Lucky 13

Me: Fuck-off. I'm just a year older than you are, you brat.

Bes: Hahahaha! Huy, you look good ha!

Me: Yeah, need to gain a few more pounds though.

Bes: Huy, promise me ha. Be safe.

Me: Safe?

Bes: Yes. Be safe. A few friends of ours passed away already. I think it’s because of late HIV diagnosis. Remember “X” a couple of years ago, and “Y” last year. And just recently, “Z.”

Me: Yeah I know. Don’t worry bes. I’ll be safe. You don’t have to worry much about me. We still have a few more years. You know what, everything seems to get old na… like clubbing (trying to change the topic).

Bes: Oh yeah. Look at the crowd bes. OML (Oh My Lord). Kids.

Me: I know right.

I haven’t told my best friend about my status. He doesn’t need to know any time soon. All he needs to know is that I’m doing well, I’m healthy, I’m not a partee boy anymore, and my future is looking good. I got side tracked a few years back, but I'm back in my red ruby slippers walking the yellow brick road to Oz.

After a few more minutes, bes bid his goodbyes. We hugged and then left the club. After an hour or so, me and hubby left the club and went home.

The reason why I haven’t told my friends about my HIV status is because I am not ready yet. It will take a few more years I guess. HIV is a horrible disease. HIV is my new normal. My current state of mind is somewhat okay with my new normal and it took me some time before I fully accepted it. Michael Johnson has been the poster boy of HIV/AIDS but let me tell you this – Michael Johnson is a millionaire and he has full access to whatever he needs – private chefs, better meds, a nutritionist, stressless work. I am no Michael Johnson. I’m a working class hero. So yeah, living with HIV is a little difficult. What more if you’re a class E citizen? It is hard. But what keeps me sane these days is work and my relationships with people.

Anyhoo, another year older, another year wiser. Everything is looking good – career, relationships, health. But there is something missing, something that I just can’t put my finger on, something like butterflies in my stomach. Or maybe it’s just acid reflux.

Officemate: Marunong ka mag-make-up? Ikaw, nag-m-make-up ka ba?

Me: I sometimes use liquid foundation when I go out. Pero di naman yung parang foundation day ako. I have slight discoloration sa face and neck. Yun lang naman. I don't wear eyeliner, bronzer, lipstick. Di naman ako rarampa na maghahanap ng afam.

O: So you know how to put on make-up.

M: I know the basics. Turuan kita?

O: Tse.... pero sige nga, pano ba?

M: Clean your face, put a BB cream or liquid foundation. Dapat yung foundation is one shade darker or the same as your skin sa leeg. Apply sa face palabas hanggang sa neck. After putting cream, konting loose powder para mag-hold. Then you are good to go honey.

O: Bronzer marunong ka?

M: Di ako nagbro-bronzer. Pero if maglalagay ka, dab sa cheekbones and sa t-zone i think.

Officemate 2: Ikaw, bakit di ka nagdadamit babae?

Me: I prefer men's clothing.

O: Kita mo yung baklang yun na naka dress, ang chaka!

M: Di ko nga alam eh. Baka walang salamin sa bahay.

O: Loka-loka.

M: Teh, bakla man, nagkakamali din. Perfect example yung baklang yun. Kita mo nga yung paa, di man lang magpa-pedicure.

O: Bakla ka, pati yung paa nakita mo.

Officemate 1: Lucky, bakit ayaw mo mag-gym?

Me: I did before. Pero alam mo naman sa team natin, walang panahon.

O: Sayang, I saw your pics sa FB. Nalaglag panty ko.

M: I'll take that as a compliment. Pero teh, di ako pumapatol sa babae.

O: Dami nyong becky na pumuputok putok ang muscles. Sayang!!!!

M: So nalaglag din panty mo?

O: Pati matres ko nalaglag!!!

M: Ingat ka, baka kunin nila matres mo.

Hubby and I were talking about the adoption situation in their household. His Aunt wants to adopt a baby. He was asking for my opinion in the situation.

