Lucky 13

Running Man and I had our first official date last weekend. No expectations whatsoever. I did not considered our first meet up as a date since all we did was make out and get intoxicated.

Some people are happy being single. Some are not. Some are okay that they are single but they still long for that knight in shiny tiara. All all, I think no one wants to be alone.

Some people that I know, friends and frenemies, whine that there are few people out there that meet their standards, some complain about their relationship status in Facebook. One minute they want to be serious, the next minute, they go out on a hunt and fuck some random stranger.

In other words, they’re not lonely. They’re horny. They want to get off. It’s an endorphin rush. And when the rush dissipates, they’ll feel alone again. This cycle continues until, one day, they’ve turned 40 and are still alone.

I understand how they feel because I’ve been single for most of my life. What I don’t understand is the complaining. I know it’s hard, but I work at it and don’t sit on my ass waiting for things to happen.

You sometimes get lucky, you sometimes get rejected. If the shoe fits right? Keep on dating until you find someone who you like, change your criteria, or just shut the fuck up because no one wants to hear about your relationship status because there are many other people in the same situation. Like me.

It's okay if you go emo for a few minutes. It's normal for single gay guys. I have my moments. But do not make it a habit. Don't sound so desperate.


xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo


Running Man and I decided to have our first official date this weekend. It's a trial run. No major expectations whatsover. A date should be fun and hassle free. Sex free? Yeah... sex will have to wait. There is something really interesting about Running Man that I want to check out first. Let's see if the shoe fits :)

With a few more bum-days left, my schedule was packed with gimmicks, parties and last-hurrah-celebrations. Unfortunately, the gloomy weather was not very cooperative. But hell with the rain, a party won't be a party without Lucky making a big scene.

I attended an old friend's birthday party. As far as I know, my friend has two types of friends... the we-know-we-are-gay group and the di-ako-bakla-sino-bakla-pero-bottom-kami-lahat group. I belong to the fun side, the group who is comfortable to say "chorva" without flinching. I decided to wear some skinny, skimpy, and a little more fashion forward outfit just to irritate the peppercorns. It worked... and I can read it in their shallow thought-balloons (what is he wearing?). Seriously, plaid polo is too 90's these days. I rather wear a skirt than be caught wearing a table cloth.

Next... I plugged in my iPod to play handbag tunes. But this step failed. The peppercorns love love love Kylie Minogue and Agnes. Ikaw na ang pamintang nadurog!

Step 3... I have no problems staring at people and give them a condescending look. It makes them feel a little uncomfortable. My friend and I played the dumb blonde role as well. But they fought back with their own brand of conyo language. Unfortunately, their conyo slang lacks the true essence of a true conyo... Ang totoong conyo at sosyal, kahit tag-lish, correct ang grammar. Susmiyo... their style is more of jejeconyo.

At one point during the night, a familiar guy entered the party... un-glamorously drunk and kept on blurting "Bro, I'm drunk." He then had a quick chit-chat with his "bros" about some guy outing him out.

Sa lagay nyang yan di pa sya out? I know this guy, his exes, his past dates, his kalandian. Not sure why he was so shocked about the general gay public's knowledge of his sexuality.

Anyway... I got tired of "testing" them so I decided to chug vodka and get a few shots of tequila. I did not noticed that most of my friends already left the party. It's now me vs the peppercorns.

I then texted Running Man.

Running Man and I have been texting for almost a month. Haven't seen each other yet but I think we can really hit it off. I asked him to join me at the party. He arrived and I immediately gave him a shot or two of tequila. And then... we made out in the center of the room. PDA at its finest.

What was I thinking? Wiat... what's this guy's name again? Oh yeah, just enjoy the kiss bitch and make a big fuzz. Hmmmm... he smells nice.

After a minute or so making out. We laughed. End scene.

An hour or so, the guests left the hotel one by one. I asked my friend if Running Man and I can stay over til check-out time and he said yes. We were already in bed, cuddling, and ready to sleep til two friends came in and brought a half-empty bottle of tequilla. More shots? Oh shit.

I took the shot glass, took a slice of lemon, and took a pinch of salt... Now now... where to put the salt? In the shot glass (classic)? In the lemon (schuchal)? In Running Man's skin (weeeeeeeh)? My friend was shocked with the body shot. Running Man did the same thing to me. He was more adventurous than I am, he pulled my shirt up and put the salt in my nip area. Oh.Em.Gee. Yes... there was another show at 5am in the morning.

While my two friends were busy discussing their previous affairs, Running Man and I made out while laying in bed. Still with our clothes on. Medyo wholesome pa din since every now and then, we giggled while making out. Ang landi lang diba?

Finally, at 7am, my two friends decided to give the tequila shots a rest (kasi naubos na namin yung tequila). They went outside and found an empty sofa bed and slept. I locked the bedroom doors behind them.

(Bedroom scene deleted, no MTRCB rating yet)

So there... I made a big fuzz, a big scene at my friend's party.

It was fun, the beat was sick. Did Lucky took a ride on his disco stick?

So when's the next party you bitches? :p

It's been almost two weeks since I updated this blog. Been busy these past few days - meeting friends, working on my pre-employment requirements, partying and munching on anything within reach. For now I'll just write a quick update on what's been happening to me. I know you miss me... xoxo

Hired. After months of bum-ness, I finally got a job. It was not my dream job but I need to be practical and realistic. I don't want to burn my savings just bumming around. I just need to submit and finish my pre-employment requirements so I can start before this month ends. The position is very interesting. I asked X about how challenging the work would be and he said that it will be stressful yet will work on my advantage. In the past 6 years of working, regardless of what type of industry, I stay true to my expertise. With this new job, it will further enhance my skill set. I plan to be in middle management in the next 5 years. No more slacking off.

Friends. After I signed my employment contract, I met up with Kofiboy for dinner and coffee. It was sort of a double celebration since both of us will start on our new work this month. We had headed to Jalapeno in Home Depot for dinner then we had coffee at Starbucks. I then met up with X for some drinks then head home. I looked at my calendar and saw that I have less than 15 days of bumming around.

