Lucky 13

253

2012-01-18T09:18:00.003+08:00

is my new number, my new CD4.

December 2009 - 13

June 2010 - 85 (+72)

December 2010 - 169 (+84)

June 2011 - 218 (+49)

January 2012 - 253 (+35)

Not bad. Up by 35 points. And who's to blame but me. Haven't been sleeping that much. Working 12 hours a day. Sometimes, I work on weekends. No exercise at all (unless you count retail therapy).

I also gained weight, I'm now at 61kg, roughly 134lbs. But I'm having what they call, "muscle wasting" from my ARV medication - Stavudine. I talked to Ate E and she said I need to swap back to Zidovudine. Now I'm on 3 months clinical trial for Zidovudine, hoping that my RBC stays normal.

In the next few weeks, I'll be working harder than ever on a new project. After this, I'm taking a month long break. Some R&R. Relaxation and... Recollection. I need a new plan on how to get to 300+ CD4.

Or maybe, I need a less stressful work (as if it exists.. ha!).

Oh well, at least I had +35. I'm still doing good. And hanging on still.

Basement

2012-01-10T01:14:00.004+08:00

Woke up really early this morning. Went to RITM aka the Basement (dahil lumipat na sila ng location). Doraemon was early, he already asked the staff to pull-out my records. Pagdating ko, kinausap ako ni Mara, mali daw ang PhilHealth record ko sa kanila. I looked at the database, iba yung pangalan ko, and I'm self employed. Di pa ganun kaayos ang database ng RITM, ganun na talaga kadami ang poz sa Pinas. It's more fun ba?

Buti na lang kilala ako sa Basement (the infamous Lucky13). Dahil na din siguro sa pa-merienda ko lagi when I visit them. Di ako (masyado) mayaman, pero I make it a fact that I bring something to the staff. FREE ang nakukuha kong services (kahit na minsan may kabagalan talaga). Sa akin lang, para mas ganahan sila, bigyan sila ng something something. Di ba? Kesa mag-inarte ka dun akala mo ikaw ang reyna ng RITM tapos ni lugaw teh di mo sila mapakain. Kaya sa lahat ng meron namang spare cash, bring something to your treatment hubs. Kahit papaano, mapapasaya mo sila.

So anyway, it was our anniv check-up. Hinanda ko ang ugat ko para sa anniv check-up dahil sa 4-5 vials ng dugo na kailangan i-extract for the annual check-up - CD4, CBC, etc. I also need to do that injection thingy for TB (PPD) and sputum din. Plus the urinalysis and fecalysis. And XRAY.

So I had my blood extracted. Josko, si Ateh, parang gusto ako patayin sa pagdrain ng dugo. Then sa XRAY. Naku, sa mga pupunta sa RITM, patience sa XRAY lab dahil yung staff dun, pati sya parang dapat i-XRAY. Then to the pharmacy to get PPD. Then lipad kay Ate Ellen para magpa-PPD. Yung for urinalysis nabigay ko, yung for fecalysis, wit, eh nag fasting ako, kaya walang laman ang tyan ko, walang lalabas! Sputum, will be back sa Thursday.

Then nagpaconsult ako for my ARV. It's been almost 2 years na naka Stavudine ako. Pwede akong bumalik sa Zidovudine. Ang effect kasi ng Stavudine is muscle wasting. Kaya ang legs ko, susme, pang Elite Model sa pagka skinny. Buti pinayagan ako, akala ko monthly pa ko babalik, pero binigyan na ako ng 3 bote.

Note: Sa RITM, wala kang dedicated doctor kasi every month nagrorotate ang doctors. Unlike sa PGH. Kaya dapat alam mo ang records mo at alam mo ang history mo. Kaya dapat kilala mo din ang staff sa RITM. Kaya yung mga nagmamaganda sa RITM, wag masyado (lalo na pag di ka naman kagandahan).

Natapos kami mga 11:30AM. Had lunch at Festi. Nag-ikot saglit then umuwi na. At eto, masama pakiramdam ko. Dahil nakauwi ako ng 2pm tapos may pasok ako sa gabi, di kinaya ang konting oras na tulog. Buti mabait si boss, pinayagan ako mag SL.

Anyway, back to the basement, dami bago. Isa lang kilala ko na parang part na ng staff ng OPD. The rest baguhan. Yung isa, mabango. Yung isa, parang di naligo. Yung isa todo shades si ate, ayaw makilala. As in parang incognito. Akala ko bago, pero nung pinapull-out nya records nya, 1997 pa pala sya. Ganda ni ateh. Meron pa isa, naka shades din.... Summer na siguro, dami naka fake na Rayban.