One of her Aunt's friends informed them about a newly born baby in a hospital who is up for adoption. The mother of the baby does not have the financial capacity to support the child. Her Aunt, after seeing the beautiful baby girl, had the good intentions of paying for the hospital bills and adopting the baby. Sounds good right? A good Samaritan. Her Aunt consulted them (her kids and hubby) about adopting the baby but towards the end of their conversation, her aunt told them that they should help out as well on taking care of the baby.

Hubby was "adopted" by her aunt. He lived with them as long as he could remember. So for hubby, it is paying it forward.

Anyway, cutting our discussion short, I told him that a baby is a responsibility and he should not pressure himself in saying yes to her Aunt. I advised him that the decision should come from her aunt, not from him nor from his cousins.

Eventually, her aunt decided to adopt the child.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Last Tuesday, I had a chat with my officemates over coffee. She saw the ring in my finger and asked me if I have any plans on getting married with my partner. She said that gay marriage is legal in Brazil where she lives. I told her that gay marriage in the Philippines is not yet legal and even if it is, I don't have any plans of getting married soon. Maybe sometime in the future, but not in the near future.

She then asked me if I have plans in adopting a kid.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

At my best friend's birthday party, his fiance opened the topic of adoption. He said that they talked about it and they have plans of adopting a kid in the future. He said that in their relationship, eventually, a kid will bring them together in full circle. He asked one of our friends and he said he has no plans. He then looked at me and asked me if I have plans. I took a long sip of red wine and just shook my head.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

I have my priorities set in the next couple of years - climb higher on the corporate ladder; get healthier; build stronger relationships with my family, friends, and with my partner; and, invest on something. Adopting a baby is not on my list yet. It's not because I'm afraid of responsibilities and commitment, but it's because I am not ready yet. And partly, it's because of my HIV status. Until they find a cure, my answer to adoption is no.

Last night I had a date with my hubby. It was our monthsary. We were supposed to watch a movie but there were no more tickets so we decided to go have a sing

-a-long challenge at Timezone. After 1.5 hours of singing ala Ate Regine and Mariah, we decided to have din din and then coffee.

Earlier that day, I messaged my friends and asked them to go out and meet up. My first group of gay friends. I also messaged a few pozzies to join us (Baby China and Little Jenny).

So... hubby went off to work, I waited for my friends at a coffee shop. After 1 hour of waiting, they arrived. Then... we went to Malate.

It was Malate's White Party. I was never a Malate baby. I'm a Makati girl. So the thought of partying in the streets of Malate is not my cup of tea. We decided to go to Bed.

So there, sort of a reunion with good friends. Saw familiar faces here and there that I haven't seen for months/years. Oo na, ang taba ko. Pero not really. I was 120lbs back then. I'm 130lbs now. So yeah, ang taba ko.

I drank. I smoke. Not exactly the model pozzie. But I told myself, this will be my cheat day.

I received an sms message from a newbie pozzie. He said he was in Bed as well. So we met up. Actually, he found me. We hugged and he said, in a slurry way, that I'm an inspiration. Hmmmm. Hahaha. I'm not good with compliments so I told him that he was just drunk.

Another sms message from a pozzie, Red. I met up with him outside of Bed.

At around 4ish, I told my friends that I'm going home. Back then, I'm usually the person who's drugged and wasted til 6am. Things changed. Time to go home. They said that they will go home as well. I was happy that all of us grew up from our old habits.

R: Kanino bang idea 'tong mag Malate? (Who's idea was it to go to Malate?)

Me: Mine. Why?

R: Sakit ng ulo ko, na-leng-leng lang ako, haggard! (Headache, drunk, haggard)

Me: That's the idea.

Me: This is to re-affirm what we stopped doing. This is to remind us of what we usually get after partying and dancing all night. This does not mean that we will do this every week again.

R: Hahahaha. Correct.

Me: We are getting old noh?

R: Yeah. Fun times. I'm glad you set this one up.

Me: Me too.

R: The habit is dead. But the friendship is what we still have.

Me: BOOM!

Fun times with good friends and great company. Life goes on. It's been almost 2 years since my diagnosis. And I'm still here. Life is good. Life is great. My life before was like a shiny disco ball, it just goes round and round all night until everyone decides to go home, until the club music fades. I will have the memories of my shiny disco balls and will cherish them. But I am getting older. My decision to cut down my partying was not just because of my HIV status, but because of a change that needs to happen.

