta. Minus 50 CD4 I'm sure. He also needs to get the rashes in his back and chest checked.
We were early at the hills. Shola was there, naka push-up bra pa ang lola mo. Imagine... big boobs na naka push-up bra. NAKAKALUNOD. Yung pic dito... yes... that is Shol
a's boobs! A new pozzie was there and an echuserang pozzie. I called Ate Ana and she said she's on her way. So we waited and waited. Ate Ana then came, naka make-up ang lola mo. Biglang tingin sa akin and said... "Wag ka na magrereact!" I gave her a hug and a beso. Yes... Close. Hehehehe.
I was told to do fasting since it will be an annual PE
of some sort. Ate Ana asked if I ate something. I told her that I had coffee because I'm on GY. Pak. Di daw pwede. Kahit daw tubig bawal. Juskoh! So some of my tests will be rescheduled. All blood tests pwede but yung mga SGPT etc di pwede. Fine.
Urine. Viral Load (na kinukuhanan ako ng dugo pero N
EVER naman natetest). CD4. CBC. GT. Xray.
I went to the Xray lab first. Doraemon and the others to the clinical lab. Echuserang Poz was standing in the window when a local (yes... local) asked if nakapila si Poz. Poz said, "Walang pila" to manong with a tone na sarap suplakin sa fez. So manong local asked if he already paid for the whatever test. Sabi ni Poz frog, "I don't need to pay."
Pak. HOY BAKLANG ECHUSERANG PALAKA. UMAYOS AYOS KA. I know, free tests natin. Pero do respect manong local. He's just asking and curious bakit yung chaka mong fez eh nasa window eh di ka bayad. Oo nga, free tayo but that doesn't mean that we are more privileged than those who pays for their tests. ECHUSERA KA. Suplakin ko fez mo eh. Tapos may eyes rolling ka pa. CHAKA MO GIRL. Di ka kagandahan.
Anyway... so... xray... then blood tests... 3 vials were taken. Then urine test.
Doraemon and I went back to Ate Ana and asked if Doraemon can go to derma for the consult. Shet. 2PM pa daw. So we went to the lounge and waited. Doraemon said na umuwi na daw ako kasi I have work pa and malayo pa ang mansion ko. Nahiya ako kay Doraemon, sabi ko i wanna stay. Pero.. di kinaya ng energy ko so I went home. I left him sa quarters para maka tulog sya.
Got home at around 2PM. Natulog. Nagising ng 3PM. Doraemon calling...
"Lumabas na yung result. 164 na CD4 mo."
"Yes! Ikaw. Musta?"
"I dropped from 300+ to 250. Will start na on ARV. And I have shingles"
Bittersweet news. Happy that my CD4 doubled, and im on 3-digits na. Partida puyat ako. But kay Doraemon... Haaaay. I wish he can pull-out a magic something on his pouch. Like a mahiwagang camote to make himself feel better. He was crying when he was telling me the news.
Good thing though that the YFL group was there. Thanks to Babes, Yogi and Kitty for talking to Doraemon. Salamat and you were there. Hugs!
Anyway... di na ako nakatulog. I told my boss na I can't come to work. Late na ako nakatulog kakaisip... what i need to do for myself para bumongga ang CD4 ko. So I came up with some sort of resolutions for myself.
I’m making 8 resolutions or shall I say 8 vows for 2011…
1. I vow not to waste my time on things that "seem important"
2. Having mentioned number one, I vow to spend my time on things that are important. (e.g family, work, my life's purpose and my health)
3. I vow to spend money only on things I really need and to take joy in simply looking at pretty things I don't need. But yeah, a little luxury won't hurt. Little lang promise.
4. I vow to take full responsibility for my face. Hence, I will only frown at things that really need frowning at and take time to consider things I never thought were worth smiling for.
5. I vow to internalize that success is a journey and not an end. Hence, now is not too early to declare that I am successful.. and that everyday is a chance to feel successful.
6. I vow to overlearn that happiness is not the moving bunny in a horse race nor the star at the top of your christmas tree nor feeling high at around 3am. Happiness is ..the muscles of your abs. (you may have not felt it yet but believe me, it's there- it's inside of you).