This year, dami ko na plans. Di nakasulat sa papel, puro mental note lang. Kailangan ko ibalik ang modelesque ko na figure. Kasi... vain ako, saka summer na. Haha. And switching to Zidovudine is just the first step. My skin is getting better and whiter. From my cheetah print skin last 2010, ngayon wala na. Sabi din ni Liz Uy, di na uso ang animal prints in 2012.

This year, kailangan ko ulit ma-promote. Hahaha. I already talked to my boss and she said that malaki yung possibility na ma-promote ako.

This year, more out of town trips.

This year, more time for my love ones.

This year, I will try to be less maldita and less mataray. Less lang. I can't do a complete 180.

Ayun, yun na muna. Mahirap mag plano at maglista tapos January mo lang tutuparin.

Meme na me. Will blog on Friday for my CD4 results. Ang layo na ng narating ko as a pozzie. From a CD4 of 13 in (December) 2009 to 218 in (June) 2011. From my anorexic figure to a semi-chub self. From unemployment to now getting on his 2nd promotion.

And yeah, this year, I'm turning 30. Bet!

2011

2011-12-27T00:06:00.002+08:00

Uber busy. Sa mga naghihintay na ma-update ang blog ko, don't worry, di pa naman ako tegi. Hello, may tegi ba na nagbloblog? Hahaha.

So ayun nga, just to inform everyone, I'm effing alive. Just busy. Ang last blog ko was before ako mag US. After a few weeks in the US, bugbog sa work. And di yung pretending na busy ha. As in super busy.

So my US trip was EPIC! Wala naman escapade but the trip was memorable. Went to different cities and states. Lumafang ng lumafang. Nag sight seeing and all. Shopping galore. Witchells ako nag credit card at ayoko mabaon sa jutang I paid all my shopping expenses in cash. Haha. Ang di ko lang keri is yung super long flight.

Then back to work. Syempre di naman ako pinadala sa US para magbakasyon. 12hours/day na trabaho. 4-5 hours lang ang borlogs ko everyday. Fuck diba? Oh well, as long as I accomplish something everyday, keri na ang eyebags pero mygaaaaaash, I super need a break.

Then itong pasko naman, nahold-up ako.... ng family at relatives. Akala siguro nila dahil nakapag-US ako eh Donya na ako. Kaloka. Pero sabi nga nila, it's better to give. So happy naman ako sa pagbibigay ng gifts.

So, 2011 in summary was AWESOME! As in! Dami ko nabiling gamit para sa bahay and still made ipon. Dami ko nakilalang tao especially sa work. I got my promotion last May. One year na kami ni Doraemon. My CD4 went up. Dami dami. And I'm very thankful sa lahat na nangyari at mangyayari pa sa life ko. So sa mga pozzie out there, not because pusit ka na, end of the world na. You should take it as a challenge - to wake up everyday and not just HOPE but DO something about your life.

Malapit na ang 2012. Sabi nila, end of the world na. Sa 12/12/12 ba? Sa 01/12/12? Kelan ba ng mataya sa lotto yang date na yan! Why will God end his beautiful creation (kahit madaming pasaway)?

Anyway, in 2012, I want to make it bongga. I'm setting my target on my next promotion, sa next trip abroad (hmmm... Europe!), meeting friendship, helping out, etc. Ayoko naman gumawa ng bucket list kasi may added pressure. Meron lang akong mga mental notes. Whatever happens diba? Pero I need to watch my health of course. Aanhin ko ang pera ko kung tegi na akech? Dba? So far di pa ko nagkakasakit ulit. I gained weight. As in body fat hindi muscle weight. So therefore it's time to put my vanity hat once more and make myself yummy. LOL. I miss those days na I make girls giggle and boys gigil.

And yes, as much as I can, I will post my misadventures. Katotohanan lamang at walang halong kaplastikan at fiction. Kasi ang dami dyan, fictional na yung post. Well okay naman if fictional eh ang problema, pinagkakalat nya na yun ang nangyayari sa kanya. Dba. Liar. Tapos yung iba, akala mo ang linis linis linis. Teh, mahirap magmalinis lalo na kung gawain mo din. Saka teh, mahirap yung ang linis linis mo nga, puro libag naman ang batok mo. Ewnesssss is next to oiliness which is prone to acne. In short, isa kang pimple na ang sarap putukin.

So ayan. Nang-aaway na naman daw ako. Di naman. Medyo lang. Di ako mabait. Maldita lang. Mahirap ang masyadong mabait. Sa pelikula lang or sa telenobela sila nagwawagi (tapos sa ending pa after 3 months).

So ayun. Good night. I need to borlogs na. See you laters!

Ready Set Go

2011-10-24T00:50:00.006+08:00

So everything is already set for my US trip. This is not my first trip to the US, this is my 3rd. I've been in the 5 years ago in different states. This time, I'm going somewhere in the east coast.