Don't get me wrong, being a home-buddy is actually a good thing. I get more well-rested after spending almost 50-60 hours a week at the office. I spend more time with my family. I get to read books again - books that I bought a gazillion years ago that I need to dust-off. I was back when I was just a young adult - a loner who locks up in his room in his PJs reading books, listening to music, and daydreams a lot.

Last night though, I went out. I went to my friend's party. It's been months since I saw my friends. Wine, cheese and good company. Reminiscing the past every now and then. Yes - we grew up but we never grew apart. I guess it is part of getting old.

I went home around 2am. My friend begged me to stay but I told him that it was getting late, it's raining and I still live down south. I gave him a big hug. I told him that we should see each other soon, but "soon" usually means months from now.

I am getting used to a different lifestyle. I don't want to get stuck in the past - partying like crazy over the weekend, getting hung over the next day, brain dead on Monday. But don't get me wrong - I still enjoy going to parties and events. But the sex, drugs and rock & roll drama needs to stop.

Martha Stewart once said, "Life is too complicated not to be orderly." My life needs order. My life needs a little compartmentalization. Do this. Don't do that. And it is not entirely because of my HIV status, but it's just something that I have to do.

Last Thursday, I went to the Hills to get my ARV refill. Bought Tiramisu for the staff, chatted with Ate Let about PhilHealth and talked to Ate Ana. When Ate Ana pulled out my folder, she said... "Undetectable ka na pala, yung results ng Viral Load mo nung December."

Great news indeed.

HIV viral load tests are reported as the number of HIV copies in a milliliter (copies/mL) of blood. If the viral load measurement is high, it indicates that HIV is reproducing and that the disease will likely progress faster than if the viral load is low. During treatment and monitoring, a high viral load can be anywhere from 5,000 to 10,000 copies/mL. Initial, untreated, and uncontrolled HIV viral loads can range as high as one million or more copies/mL. A low viral load is usually between 40 to 500 copies/mL, depending on the type of test used. This result indicates that HIV is not actively reproducing and that the risk of disease progression is low.

A viral load result that reads “undetectable” does not mean that you are cured. It may mean that either the HIV RNA is not present in your blood at the time of testing or that the level of HIV RNA is below the threshold needed for detection.

Change in viral load is also a very important measurement. A rising count indicates either that the infection is getting worse or that you have developed resistance to the drugs that are being used for therapy, while a falling count indicates improvement and suppression of the HIV infection.

My point is... CD4 is not the only measurement that pozzies should focus on. You have to monitor your health (in general), your attitude, your SGPT, your Viral Load, etc.

I am not cured, I know that. I am still a pozzie. But with my undetectable viral load, I just can't stop smiling. I know that you are not gone.... but I have definitely moved on. Cheers!

I went online and pinged my boss, I asked her if there's anything that she needs to tell me. She was hesitant, I got excited. Finally, she told me that I was promoted!

I got promoted in less than a year! All the hard work done, the sleepless nights, the Excel Formula nightmares, etc. paid off!

Now I'm fired up! Not fired. Fired up! Fired up to take bigger roles. Woohoo!

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Some may say that with the stress that I am getting from work, that my CD4 might suffer. Nah. I feel good, I feel great, I feel more alive than ever.

Fact, they don’t owe me anything, but they could show some common decency. The total disregard for someone else and the lack of manners pisses me off. Manners. I’d rather have them say they cannot meet me instead of leaving me hanging on, checking my phone for a text or message every few minutes.

If I want to do something with you and clear my schedule to spend time with you, then why would you string me along and have me wait for you when you have no intention of ever showing up?

I could stand them up and bail out on them, block them from my mobile phone and Facebook.... but that would only bring me down to their level and I don’t want to do that because that would only make me more of an asshole then they are. And, I'm just too classy for that.

Karma will just bite them on the ass.

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By the way, my blog was quoted in WegoHealth.

Go to http://community.wegohealth.com/profiles/blogs/coming-out-about-your to read the whole article. Thanks Jordan for mentioning my blog.