Day-Off. A day-off in my bum life consists of having a facial, a massage, a manicure, a pedicure and a haircut. Nice noh?

Birthday Pre-Planning. Months from now I'll be celebrating my twenty-xth birthday. I want a big celebration this time with all the glitz and glams and boys. A Mardi Gras weekend. Watch out watch out... the bitch is back! I need an escort though. Application ongoing.

So there... need to hit the sack. More updates to come. I'm back you bitches!

There are things that I am sorry about... the list grows... by one or a few items. Their importance and relevance range from the tiny to the titanic.

Some people carry the hurt with them while others carry on. With forgiveness come apologies. The cycle continues and this vicious cycle never ends. For now.... let me give a big shout out to those that I hurt in the past....

I am sorry...

Life is filled with journeys - metaphorically and literally - of seemingly limitless destinations and differing degrees of distances. Many of us, however, have eyes firmly set at the eventual point. the end of the line. For the past couple of months, I started to value the importance of waiting. The status of being in-between; neither at the point of origin nor the destination.

Nothing really happened. It was just life going on, I guess. A more timid pace.

It's funny how after a certain moment of conscious inactivity, life suddenly beckons despite the lack of initiation. The last couple of weeks have shown this. Not only have I been made to be more organized, to plan and to prioritize, but also to realize those things that I've been a while procrastinating about.

And that lies the simple reason and the important lesson I place in waiting. Nothing is valued so preciously in this life than for that thing which has been long pined for. After all, what kind of worth has something if handed on a silver platter and so easily attained.

---------------------------------------------

Last night I met up with X after my final interview with Company Y. I then found out that he works for company Y, that we have a handful of common friends, that we were both from the same province, etc. Like any other meet-ups that I had with newbie pozzies (bloggers and non-bloggers), I was quite excited to know his journey in the glitz and glamorous poz life.

We had a couple of drinks while dishing our own stories. It was a good 3 hour talk with X. We'll catch up again soon.. and yes... with booze!

I was at the 9th Malate White party last night and to be honest, it was my first Malate white party. It may not seem like it but I am actually a sort-of newbie clubber. I started going to clubs, events and parties just 4 years ago and... I was never a Malate boy. I was a Makati baby. Yeah there is a difference.... My "gay-ness" was not socially induced by the streets of Orosa and Nakpil, but with the lights and traffic of Makati. I only started my Malate night outs late last year.

Anyway, last night had a "palengke" atmosphere. There's the dry section, the wet section, the sariwa and the panis. The nagmamaganda, the maganda, the pa-pam-pam, the paminta (achoo), the addicts (sex and/or drug addicts that is). The fags, fag-hags and fag-stags. A number of familiar faces here and there.

I received a number of "EB" proposals that night. Most of them want to hook-up with me at the event, some wants to go drinking, a couple wants some hot-sex after the party. But after all the glitz and glamour and the basang kili-kili, I got to my usual snob-bitch mood.

After the performances at the corner of Orosa-Nakpil, I hanged-out with some pozzies. E, BITCH, N, C, etc. We then decided to go to a club but ack... the line was too long. Fortunately for me, I'm a club VIP so I left them in line while I went inside for some A/C.

Inside I met up with friend and chit-chatted for a while. Saw some clubbing buddies as well. Then I got a txt message from someone who wants to meet up. What the hell, might as well meet some of them for the night, I don't want to disappoint my fans (yeah, aside from being ang snobby-bitch, I was feeling a little conceited that night).

I met up with the guy... my memory was kinda lost. 1) I don't know how he got my number and 2) I can't remember ever chatting with him from Facebook. I was not really in the mood for some lip-locking action so I played it cool. Sweaty-steamy sex is good but making out in a pawis-ang-kili-kili state is gross.

Oiliness is next to poverty folks.

Finally, the pozzies made it inside but E was not with them. I guess E was booked for the night.

One by one, the pozzies left. I then met up with old friends and a former fling. Most of them haven't seen me for quite sometime. It was nice seeing them again and they were happy that I was gaining weight. Yes... again... me... conceited.

It was already 630am. We had breakfast first. All of them looked banged up with too much alcohol while I maintain my sobriety. Yes.... zero alcohol that night.

I took a piss before we left Malate. Then... at broad daylight... this guy had a quick pass on me at the men's room. Oh well, might as well give him what he wants. We kissed briefly.

It was a so-so night.

On my way home, my mind fluttered way way back my old clubbing nights. I cut down of alcohol, smoking and my gimmicks which I think was a result not because of my poz status but of me growing old. But I am not saying buh-bye yet to the clubs just yet. I'm just finding better ways of spending my weekends like pigging-out, etc. In pursuit with better and finer things in life.

Which reminds me... since I've been more than 2 weeks sober... I want to go drinking at Barcino. Anyone? Please? A glass or two? :)

Since last week, good news just started pouring in. When it rains, it floods right?

1. Well to kick things off, a CD4 of 85 last Tuesday.

2. I had a number of interviews with good companies. I did great with company X unfortunately, my asking price is too high. I have my follow-up interview with company Y this Thursday.

3. I received a text message last night from a friend asking me if I am available this Saturday to "work" for them for an event (one of the biggest events in the Manila Gay Scene). This is the biggest break that I am waiting for.

4. I'm gaining more and more muscle weight. I look good in v-neck shirts now. I have pecs! I have arms! I have a nice ass! Teehee! 3 months of working out paid off. I still want to bulk up though.

5. Finally, my back-pay will be available next week.

So there... some updates. See you around bitches!

I was unable to get enough sleep last night, excited to take my 2nd CD4 test. I think I dozed off around 2am while exchanging messages with Kofiboy.

I woke up around 7am. Still groggy and a little drugged with my EFV but I need to rush rush rush. CD4 tests were conducted until 10am only. I also need to prepare for a job interview somewhere in Bicutan.

Wish 1 granted.... no rain. I love the rain but I hate it when my shoes get wet.