7. I vow not to commit to anything that doesn't give me a reason to wake up cheerfully the next morning...or noon...or afternoon... or evening....
8. Finally, I vow not to make a career of something just because I am good at it. It has to be something I am great at, something which I enjoy doing and something my life's experiences has prepared me to do. I’ve worked for a lot of companies and I realized that it is better if you really like the job and not just the salary that goes with it. Believe me, money is not everything. But yeah, money is important in a way. But... again.. it is not everything.
Wishing everyone good health, good life, good sex life. A healthy appetite ngayong holidays. And to Doraemon, better health!
I'm still alive folks. Sorry, no regular updates from me. Been BUSY with work. After work, I usually just go home and hit the sack. Weekends were usually spent at home in my bed. I have a no-laptop policy when I'm at home except today. I need to check some emails from my boss who was sick last week. My bandwidth will be stretched next week. Sige lang, stretch lang ng stretch.
Last night though, I went out. I decided that before the gates of hell open next week at work, I need to go out.
And when Lucky13 goes out.... it's gonna be epic!
My day started with me hitting the gym. It's been 3 weeks since I went to the gym. I'm gaining weight but the fat and muscle distribution is all over. Ack! Gym for two hours. Todo. After working out, I took a quick shower. While I was dressing up, I noticed how big I became. Well, I mean, big in terms of body mass. Haha. And if you want to ask about that thing under my pants, it's..... hahaha.
My friend texted me and was asking me to go out and celebrate his birthday. It's been a month since I saw most of my friends. What a perfect excuse to get drunk.
Another text message. It's from "HotDaddy."
I think everyone has a mental checklist of guys they want to have sex with. I have mine. It's like a pokemon list... a pokedex right? Gotta catch them all!
A ramp/tvc/print model - check! A stage actor - check! A director - check! (oh yes, but it's not like he offered me a B film before having sex. lol) A band member - open A married guy - check! In their bed. Hahaha. An older guy - check! He's 15years older than I am. A student - open A barrista - open A doctor - open
and yes... last night... HotDaddy!
I met HotDaddy in Makati last year. I was in Powerbooks. Spotted. Guy in his 30s, laidback, clean cut, eyeing me. It was like cat and mouse around Powerbooks. Then after 20 minutes, he sat beside me. Blah blah... eventually, we ended at SBC having coffee. He's a single dad of 2 kids. After that night, after exchanging numbers, I never heard from him again. The last text I got from him back then was that he's going to Australia for work.
And now, I think HotDaddy is back... and is lonely.
I met him at his pad in Makati. His kids are on vacation. We had dinner, HotDaddy knows how to cook. And then we sat at the sofa and had wine.
Wine.... makes me either emo... or horny.
Anyway, I'm skipping the details about my sexual encounter with HotDaddy. But it was sweet and nice and sensual.... and towards the end... it was very wild. I wonder if the neighbors heard our ooooohs and ahhhhhs.
He drove me to the club. He then told me that he's going back to the US for work. And that he doesn't want to miss the opportunity of seeing me again before he leaves. Awwwww.
He gave me a big long hug and a peck on the cheek. HotDaddy is sweet.
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At the club.. .same old same old. It was too crowded. Clubbing is not new to me. I've been around. Been there. Done that. Done that guy. Been in that hotspot. LOL. I saw old friends, friends who i haven't seen for the past 2-3-6 months!!!!
J, old crushie C, new crush N: "Lucky.... you look great! We miss you" Lucky: Hugs J, Hugs C for 3 seconds, Hugs N for 5 seconds. Hehehe
J, E, K: "Ate, tumataba ka..." Lucky: "2 weeks ko lang kayo kasama ha!?" J: "Ok fine, healthy ka. Di ka mataba."
K: "OMG. I miss you. Di ka nagpapakita" Lucky: "Busy with work." K: "Fuck you" Lucky: "Thank you." *nice seeing you K.... hope to see E soon.
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I got home around 530am. Bought lugaw for breakfast. Showered and slept. Woke up at noon. Checked my phone for messages. One came from RunningMan. "Miss you," he said. I replied, "Sorry just woke up. Yeah miss you too."
Okay, a quick update about RunningMan.
1. I haven't told him about my status. 2. He's not relationship material. 3. He has no direction in his life. 4. A lot more....