I arrived around 9am. 3 pozzies were there already... no familiar pozzies in sight. Quick chit chats with Ate Ana. She said I was looking good, gained weight, and that someone was looking for me last week...

I was a little intrigued about the guy. Ate Ana said that the guy was about 5'4, cute... and a non-pozzie. She said that the guy asked for me. Hmmm... Who's this guy? SINO KA MAGPAKILALA KA.... I'm keeping a low profile these days about my poz status. Da who?!

Anyway... i got my test requests and went to the clinical lab. 4 vials of blood were extracted. 1 for CBC, 1 for CD4, 1 for VL and another one for... uhm... i forgot.

After the test, I went back to Ate Ana. Ate Shola arrived, it was her birthday. Ate Shola has been living with HIV for the past 18 or 19 years already.... and her boobies are still intact. Happy birthday Ate Shola!

I visited the lounge area and said hello to Ate Ellen and Roslyn. There were around 4 pozies at the lounge. Seems that it's a slow Tuesday at the Hills after all.

I left RITM before noon because I need to go to Bicutan for my job interview but then decided to cancel it. It will take me a combination of 5-6 jeep+trike+bus ride before I get there IF I get the job. I went to Jabi and had brunch instead.

It was 1pm. The test results will be out around 5ish. I can actually go home and rest but decided to stay around Alabang. I promised Papi that I will visit his new salon, promised to meet up with E as well.

Since I have time to spare, I watched The Killers... Ashton Kutcher is hawt!

After the movie, 2 pozzie friends called me up and asked me if I want to hitch a ride going to Papi's salon. We met up around 4pm and went to the salon.

The salon was simple yet fab. My friends left me there because they need to go meet up other pozies in Megamall. Papi was still on his way, and so was E. It was already 430pm so I called Ate Ana...


Lucky: Ate Ana!

Ate Ana: Ano yun?

Lucky: Ate Ana!!!

Ate Ana: Ano nga yun???

Lucky: ATE ANNNAAAA!!!!

Ate Ana: Congrats. It's now 85!


To celebrate... i got a foot spa and a pedicure... Then Papi and E arrived shortly. E and I left the salon around 7ish.

From 13 to 85. Well, it could actually be higher than 85 but I have no regrets whatsoever with my new number. Yes, I could have just stayed at home and lock myself up in the past 7 months. Yes, I could have stopped drinking and do a cold turkey on my ciggs. Yes, I could have started going back to the gym a little early.

But no.... i didn't. Why? Because I just don't want to. Call me stubborn but I'm just a normal person like anyone. And I don't want to make false promises of quitting and stopping all my vices in a blink of an eye. I'm cutting it down - alcohol, ciggs and gimmicks. But not all at once. At my own pace folks...

85 is my new number but 13 will always be there. A reminder that I just got lucky surviving with a CD4 of 13.

I was out with Kofiboy last Saturday. We had dinner at Som's.

First... about Som's.... not really that great. Pwede na if gutom ka... but it really lacks the authenticity of Thai cuisine. We ordered bagoong rice, red curry, pad thai and thai milk tea. While having dinner, I found out that Kofiboy stopped eating red meat.

Maselan... lol.

After Som's, we walked... yes... we walked.... from Som's to A.venue for some coffee. We passed by manang who lives in a push cart with her family and gave her our left overs.... chicken pad thai, shrimp pad thai, and the red curry. Good deed for the night. And no food goes to waste.

We had coffee from 10pm til 2am. Talked about our lives, about work, etc. Talked about people and bitched about them. Talked about past dates. Talked about our old promiscuous lives.

We decided to go for a walk... yes... we walked again... from A.venue to Ayala ave. It was a long walk. Passed by a group a trannies teasing us, a building fumigating (kofiboy... hindi sya fog), then finally to Ayala.

Another fun date with Kofiboy. I've been with a lot of friendly dates. You dine, have coffee, and just talk no-non-sense. I love love learning about other people's lives. I'm not chismosa... i'm just.... "socially concerned" about their twisted lives. LOL.

Every one is twisted in their own little way. Pozzie or non-pozzie.

If there's one thing that is constant, it's change. I am a true believer that people can actually change, about 75% of the time. Change does not happen overnight. Mistakes happen.

Change doesn't happen too often in my staid life, but when it does, watch out. The alterations are huge, as if a whole new world is opening up.

After learning about my HIV status, slowly, I have come across a period of change. Instead of being scared of the unknown, I look at it as a moment when I have an opportunity to look at my life and see what I want to make of it. It's now or never.

Even when I read my horoscope, it said I needed to remove any old baggage (physical and psychological) from my life to start anew. Of course, horoscopes are always right, especially when they tell you want you want to know.

And, that's exactly what I did. Gone were certain elements of my past that were hindering my future. It’s time for a fresh start and new beginnings.

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world

There are songs which are irrevocably linked with joyous moments of our lives. Whether it’s a birth, a wedding, or a celebration of any sort, the combination of music and lyrics has a magical effect on our senses.

But, sometimes they’re bittersweet in their meaning.

Whenever this song comes on the radio, I keep my finger close to the button that changes the station. For those few minutes, my heart visits the past. I listen to the song for as long as I can stand, without breaking inside. As it plays, my mind begins to count the memories, hoping the good ones outnumber the bad.

Before the song ends, I press the button to change the channel. Inevitably, I need to finish the song before it finishes with me. And, I don’t want to hurt, anymore.

Let’s waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

For several years, I haven’t been able to listen to the song “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol because of its association of someone I know/knew. Whenever the first notes emitted from a speaker, I’d turn it off.

One day, I heard the song blaring from within a storefront at the mall. I couldn’t turn it off and I didn’t care. It was the first time I could hear the song without wanting to hope for a case of short-term deafness.

I had moved on and was in a happier place in my life. No longer did I associate the song with that someone I know/knew. I kept on walking at the mall, the florescent lighting shined in my face and I smiled because I knew it no longer affected me the way it did before. I moved on.

But... I think I am falling for another car crash. This time, I have my seat belt on. I learned from my past that I should take good care of myself and just enjoy the ride. No expectations. But reality is, my heart is stubborn.

After almost 4 months, Kofiboy and I met up for another coffee date. Kofiboy and I met last January, he was a newbie pozzie, someone who reads my blog, and someone smart that I can actually have an adult conversation with. We talked about work, the poz community, Greenbelt boys, workout plans, and our trip in the beach in June! I’m really excited to have one last hurrah at the beach before this freakishly hot summer ends.

After 2 hours of just talking about anything, Kofiboy and I decided to leave the coffee shop. He needs to go to work while I need to submit my clearance in our main office in Makati. He waited ‘til I get a cab, patted each other in the back and gave each other a quick hug, and bid our ‘see you soons.’ It was really great seeing you Kofiboy!

Got to Makati and submitted my papers. Finally I was done working on my clearance. According to payroll, I’ll get my pay-out in 4weeks. Won’t be getting heaps of cash but it’s enough to cover my expenses until the end of the year or so. I really don’t want to use it, I need to save it in case of emergency.

Was supposed to attend a big party last Friday night but decided not to. Was supposed to meet up with K and some other friends at the party but texted them that I won’t make it. Was tired, was not on the mood. And besides, I don’t want to get myself in a state of “giyang” at the party. I also promised E that I won’t attend the event.

Instead of partying and dancing, I went to McDonald’s. After which, I popped my pills and was on a state of grogginess on the way home. Took a long shower before hitting the sack.

...i will dance!

Do you ever think, when you’re all alone
All that we could be, where this thing could go
Am I crazy or falling in love
Is it really just another crush

Do you catch a breath, when I look at you
Are you holding back, like the way I do
Cause I’m trying, try to walk away
But I know this crush ain’t going away, going away

This song plays in my head whenever I fall in crush. Sadly, it's on auto-repeat. It's chronic. It happens with almost anyone who gives me the slightest bit of attention… or money (lol).

I hope that he can see me more than just a friend. I have this chronic condition of befriending my crushies before asking them out on a date. I know, don't be friends with your prospects. But I just can't help it. A good relationship starts with two people being good friends. I know, I watch too much chick flicks. Oh well.

I was texting 46479 last night and told him about my little dilemma. He said that I should tell my crush and take the risk. I told him that I need time, that I need to plan it out first. The art of love is like the art of war... you first need to know your enemy, in this instance, my enemy is my crush.

"It is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will not be imperiled in a hundred battles; if you do not know your enemies but do know yourself, you will win one and lose one; if you do not know your enemies nor yourself, you will be imperiled in every single battle." - Sun Tzu, The Art Of War

I'm taking my time before I go to war. I don't want to get beaten, get hurt. Like what I said in my previous post, I'm not in a rush.

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. You are the guy who'll decide where to go." - Dr. Seuss


I am not an easy way out kind of guy. I am not complicated either. I know that things don’t come easily to me, and that this is just my fate. My cards have been dealt; it’s up to me to know when to fold them, know when to hold them, know when to walk away and know when to win.

I’ve been single for more than 3 years. My friends’ would say that I am choosy when it comes to dating guys but for me, it’s finding a good enough candidate... and forcing it to happen. I go out on dates with minimal expectations, unfortunately, there’s no clear match just yet.

Yes, I whine about me being single but the truth is, I am not in a rush. And you absolutely cannot rush me; I take my time. I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve. I traveled the path of least resistance because I wanted to put an end to the endless barrage of questions.

In a way, I am self-sufficient. I am an entire person by myself.

I don’t know much about where my life is headed; I have ideas, dreams, and goals, but there is one thing I know is true. I’ll only find love when it is already a part of my life.

Currently, I live a monotonous life. I am tired. I am bored. It started way before I lost my job. It started way back.

As much as I try to escape monotony, I am in a way, trapped. I just can't do it right now... I need to get a new job before I can work on living a new life. I started looking for a new job weeks ago. I don’t want to go back in the call center industry where there is no much room for growth. I want to go travel. And live my life once more.

Sometimes I hope I could just leave everything behind and try to live a "normal" life, a better life.

But now, I face everything on my own. Sure, I have my friends and family, but I cannot burden them with my troubles. I can whine. But I don’t want to explode.

I look into the future, and I get scared. What will I be in the next five years? Where will I live? Where will I be working? Who will be my new friends? Will I be buff? Will I be fat? Will I have a partner? Will there be a cure?

Everything is unsure. All depends on how I would see things in time and that's what's scary.
If someone asked me if I were happy, it would take me as much as a minute before I could reply. Right now, generally I am happy. I have my happy days and emo nights. All in all, I guess I'm just... coping. Adapting with the change. Doing the same things everyday is making my mind numb. And dumb. Lately, no one has ever told me I was smart. Or that I talk sense.

Anyone can predict my day. At this point, I cannot complain. I chose this life. I could've done something else. I could've chosen to go the other way. But I didn’t. In a way it was by choice and by a series of unfortunate of events that lead me to live a monotonous life.

In retrospect, my life was always unplanned. Every decision was almost made spontaneously. Everything was crazy. A crazy life is better than a monotonous life.

Out of the list of adjectives people use to describe me, the one that always bothers me (beside skinny) is when they say I'm high maintenance.

The Urban Dictionary defines "High Maintenance" as

Requiring a lot of attention. When describing a person, high-maintenance usually means that the individual is emotionally needy or prone to over-dramatizing a situation to gain attention

I am not high maintenance!

What I think they mean (but can't put into words), is that I know what I want, I know what I like, and I know what works and what doesn't. That isn't being high maintenance, that's being practical. For years, I've whittled down the crap, and streamlined everything. That includes my morning routine and the way I run my life.

I just don't get it why people see me as someone who is Superficial, High Maintenance... and to add another adjective, a bitch.

People should start working on their vocabulary. Seriously.