One thing I told myself when getting into relationships is to avoid, as much as possible, people who has a lot of extra baggage. A person who, in a way, knows what he wants. Oh well. It is what it is.... :)
It’s been almost a year since I was diagnosed. Almost a year since I was hospitalized in the hospital. It’s been almost a year. A lot has changed. A lot. Not just because of my diagnosis, but because of life being mediocre. All in all… I can say that I am happy that I survived. That I am happy that I was blessed. That instead of moping around, I chose to live and be happy.
Happiness is a choice. Happiness is a decision. We choose to be sad, to be lonely, and to be apathetic. We choose ways how to be happy. We search for it. We succeed. We fail. That is how life puts us on a pedestal: Waiting for us to react on the tomatoes being thrown at us. Do we catch it or let it smash our faces? Regardless if one was diagnosed with HIV, with Cancer, or living a healthy life. Happiness is not something that just happens. You choose, you decide.
It’s been almost a year. Last night, I took step back and checked where my life is right now. Where am I going? What am I doing? I decided that I would like to take stock of what I have created and not created. What I have achieved and not achieved and what needs to be done. Am I at peace with myself? Am I ready to take on the world and seek new challenges? Am I.....am I......am I. Maybe I should not be thinking too hard and let the heart do the talking again....
I sometimes hide behind my smiles and silly gestures. I take quick glances while I think eyes cannot see and when I'm done, I turn away before those eyes catch me being me. Eyes and lips, they are like Medusa's stare turning simple things to stone like words that bruise emotion and crush the soul. Keeping things tucked away till they escape in ink upon my paper and then through my fingers via the machine in "0"'s and "1"'s. Yes sometimes, I want to scream so people will notice me for more than my stature and talents, to scream and let them know that I am living with the virus. Do not get me wrong. I already accepted the fact that I have HIV. I just wish that the social stigma will disappear.
Amid all the stings and joys of life, I asked myself, “Do I know who I truly am?” I think that it’s more important to know ones identity. It’s not a question of sexuality, of race, of social status. For me, it’s always a question of identity. The totality of oneself. A holistic approach and not just bits and pieces of one’s personality.
I am the sum of every year, every month, every day, every hour, every minute and every second of my own life. Each moment that I breathe is another moment to take in each blessing I received. Through my eyes, my mind takes pictures of everything I see. My ears hear and my mind records. I am the sum of everything that is around me. Life is what I’ve made of it but it’s also a part of the influence about me. My life is what I made it so far.
Through the trials of life, I want to stand strong and grow in stature that I must pass through the trials of fire that we all must pass through. I am not asking for more trials to walk through because I know that more hardships will come before me. But life always put me up on the pedestal. Without them, I cannot be shaped into a better man; my character cannot be made more solid. There is in each refiner's fire, a beauty that touches our lives. Each flame burns away the rough edges and when those fires are quenched I am left a different man. The fires burned away at each rough edge until what was left was, is a glimmer of shiny metal, that now shines above it all. Around me, the heat of flames has been quenched and the pains of the trial have been soothed. If I must pass through again, then I will be stronger still. For being stronger is the only choice that I have left.
But am I happy. In general, I am.
I often wonder what people are thinking, those that find out about me and those who just think they know about me. Do the people who just think they know about me act differently around me then those who know about me? Do those who think they know about me see me as a threat? I wonder how many people create instant assumptions about me without taking the time to get to know me.
Somewhere between here and there, there sits a bridge that once crossed is gone for good. . There isn't any middle ground between here and there. You're either here or there.
And yes, it’s been almost a year… and I’m still here.
While some people are born beautiful, others get beauty thrust upon them in the way of hair, makeup, lighting, and a good photographer. Then, there’s me. No amount of good genes, thrusting, hair/makeup/lighting/photographer combo can make me into a cover model. A mowdel.
Seems like these days, everyone has their photos taken by professional and wannabe photographers. Anyway...
When dealing with my appearance, it takes a lot of effort just to look like me...
There’s the washing, scrubbing, shaving, exfoliating, moisturizing, tweezing, threading, squeezing, brushing, combing, and smoothing. And, that’s just a couple of things I do to my head. I won’t even describe what happens below the neck (although you can imagine).