There is no way to get rid you from my life. No one knows just yet. At this point, I know you’ll never leave me, I know; always promising, or threatening, that no matter where I go, or for how long, you’ll always be there. “I’m inside you,” you’ve whispered. I’ve cried behind closed doors, though I tell myself it has nothing to do with you. I don’t tell anyone you’re the reason I’m most often upset. I mask my pain; afraid of rapid fire questioning that will surely follow.

You never removed your ice cold grip from me, even when I sleep. You steal from me, and hurt me on purpose. I’m afraid of you, what you’ll do to me.

You’re my secret; dirty little and deep dark. I protect you, refusing to speak your name. I conceal your identity from those around me. You remind me, “No one will understand. You’ll be pigeonholed and stereotyped.” You pretend to have my best interests at heart, but I know you just want to keep me all to yourself. You’ll suffocate me.

You're my secret. Dark and Twisty.

"The best color in the whole world is the one that looks good on you."
-Coco Chanel


It usually takes me an hour or so to prepare before going out of the house. I will pick 2-3 outfits before finally deciding on what to wear. It takes 5-10minutes to style my hair. I powder my nose a little (oiliness is next to poverty), I put on my kiehl's lipgloss/stain. I make sure that my fingernails are clipped and clean. I stare at the mirror, stare at my face, stare at my outfit, at my ass, twirl, then leave the house.

I make it a point that, at the very least, I look presentable. On days/nights that I go out with friends or out on a date, I make an effort to be more than just presentable. Even if the theme for the night just calls for a plain shirt and jeans ensemble, I accessorize. Sue me, I'm gay.

But I am not superficial.

Superficial means shallow, a no-brainer. I may be insensitive and a little out of touch with reality (aka eccentric), but I am not. Funny how some people can describe a person by just looking at them and tag them as superficial. Those people should get a dictionary and figure out what the word means first before using it. Kaloka.

Going back.... I was never gifted with good bone structures, high cheek bones, square jaw line, muscular built... I am not one of Belo's creations. I lost weight when I got sick last year. I remember weighing at 105lbs last September (I'm 5'7"). Then thanks to Nevi and Cotri, rashes spread all over my body. I had a bad case of sepderm in my face, dandruff, and hair fall, thanks to my low cd4. It's been 6 months since I got out of the hospital.... Now I'm at 120lbs, a little leaner. I'm 15lbs away from my target weight. The rash marks are almost gone. No more sepderm. No more danruff. No more hair fall.

When you look good, you feel good. When you feel good, your CD4 increases. When your CD4 increases, BONGGA!

It's been 6 months and I'm doing better. Was supposed to get my CD4 checked this May but they moved it to June. They want to check my new CD4 6-months after I started taking my anti-retrovirals. I have one more month to further boost it up. More gym time, more time with the pozies for some laughs, etc.

All is well... All is well...

When people ask about my personality, I usually tell them that I am eccentric. I am not the typical, I am not that normal.. I am weird.

According to Wikipedia, there are eighteen distinctive characteristics that differentiate a healthy eccentric person from a regular person or someone who has a mental illness (although some may not always apply). The first five are in most people regarded as eccentric:

• Nonconforming attitude (CHECK)
• Creative (CHECK)
• Intense Curiosity (aka Chismosa? LOL... CHECK)
• Idealistic (hmmm.. slight CHECK)
• Happy Obsession with a hobby or hobbies (CHECK)
• Known very early in his childhood they were different from others (CHECK)
  
• Highly intelligent (Promil Kid... CHECK)
• Opinionated and outspoken (not sure about this one though... lol... CHECK)
  
• Unusual living or eating habits (ay this one is not true to me)
  
• Not interested in the opinions or company of others (not true, I love criticisms...)
  
• Mischievous sense of humor (Uhmmmm.... hehehehe)
  
• Single (DON'T RUB IT IN!)
  
• Usually the eldest or an only child (Eldest... CHECK)

So based on this list, I got 17/18 which makes me a healthy eccentric pozzie boy.

I accept and love my eccentricity. It makes me a stronger person. Makes me adapt at unusual situations that our school system was unable to prepare us to handle and manage. It also helps me to get out of depression, out of sadness, out of slitting my wrist.

I sometimes wonder if it would be better to just suck at one thing, than simply be average. After all, if you are the worst, then you are effectively the best (at sucking at it). Which translates to a superlative, and not just a vague representation of the lumpy portion of a normal bell curve.

So.. are you in that lumpy portion, just plain mediocre, or have you skewed your own curve.

I woke up this morning with the sun shining up above, birds singing in the trees, and no clouds are floating in the heavens and, yet amongst this almost perfect day there sits trouble on my mind. It sits there nibbling away causing thoughts to dance and prance across their stage. At times, it makes me feel like my mind is caught up in some crazy little drama.

It’s days like this that make me want to lift my arms to the sky and fly away to another day.

I grow weary of these days when, everything seems uprooted by winds that push each day long. It seems to affect everyone and everything. Some days, it seems goodness is blown in on the winds, and then there are the other days, when life takes a turn for the worse.

It’s days like this that make me want to lift my arms to the sky and fly away to another day.

I want to bury my head in the sand and hide awhile amongst the grains, and still it may not be enough to thrust myself into hiding. Only bad things come from hiding. It’s better by far for me to send my stresses to the wind, than to let them get me to the point, that all I want to is scream until the walls crumble.

It’s days like this that make me want to lift my arms to the sky and fly away to another day...

...kaso pag labas ko kanina, inulan ako. Still... I lifted my arms to the sky and danced in the rain. Life is good!

I haven’t disclosed my poz status to my friends yet. I wasn’t ready, I need to be sure that when I disclose my status to some of them, that I won’t have any regrets. It’s not the possible stigma after the revelation that I was worried about. It’s not that I don’t trust them to keep my poz status confidential until I’m ready to really be out there and be an advocate. I was just not ready yet.

"For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you"
- Walt Whitman in Leaves of Grass

I found a quote that sums up my current state of being. I feel calm. I feel content. I feel at peace. You would struggle to rouse me to anger or bitterness. It's an unusual feeling, and for me, not a normal one.

"Clear and sweet is my soul... and clear and sweet is all that is not my soul"

That line also made me reflect on those that hate me too. I’m constantly trying to stop hating them back, those bastards who would want to see me dead, who would deny me my basic human rights. The drama queens. The hecklers. I'm leaving it to them to hate. They have their own issues.

In place of hate, I feel pity. Why? Because they're moths.

Why moths?

Did you ever hear why moths fly into candles?

Moths navigate by light. The sun, the moon, the stars. They mistake the candle on the table for a natural light source. But because it's static, their navigation gets confused, and they fly round and round it in circles, getting gradually closer and closer. These people who hate me are the same. They have misidentified something good and natural as being evil and malevolent. They say I am the enemy, that I have no value except as figures of hate. And so they take all their cues from me; react against everything I do. But I try to keep thriving, and keep growing. My light, my way of life, my candle on the table, keeps getting bigger and stronger and brighter. Inevitable, this attracts more and louder hate. The result? You can see it everyday in their actions and statements. Their desperation is growing. They're spinning faster and faster and louder and louder in decaying orbits of hate and vitriol. So I'm just waiting for them to run into the flames and burn up. It will happen. It's already happening. The more work we do to combat it, the sooner it will happen. Eventually, all their hatred will be suddenly extinguished, with a pfffft and a silent scream.

So no, I don't hate them. I pity them. I pity them for the fact that when that time comes, they will have to account for their hatred, have to admit that they were wrong. And they will feel an enormous emptiness. All that misplaced, misdirected hate and energy. I pity them, because they will have to judge themselves in whichever afterlife they think they are going to, in front of whichever icon they worship, and they will have to judge themselves. And they will find that they are lacking. That they have been needlessly, viciously cruel to people who did not offend, and who did not deserve it.

It started out as a fun and sweet night but ended with tantrums and hissy-fits. Good thing Banchetto was there to comfort me. I heart Banchetto.

Will be going to the Hills tomorrow to get my ARVs. Will meet up with ChemistGuy for lunch first then to the Hills. ChemistGuy is a new poz blogger. Seems that more and more pozzies are doing their own blogs. I think with Pinoy Poz Bloggers, we can share our stories, our sentiments, our eccentricity, our lives. We, like any other human being, still live a normal life.

E is sick. He's confined at the Hills. Will bring something, food, etc. I owe E a lot. He's one of those pozies who's been there for me during my first few months as a new pozzie.

So there... good night folks.

Last night I went out on a movie night with someone. We met up north, had Japanese for dinner, and went to the cinema house to watch Tina Fey and Steve Carell's movie, Date Night. Highly recommended. I love Tina Fey! Smart humor, full of adlibs and witty catch phrases. And to top it off, a topless Mark Wahlberg! It was a hillarious flick, might watch it again.

After the movie, I had 3 options, 3 places that I can go to that night. A party somewhere in QC with the vampires, alcohol binging at the Fort with some friends, and gay clubbing somewhere in the metro. I decided to go gay clubbing with a friend that I haven't seen for months!

I have lots of friends... the vampires, the becks, the straight ones, etc. And I try to balance my social life by fluttering from one circle to another.

We were a bit early... The music for me was too much... almost hard house. After an hour, I downed 2 bottles of alcohol already. Easy.... Need to rehydrate. Then came a fellow pozzie, Ate M. I texted him earlier, asking him if he's going out. He was trying to "avoid" me, not because he doesn't want to hang-out with me, but he wants me to lay low on my weekend gimmicks. Oh well, I am the black sheep of my poz circle, hard headed and stubborn.

Ate M was with his friends... MD, a doctor, who I find a little rough around the edges, semi-hot, a little shy. Then R, the chub guy. And then there was Star. Star and I were introduced last year but I guess he forgot who I was. He's the boy-next-door type.

My friend left early, good thing that Ate M and his friends where there... the night was young and I was in need of my weekly dose of clubbing.

People started to loosen up. MD was loosening up, he wasn't a snob after all. He was fun to hang out with. And hot. Hahaha. We hug every now and then. But I do know my limits in these situations. I don't take any step further than just being a good acquaintance. Not on first meet ups.

Later on that night, another poz came to the club with his friends. I was drunk and drugged already, decided that I need to rehydrate again. It's almost 5am. Need my sobriety back before I reach home.

**********************

I'll have my 2nd CD4 count on mid-May, right after the election. Do I worry much on my new CD4 count? Not really. But I do care. I started way low, a CD4 of 13. But life doesn't stop, the world continues to spin, and me just slacking at home won't make it better. I have my weekend getaways, and it's not really "weekly." I don't pull-out an all nighter like before. I make sure I have 8hrs of sleep at least. I monitor my alcohol levels. Etc.

I'm the daredevil but still cautious in a way. I work-out. I've been gaining weight. Building muscles. And slowly, trying to be a dumb blonde again. The pretty kid who can get away with almost everything. The guy who doesn't care much about what other people might say. I get criticized a lot of times. People are entitled with their opinions. But I don't get affected that much by how people reacts on every step that I take.

Living a life with HIV, what's "worse" than that. But in all honesty, I've never felt so alive.

I was walking at the resort last night, the sky was clear, lots of stars in the sky. I sat by the bench and lit a cigg. Maybe I'll see a shooting star tonight, then I'll make a wish. And if I do see one, and if I wish hard enough, it has to come true. The stubborn thought process of a child made me want it to come true because I believed it could.

Not being a child, anymore, I still wonder if the skies hold any promise.

***

I wish people would take a step back and exhale.
I wish people would listen, understand, and be more open minded.
I wish people would give into the possibility of living.
I wish people cared enough to ask, rather than stare and be judgmental.

I wish I knew what was on your mind.
I wish I knew why my life is the way it is.
I wish I could make you proud.
I wish you peace, love and happiness.

I wish for a cure.


***

I don't know if my wishes will ever come true. They say that if you let the world know about what you want, what you dream, what you wish for, that if you project these ideas in the universe, that in some way, somehow, they might all come true.