There is so much work to be done and so little time to do it all. Lord knows I'll never be smokin' hot. Especially with what I have to deal with thanks to my HIV state.
But weeks ago, a pozzie friend saw me at the club.
"Ang kinis mo na! And you're getting leaner."
My rash marks are 95% gone, my skin is fairer, I'm almost 130lbs, and I feel much better. It's been almost a year since I was diagnosed. I look better than ever. I look... MAJOR MAJOR!
I think that this is my year. Better job. Better health. Better me! As for Running Man, better luck next time. I'm not gonna push through with him anymore. No progress. I may be the one with HIV, but he's more crippled than I am.
Running Man: I have this feeling that you had a promiscuous past.
Lucky: To be honest, yes. Add it up in my list... partee boy, bitch, and now... promiscuous
Running Man: I still don't mind... What's important is who you are today.... right?
Lucky: (kinilig)
I was a little promiscuous in the good old days. But my promiscuity to date... I guess... is slowing down. I have my limits. And I am not getting any younger.
...I once became someone's number 2. Without me knowing.
...I made out with my best friend. Not just once. Not twice. Not 3x. I think we did it 5x. In our defense, we were just under the influence of drugs. Both of us were mature enough to understand that it was just a kiss.
...I had sex with a married guy. In their bed. With their wedding picture in the night table.
Okay, okay... Too much information. I had... HAD... lived a promiscuous life. I want to take a "lighter" route. I'm not saying that I'll be one altar boy but I am putting a hiatus on my promiscuity. Need to prioritize on my health, relationship with people, my new work... and with Running Man. Yes. Running Man is on my list. Not equally important but still important.
Lalo na ngayon, tag-ulan. Ang daming palaka. At pagod na pagod na ako humalik sa mga palakang di naman nagiging prinsipe.
I am promiscuous... but like everyone else... I am fragile.
Running Man and I had our first official date last weekend. No expectations whatsoever. I did not considered our first meet up as a date since all we did was make out and get intoxicated.
We met up before 7pm in Makati, we were supposed to watch the 730pm screening of Inception but all the seats were already taken. We bought tickets for the 930pm screening instead. With hours to kill, we decided to get 1 round of drinks first, thinking that being tipsy while watching Inception would be really interesting.
We ordered our drinks and talked... yes.... we talked. That's what I value most when on a date. We exchanged stories, about our own lives, our friends, our family. Even talked about past relationships. They say that you shouldn't talk about your ex's on a date. In a gay guy's world, I think it's okay. Time flew and we got back to the movie house for the movie.
+Points... a guy who knows how to have good conversation without any drama...
He's a great movie buddy. We both like watching trailers. Hahaha. Then the movie started. He grabbed my right hand....
+Points... a guy who's not afraid to hold my hand in the cinema.
After the movie, he asked me if I want to come with him and meet his friends. His straight non-homophobic friends. He said he wants me to meet them.
+Points... a guy who let's me in into his world.
I usually do good around other people. I met his friends who were already drunk. Nice bunch of hags and stags. Had 3 shots of tequila in less than an hour. Hmmmm... is this sort of a right of passage? Hahaha. We transfered to a club to get some much needed dancing, still with his friends. At the club... still... more booze. I got more comfortable hanging out with his friends.
Every now and then, Running Man comes to my side and hugs me.
+Points... sweet!
One by one, his friends left. 5 of us stayed and finished our drinks. A number of people still dancing at the club. Running man and I had a small chit-chat, asking me if I had fun. I said yes and that I was glad that he invited me to meet and party with his friends. Then, he just kissed me.... IN A STRAIGHT CLUB.
++++++Points!!!
We left the club and had breakfast. After breakfast, he waited for me to get a cab. I wished that we can spend the morning together but both of us were tired and sleepy. A cab stopped in front of us. We said our goodbyes. Then he gave me a kiss on the lips.
++++++Points!!!
Got home and slept with a smile on my face. Such a sweet guy. A guy who's comfortable with his sexuality, who's not afraid to show how he feels. I then found out that I was the first guy that he kissed in front of his friends, the first guy that he kissed along the streets of Makati. He might be making bola but you know what, I don't care.
When I'm with him, I can be me. I can be loud, be playful, be a little bitch. I can be me. And that's big points for running man.