Risky Business

“I am no angel, I like it when you do that stuff to me...”
-Wynter Gordom, “Dirty Talk”

Being stuck at home ain’t fun at all. My activities are, but not limited to, working out 3x a week, practicing poi moves, watching reruns on cable and blogging. Was done updating my curriculum vitae, will start sending out my resume to companies. I need a job, something that I will excel at and will not bitch about. I don’t want a job at a BPO company. Total brain drain.

I went out with some friends last Friday at a low-end comedy/videoke bar. It was supposed to be a 1on1 date with a good friend, where I plan to dish out my poz status. My friend brought his soon-to-be partner and another friend of ours, i decided to postpone the big revelation. Sitting, drinking, watching the show bored me. At around 3ish, I left the bar and decided to go clubbing with another friend.

I love dancing. It makes me worry-less about life, and it’s a good form of exercise. The club was not as jam-packed as usual. Not that fire-hazardous.

Later on, K joined us. I met K months ago through E, but our conversations were just composed of small talks, heckles and punch lines. But this time, it was more than the usual bantering. First off, I officially revealed my blog identity to K. I’ve been slipping clues in my blogs and I know that K has been asking E about the identity of Lucky Trese. It’s not rocket science. Other topics that K and I talked about revolved around music, lovelife and twinks in heavy eyeliners. It was fun hanging out with K.

I went to McDonald’s, had 2 sausage+egg McMuffins, and large OJ. Got home around 7ish. Slept the whole day, went shopping and saw a cheap pair of blue faux leather shoes. Had dinner and went out again that night. That very dirty Saturday night.

It was sort of a reunion at the club. Hanged out with my first gay barkada, got drunk early (around 3ish), danced the night away. Then played the hookie role at the club.

I’m not the usual club predator, the club hookie. I go to the club, i dance, i get intoxicated, i socialize, i flirt a little, i tease. But I don’t play the hookie card that much. It’s been months since I had any action. It was last November when I hooked up with someone, a casual sleepover at his place. P has been wanting to hook-up with me for months, but being a new pozie made me a little hesitant about playing the Queen B role. E knew about my hesitations and frustrations.

But the combination of my antiretrovirals and alcohol put me in my hookie state. So i decided to play a little last Saturday night.

I saw a guy, about my height, fair skinned, borderline between lean and stocky, chinito. His body language suggests that he’s been wanting to meet me. He was across the room and kept giving me smirks and stares. Intimidating for some people but not for me. I stood beside him, slurred, danced and casually bumped into his arms. I then leaned at the rails and faced him then moved to the other railing. We were standing face to face and gave him a nod and a smile. Then snobbed him again.

The rules are for the other person to do the first move. That way, you’ll know if he likes you. You tease, you flirt, but you don’t give in. Those are MY rules. I can be aggressive but I like someone who can be aggressive with me.

After a couple of minutes, he approached me and introduced himself. The game is set.

His breathe smelled and tasted like vodka. He was about my height so making out was not that hard, I need not to tip-toe just to reach him. He then pulled me out of the club, to the dark 3rd floor stairway.

Sex? First let’s define sex. Sex for me involves someone being penetrated. I don’t consider hand jobs and fellatio as sex. There was no sex on the stairway. But there was a bit of this and that. There was a bit of thrill and a lot of risk involved. Oh well, when the cards were already dealt, all you need is to wait for the flop and the river to see if you can win the game of poker.

I gave him my name but not my number. That’s how I play the game. And I guess that’s how he wanted to end the deal as well. I went back to the club and pretended that nothing happened.

Am I back in the game? Was the dry spell lifted? I don’t know. A definite maybe.

My friends and I had breakfast and talked some more. A friend of mine noticed a certain glow in my face. I told them what happened but left out some details. You don’t have to dish out everything. You leave something for them to imagine. Even in my blogs, the whole story won’t be told.

“I am no angel...
I like it when you do that stuff to me...
I wanna do some dirty things to you tonight,
I wanna fight, all through the night, night, night.
I am no angel....”

How many bad dates do you have to go on before you find the love of your life? How many times do you have to purge before you can fit into that pair of pants for your friend's party on the weekend? How many? How much? How?

Yeah... been two weeks since I posted something in this blog. So let me give you a quick summary of the events that's been happening to me lately...

Gym Boy
I decided to go back to the gym. I have lots of time to spare these days so 3days/wk at the gym it is. Years ago, well, I am not exactly the buff type but I got those muscles in my arms, nice enough pecs, etc. I want to go back to that state + more. I told myself... i need to be hot. LOL. Oh, and healthy. The ARVs, one of its side effects, makes your muscle shrink. So rather than looking a bangkay, I need to go hit the gym.

I also enjoy running the treadmill. Running keeps my mind of things. I used to run 5km in 30minutes. Now I'm at 3km in 30minutes. I need to hit the 5km/30min mark. Hopefully by May, I'll join my best friend in one of those runs at the Fort.

I also need to increase my body weight. I'm only 52kg/115lbs. My target weight is 130-135lbs. With exercise, good diet and my protein shakes, I hope to hit my target weight by June.

Did I mention that I want to look hot again? Yes.... I want to be a little more superficial about myself. Hahaha. I plan to use my hotness to tease a bunch of people... be that almost perfect tease once again. I dared a friend of mine that within the year, I'll take my shirt off at a gay club. Be a gogo boy for a night perhaps. I know a couple of gogo boys... they might need another dancer in their group.

Career Check
I am reviewing my options once again. I'm currently a bum. I need a job. But not just any job like what I had. I saw some job openings that I want to get. Need to update my CV. I've been working for 6years already. I want to be somewhere between middle management to top management positions. And... a job in which I can really be happy and enjoy what I'm doing.

Summer Vacation
Was in Puerto Galera from Friday to Sunday. Helped out with the "Take the Test" project of E. Wasn't there the whole day but helped as much as I could. Got drunk every night, partied the night away with friends, with a pozie group at the beach, with guys who sandwiched me at the dancefloor. Never kissed nor played with a guy at Galera. I went to the beach to get my tan, to eat fresh sea foods, to see some eye candies while having a plate of rice, and to party at night.

Speaking of Sex....
My last sexcapade was in June 2009. It's now April 2010. I'm on a dry spell. I guess sex is not that appealing to me anymore. Being a poz was a factor for my sexless months, but I am searching for something more than just a casual hook-up. Or maybe I'm just saying it now... Maybe I'll have sex with someone tomorrow. Well... who knows really.

Preparing for my next CD4 count
I'll have my 2nd CD4 count around mid-May, after the national elections. E got a +100 after 6 months, Little J got a +70 after 4 months. Some got minuses. I know that my CD4 will be higher than 13... but how high? All I know is that whatever my CD4 is, I'll be happy about it.

Friends, Frenemies, Freaks
I still am in contact with my friends these days. The barkada drifted apart but we kept in touch. Some I missed a lot, some I don't. Some I found has trust issues with me, maybe his drug addiction burned his brain cells at a rapid phase.

As for new friends... Let's just say that I found one of them really close to my heart like my evil twin sister. And almost every week, I find new ones. I'm no Miss Congeniality nor Miss Friendship though. I just like meeting new people and share my interests with them.

As for FREAKS... oh well... HAYUP KAYO! LOL. One freak just tick my nerves. I applied the rule of civility to this guy but never will you find me making beso with him again. May pera ako, gusto mo sampalin kita... ng barya sa mukha...

That's about it. I'm keeping myself busy and pretty these days. A superficial bitch. A topless tease. A lucky bastard. Fierce not fears.

I know right? :p

I guess everyone knows the story of Peter Pan.... The twink who flutters and flies, wearing green skinny tights, and who doesn't want to grow up.

GROW UP WILL YOU!

Sometimes, it's okay to be childish, to be playful, to be a kid. BUT.... do understand that reality is not as simple as child's play. Oh, another thing....

STOP IT WITH ALL THE DRAMA!

I mean, seriously, what's with the drama? I had my shares of shit in my life and I told myself to suck it up, stand up, accept it and move on. Honey... there's no point if you'll just deny deny deny.

You might be wondering who Peter Pan is... well... actually... there are a lot of Peter Pans flying around in the metro. He might be a poz. He might be an old friend of mine. An office mate. Someone I just met. Or maybe... maybe... it's you?

Good thing though that I'm not a part of any of these dramas around me. I had more personal concerns to deal with. I don't have the energy nor time to get myself involved with. I stay neutral. I stay as far away from the battlefield. I don't want to get in the crossfire. I'll just ask little Tinkerbell for updates.

After a whirlwind of unforeseen and unfortunate events last week, the weekend finally came!

Friday was a slow one. I went out with my straight friend, the magician, at a straight bar.... Feels very Sixth Sense to me.... "I see straight people." Ladies grinding and gyrating to hip-hop tunes. This could've been my life if I was straight.... buti na lang bakla ako.

Saturday is movie night with friends. I met up with a newbie poz, Fish, first before watching Alice. We decided to have din din at Makati. I had a feeling that B.I.T.C.H. was in the area so I texted him. The one-on-one dinner with Fish became a 6-pack full of pozies at Greenbelt. Me, Fish, B.I.T.C.H., Leather Boy, Ivy (poz23) and Ati (the infamous eldest pusit of B.I.T.C.H.).

After dinner with the pozies, I met up with my friend to watch Alice. It was a great film IMHO. I'm not sure why some people kept on giving bad criticisms to the film. You just need to enjoy it. I love love the red queen! And I love my fat boys too!

After the movie, we went clubbing in Malate. Most of my friends were there. A lot of cute guys pero I'm a goody goody last night. Just had 3 bottles of beer that night. Goody goody mode. I left my friends in Malate around 5am. Got home around 630am, had breakfast, and slept.

Been sleeping the whole day last Sunday. Fun Fun Fun!

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I am friendly. No seriously. I am. But let me tell you another thing... There is a difference between being friendly and being friends.

I always have my moments of insecurity. I think it is normal. I was never gifted with good skin, good physique, etc. I don't believe in good genes. Everything is hardwork.

This afternoon, I made my trip to RITM. I need to get my CBC and ask the doctor if I need to change ARVs. I am not sure where my fatigue was coming from – heat exhaustion or from my ARV. I have my 8-10 hours of sleep, I have cut down on my gimmick, I am not spending the wee hours partying anymore. Well maybe last Valentine weekend I had 2 straight nights clubbing and all but based on my body clock, I really just had a couple of extra hours past my usual bed time.

New Boy

Last Sunday was Valentines Day. And because I’m single, there was nothing waiting for me. Tradition, I guess.

Valentine’s Day is a day like any other but the whole point of it is to enjoy it with someone you love. I have a hard time finding someone to spend my days with someone I like, but that’s another story.

No cards, flowers, chocolates, or romantic dinners/walks/etc., but it’s not like I’ve had that in years past. I’ll partake in the day like everyone else who is single. It’s not like I haven’t done it for over +20 years. Maybe that can be my tradition, be single every 14th of February.

There are times where I feel the need to be comforted and a pillow won’t do. It’s not because I’m lonely. It’s because I want to feel the comfort and the warmth of another body. I need someone beside me, to cuddle with me.

Just to have somebody there, with an arm around me, or with my arm around them, feeling their faint breath on my neck, or mine in their hair.

But, there’s nobody here. There’s nobody to cuddle with.

So, I guess it’s back to my pillow.

True, you can be in love any time of the year, but it seems Valentine’s Day is the one time of the year where you have to show it. And showing love entails spending money. Whoever says love is free does not work in the fields of advertising and marketing.

What about those who don’t have anyone to show anything to? They don’t get the chocolates and flowers, and dinner is probably out of the question. And, don’t even bother bringing up the topic of sex unless it involves your hand or an inanimate device that runs with an electrical current.

C’est l’amour, c’est la vie.

Sadly, it doesn’t happen to everyone. Or, can it? Does it matter what time of the year it is, or is it specifically-related to a date?