But the next question is.... will he still accept me and continue to see me when he finds out that I am HIV positive? Or will he live up with his pseudo name... will he run away?
Away from me or with me?
I haven't decided yet on when to tell him. So far, what we have is a little serious. We've been seeing each other for just about a week or so. It's still early and we're not rushing things. No sex yet, we haven't even talked about it. Don't know where we're heading. Again, no rush. Right now, we like each other. Not "just like" but "like" each other. You know?
Some people are happy being single. Some are not. Some are okay that they are single but they still long for that knight in shiny tiara. All all, I think no one wants to be alone.
Some people that I know, friends and frenemies, whine that there are few people out there that meet their standards, some complain about their relationship status in Facebook. One minute they want to be serious, the next minute, they go out on a hunt and fuck some random stranger.
In other words, they’re not lonely. They’re horny. They want to get off. It’s an endorphin rush. And when the rush dissipates, they’ll feel alone again. This cycle continues until, one day, they’ve turned 40 and are still alone.
I understand how they feel because I’ve been single for most of my life. What I don’t understand is thecomplaining. I know it’s hard, but I work at it and don’t sit on my ass waiting for things to happen.
You sometimes get lucky, you sometimes get rejected. If the shoe fits right? Keep on dating until you find someone who you like, change your criteria, or just shut the fuck up because no one wants to hear about your relationship status because there are many other people in the same situation. Like me.
It's okay if you go emo for a few minutes. It's normal for single gay guys. I have my moments. But do not make it a habit. Don't sound so desperate.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Running Man and I decided to have our first official date this weekend. It's a trial run. No major expectations whatsover. A date should be fun and hassle free. Sex free? Yeah... sex will have to wait. There is something really interesting about Running Man that I want to check out first. Let's see if the shoe fits :)
I was unable to get enough sleep last night, excited to take my 2nd CD4 test. I think I dozed off around 2am while exchanging messages with Kofiboy.
I woke up around 7am. Still groggy and a little drugged with my EFV but I need to rush rush rush. CD4 tests were conducted until 10am only. I also need to prepare for a job interview somewhere in Bicutan.
Wish 1 granted.... no rain. I love the rain but I hate it when my shoes get wet.
I arrived around 9am. 3 pozzies were there already... no familiar pozzies in sight. Quick chit chats with Ate Ana. She said I was looking good, gained weight, and that someone was looking for me last week...
I was a little intrigued about the guy. Ate Ana said that the guy was about 5'4, cute... and a non-pozzie. She said that the guy asked for me. Hmmm... Who's this guy? SINO KA MAGPAKILALA KA.... I'm keeping a low profile these days about my poz status. Da who?!
Anyway... i got my test requests and went to the clinical lab. 4 vials of blood were extracted. 1 for CBC, 1 for CD4, 1 for VL and another one for... uhm... i forgot.
After the test, I went back to Ate Ana. Ate Shola arrived, it was her birthday. Ate Shola has been living with HIV for the past 18 or 19 years already.... and her boobies are still intact. Happy birthday Ate Shola!
I visited the lounge area and said hello to Ate Ellen and Roslyn. There were around 4 pozies at the lounge. Seems that it's a slow Tuesday at the Hills after all.
I left RITM before noon because I need to go to Bicutan for my job interview but then decided to cancel it. It will take me a combination of 5-6 jeep+trike+bus ride before I get there IF I get the job. I went to Jabi and had brunch instead.
It was 1pm. The test results will be out around 5ish. I can actually go home and rest but decided to stay around Alabang. I promised Papi that I will visit his new salon, promised to meet up with E as well.
Since I have time to spare, I watched The Killers... Ashton Kutcher is hawt!
After the movie, 2 pozzie friends called me up and asked me if I want to hitch a ride going to Papi's salon. We met up around 4pm and went to the salon.
The salon was simple yet fab. My friends left me there because they need to go meet up other pozies in Megamall. Papi was still on his way, and so was E. It was already 430pm so I called Ate Ana...
Lucky: Ate Ana!
Ate Ana: Ano yun?
Lucky: Ate Ana!!!
Ate Ana: Ano nga yun???
Lucky: ATE ANNNAAAA!!!!
Ate Ana: Congrats. It's now 85!
To celebrate... i got a foot spa and a pedicure... Then Papi and E arrived shortly. E and I left the salon around 7ish.
From 13 to 85. Well, it could actually be higher than 85 but I have no regrets whatsoever with my new number. Yes, I could have just stayed at home and lock myself up in the past 7 months. Yes, I could have stopped drinking and do a cold turkey on my ciggs. Yes, I could have started going back to the gym a little early.
But no.... i didn't. Why? Because I just don't want to. Call me stubborn but I'm just a normal person like anyone. And I don't want to make false promises of quitting and stopping all my vices in a blink of an eye. I'm cutting it down - alcohol, ciggs and gimmicks. But not all at once. At my own pace folks...
85 is my new number but 13 will always be there. A reminder that I just got lucky surviving with a CD4 of 13.
If there's one thing that is constant, it's change. I am a true believer that people can actually change, about 75% of the time. Change does not happen overnight. Mistakes happen.
Change doesn't happen too often in my staid life, but when it does, watch out. The alterations are huge, as if a whole new world is opening up.
After learning about my HIV status, slowly, I have come across a period of change. Instead of being scared of the unknown, I look at it as a moment when I have an opportunity to look at my life and see what I want to make of it. It's now or never.
Even when I read my horoscope, it said I needed to remove any old baggage (physical and psychological) from my life to start anew. Of course, horoscopes are always right, especially when they tell you want you want to know.
And, that's exactly what I did. Gone were certain elements of my past that were hindering my future. It’s time for a fresh start and new beginnings.
There is no way to get rid you from my life. No one knows just yet. At this point, I know you’ll never leave me, I know; always promising, or threatening, that no matter where I go, or for how long, you’ll always be there. “I’m inside you,” you’ve whispered. I’ve cried behind closed doors, though I tell myself it has nothing to do with you. I don’t tell anyone you’re the reason I’m most often upset. I mask my pain; afraid of rapid fire questioning that will surely follow.
You never removed your ice cold grip from me, even when I sleep. You steal from me, and hurt me on purpose. I’m afraid of you, what you’ll do to me.
You’re my secret; dirty little and deep dark. I protect you, refusing to speak your name. I conceal your identity from those around me. You remind me, “No one will understand. You’ll be pigeonholed and stereotyped.” You pretend to have my best interests at heart, but I know you just want to keep me all to yourself. You’ll suffocate me.
"The best color in the whole world is the one that looks good on you." -Coco Chanel
It usually takes me an hour or so to prepare before going out of the house. I will pick 2-3 outfits before finally deciding on what to wear. It takes 5-10minutes to style my hair. I powder my nose a little (oiliness is next to poverty), I put on my kiehl's lipgloss/stain. I make sure that my fingernails are clipped and clean. I stare at the mirror, stare at my face, stare at my outfit, at my ass, twirl, then leave the house.
I make it a point that, at the very least, I look presentable. On days/nights that I go out with friends or out on a date, I make an effort to be more than just presentable. Even if the theme for the night just calls for a plain shirt and jeans ensemble, I accessorize. Sue me, I'm gay.
But I am not superficial.
Superficial means shallow, a no-brainer. I may be insensitive and a little out of touch with reality (aka eccentric), but I am not. Funny how some people can describe a person by just looking at them and tag them as superficial. Those people should get a dictionary and figure out what the word means first before using it. Kaloka.
Going back.... I was never gifted with good bone structures, high cheek bones, square jaw line, muscular built... I am not one of Belo's creations. I lost weight when I got sick last year. I remember weighing at 105lbs last September (I'm 5'7"). Then thanks to Nevi and Cotri, rashes spread all over my body. I had a bad case of sepderm in my face, dandruff, and hair fall, thanks to my low cd4. It's been 6 months since I got out of the hospital.... Now I'm at 120lbs, a little leaner. I'm 15lbs away from my target weight. The rash marks are almost gone. No more sepderm. No more danruff. No more hair fall.
When you look good, you feel good. When you feel good, your CD4 increases. When your CD4 increases, BONGGA!
It's been 6 months and I'm doing better. Was supposed to get my CD4 checked this May but they moved it to June. They want to check my new CD4 6-months after I started taking my anti-retrovirals. I have one more month to further boost it up. More gym time, more time with the pozies for some laughs, etc.
I have recently been chanting a mantra to myself whenever I‘m feeling a low and need a boost of self-esteem.
You deserve better. You deserve better than that. You deserve better. Period.
I know when things are down, they’re down for a reason. I have to hit the bottom to see the view towards the sky. Even if there are others who appear to have it all, I need to remind myself I deserve better, not more; a matter of quality over quantity.
If I lose something, I deserve to find something better. If I miss out on an opportunity, I deserve to get a better one. If someone leaves me, I deserve a better person in my life.
Why? I deserve better. I deserve better than that. Period.
It's been a month (more or less) since I met my poz circle, my poz friends. Lovet!
First it was Mami and Eric. Then IC, Little Jenny, and then I met G (Papi). Saw TGM but we were never re-introduced (met him 15 years ago). Then there's Leather Boy. Then M...
We then had our Christmas party where I met Yogi Bear and Avatar Aang. Then there's N...
A small group of people who hangs out every now and then. Just nice to know that we find common interests, likes, etc... aside from being pozies of course.
Mami, TGM and I came from the same school. Mami and I from the same building.
IC, I met long time ago in the club...
N and M were party boys so to speak...
G and I had common friends and frenemies... and we're sooooo upper east side.
N and I had someone in common...
Little J... is Little J :)
Yogi Bear and I had a lot of facebook mutual friends... ahaha!
E met a non-pozie friend of mine just recently...
So there....
We're not really an established support group with a list of officers, a well written mission and vision. We're just a group who likes to have fun, hang-out. Every now and then, we have add-ins in our gimmicks. Fun...
Been meeting more and more pozies... exponentially... sooner or later, my status as a pozie might be out in public. Someone might accidentally blurt out that I'm a pozie to some non-pozies. Hopefully not any time soon... Maybe towards the end of the year... I'm slowly psyching myself up that I will be an advocate of HIV awareness. We'll see... For now... all I wanna do is to have fun my poz friends and work on my health... oh yeah... and happiness :)
It’s been a week since I started taking Efavirenz and can I just say, my week long experience with this anti-retroviral has been pretty much amazing...
Efavirenz is to be taken once a day (every 24 hours), preferably before sleeping. Side effects includes dizziness, life-like dream states, raise in body temperature, etc.
Dizziness – I say it is tolerable. Usually kicks in on the first 2-3 hours. It’s not really dizziness but more on losing balance when walking or standing up. Light headedness, like after taking ecstacy or marijuana or ketamine. Manageable. My senses are floating on mid-air. In local drug addict terms – sabaw. Oh yes, I gotta feeling. A sabaw feeling. My body was already trained for light headedness, after my 2 years of substance use (ecstacy, MDMA, PCB, ketamine, marijuana and social intake of cocabout 0.75g of cocaine).
Body heat – The irritating side effect especially when I just want to fall asleep, or have an 8-hr straight sleep. I usually wake up every 3-4 hours because of the raised body temp. No body sweat involve. Just like having too many alcohol where you face, ears, chest, back, slowly raises temperature.
Dreams – On my first efavirenz, I dreamts of folding blankets of different colors, 3 dimensional reds, pinks and oranges. I know that I’m asleep, dreaming, controlling my dreams. But I cannot stop or just flip the page to the next scene.
Lately, my dreams were becoming almost a continuation of what happened during the time that I was awake. Sort of an epilogue but abstract. Last night, my dreams were sexual. 2 sex dreams.
The first one involves me having sex with…. I know that I was dreaming but at some point, I thought I was really having sex with him. The positions – from him being on top of me, then to us both sitting down face to face, then on missionary, sideways, flipping all over. My goodness… Oh yeah, I remember using rubber. Then what I love most is that we cuddled afterwards. Yes…. I love to cuddle. I woke up… still dry, but exhausted. Buti pa sa panaginip may nangyari na.
Then again another dream of me fooling around with two guys I haven’t met before. Not so familiar faces, probably saw them somewhere. The first part involves me watching them fool around, second part involves me joining them during foreplay. I can actually feel every touch. My goodness. Kung ganito lagi panaginip ko eh di masaya.
I woke up wondering why I dreamt of me having sex with….. we never really talked about doing it. I guess part of me is saying that I want to hold him close to me. Or maybe I just need to have sex, my goodness, it’s been almost 7 months since I had sex.
So going back to efavirenz…. It’s a great antri-retroviral. Manageable side effects. Parang amats lang, lutang ka na, sabaw pa, may kasama pang visuals.
The pozies had a small post Christmas soiree last Saturday. M and I decided to just join the rest of the gang during dinner since we already watched Avatar. I waited for M at the MRT station in Taft avenue.
I was wearing my Grimace inspired long sleeves polo and pin-striped shorts. My rashes stopped from spreading but left some dark marks in my arms and legs. M was wearing a Mano Po colored polo shirt. M looks nice in red.
We arrived at the Sky Garden around 630ish. Blair, Little Jenny and 2 other pozies were there. Had dinner at TOSH. My seafood marinara was sooooo bland. Everyone was laughing, sharing stories, having fun. We found out that night that Blair was was the image model of Marcella and Manuela. Hahaha. Ikaw na nga Blair! Ikaw na! Another pozie joined us. After dinner, we went to Agave for some drinks.
Everyone had margarita except for P and I. P had iced tea and I had my favorite poison – Absolut Kurrant with Tonic Water, on the rocks. Yum yum. I actually want red wine that night but Agave only serves their house wines.
Then one by one, every one dropped their ARV. Fun noh?
We left Agave around 130am. M, Little Jenny and I went to Malate to have ‘breakfast.’ We were supposed to go to BED but Little Jenny is carrying his purse with all his meds. The bouncers might not let him in. They might mistaken it as ecstacy pills. Sayang… it’s Little Jenny’s first time in Malate. Next time na lang.
We went to silya to eat (again). We then just walked around the streets of Nakpil and Orosa. M gave the much needed Malate tour being a Malate boy himself.
Then M’s rashes grew more and more. Nevirapine induced. He was on it for 3 days before the side effects kicked in… I hope you're doing better M. Just let me know if you need anything.
It was a great night. I guess we are our own support group. We need not to make it official and create a list of objectives and all that drama. The pozie group where you can just let loose, have fun, talk about “it” without feeling oh-so-depressed. It’s nice. Really nice.
South Africa's version of Sesame Street called Takalani Sesame is revelling in the popularity of its mustard-coloured furry Muppet, Kami, who is openly living in HIV.
Oh yes... Kami is a pozie.
Kami who is HIV-positive aims to counter stigma and discrimination through creating awareness and addressing fears and misconceptions about HIV. The introduction of Kami, which means “acceptance” in the South African language Setswana, is an effort by the South African government to bring to the fore issues related to HIV.
On the show, Kami is a five-year-old orphan whose mother died of AIDS. Part of her character’s role is to destigmatise those living with HIV, and to open discussion about sensitive issues including coping with illness and bereavement.
Kami's whole intention is that she lives positively despite the fact that she has this virus.
Since September 2002, Kami has helped dispel the culture of silence that prevents so many South Africans from seeking and receiving care for their illness. “Sometimes when you’re ill, you mustn’t keep it a secret, you must tell people,” Kami says in one episode.
Researchers at the University of California, Los Angeles, made a stunning announcement Monday: Stem cells can be engineered to kill HIV.
The results, published Monday in the online journal PLoS ONE, demonstrate that human stem cells can be engineered into the equivalent of a genetic vaccine.
We have demonstrated in this proof-of-principle study that this type of approach can be used to engineer the human immune system, particularly the T-cell response, to specifically target HIV-infected cells," lead investigator Scott Kitchen, assistant professor of medicine in the division of hematology and oncology at the Devid Geffen School of Medicine at UCLA, said in a release.
These studies lay the foundation for further therapeutic development that involves restoring damaged or defective immune responses toward a variety of viruses that cause chronic disease or even different types of tumors.
*This is good news. However, take note that the T cell "killing" of HIV infected cells was only shown in vitro and not in the mouse. The mouse did not have HIV. Good news that we can engineer T cells from stem cells to specifically kill HIV infected cells, but we need to show that these engineered T cells kill virus infected cells in vivo in organism that actually has HIV.Still, this is good news. There is progress :)