This aftie I went to the mall to buy my toiletries for the trip. I also bought a new jacket, it'll be a little chilly when I get to the US. On Thursday I'm getting my ARVs and my ARV prescription. Haircut and mani-pedi on Friday. I'll be gone for 3-4 weeks, depending on the daily progress of my client meetings.

I've already decided which clothes to bring. I'll pack light. Got tons of shopping to do in the US so I def need some space in my luggage.

This is the start of something bigger and brighter in my professional career. In the past, stumbled a few times, but I dusted myself off and picked myself up. Partida pa, pusit ako. No pun intended.

Two years ago when I found out that I was HIV positive, I thought that my life was over - mediocre job, poor health, zero friends, die alone. Yes, all those drama came to me but luckily, I was able to conquer my fear and insecurities. Living with HIV is hard, but I am still thankful because I am still alive.

People get drunk with their sorrows. I get wasted on my personal dreams. Libre mangarap pero walang mangyayari pag matutulog ka lang. Chase your dream, drop the drama and stop over-analyzing everything.

Look where I am now. Di ako nagyayabang pero sana I can help people with HIV be a little optimistic. Remember the time that you found out that you are positive? That will probably be one of the lowest point in your life, and you can never go lower. The only way is up and the only way to fly is to do something in your life rather that live in mediocrity and misery.

USA

2011-10-19T02:39:00.003+08:00

Consul: Hi, good morning, how are you?

Lucky: Good morning, I'm doing good.

C: So what is the purpose of your trip to the US?

L: I'll be attending business meetings for 4 weeks in *state*

C: Have you been in the US?

L: I went to *state* last 2005 for 3 weeks, then in *state* for a week to attend a business conference.

C: I see. Do you have relatives in the US?

L: Yes I do. I have cousins living in *state*

C: Do you have plans to go there after your business meetings?

L: No plans. I have to fly back here in Manila.

C: Okay. Your visa is approved.

Yes!!! I got my US Visa. I'll find out on Friday or Monday if I get 10 years. I think I'll get 10 years multiple entry B1 visa because I'll be going from one state to another. And I already had 2 US visas in the past. I'm flying to *state* soon. Will be there for 4weeks.

I'm going to the Basement* next week to get my ARV and a certification from the clinic just in case they ask about my ARVs and just in case I lost my luggage, so I can purchase my ARV in the US.

Another Year

2011-09-28T07:35:00.003+08:00

I celebrated my birthday this month. I never really celebrated my birthday in the past. Last year though, I told myself to celebrate it with friends. Last year, I got all of them drunk and puking as early as 2AM. Last year was epic. This year, I kept it low profile, with close friends and a few officemates.

Haven’t seen my friends for months. Everyone seems to be busy with whatever – work, lovelife, work, lovelife. One friend was too busy with his galaxy tab, probably tweeting every 5 minutes. But I was glad that they still made it to the mini-soiree that I organized. But I felt that me and my friends were already drifting apart. Sad noh? The friendship is still there, but not as close as before. But I was still happy that they made it to my party.

After the little soiree, I asked them if they want to join us clubbing somewhere in Makati but half of them were sick, while half of them needs to go home. Fine. But it was all good.

I met up with my other friends at the club. My best friend pulled me away from the crowd and had a small chit-chat with me.

Bes: Happy birthday bes!

Me: Hey, thanks for coming. Thought you won’t make it… again.

Bes: Fuck-off. But I need to go home soon. Happy birthday bes. You're 31 na!

Me: Fuck-off. I'm just a year older than you are, you brat.

Bes: Hahahaha! Huy, you look good ha!

Me: Yeah, need to gain a few more pounds though.

Bes: Huy, promise me ha. Be safe.

Me: Safe?

Bes: Yes. Be safe. A few friends of ours passed away already. I think it’s because of late HIV diagnosis. Remember “X” a couple of years ago, and “Y” last year. And just recently, “Z.”

Me: Yeah I know. Don’t worry bes. I’ll be safe. You don’t have to worry much about me. We still have a few more years. You know what, everything seems to get old na… like clubbing (trying to change the topic).

Bes: Oh yeah. Look at the crowd bes. OML (Oh My Lord). Kids.

Me: I know right.

I haven’t told my best friend about my status. He doesn’t need to know any time soon. All he needs to know is that I’m doing well, I’m healthy, I’m not a partee boy anymore, and my future is looking good. I got side tracked a few years back, but I'm back in my red ruby slippers walking the yellow brick road to Oz.

After a few more minutes, bes bid his goodbyes. We hugged and then left the club. After an hour or so, me and hubby left the club and went home.

The reason why I haven’t told my friends about my HIV status is because I am not ready yet. It will take a few more years I guess. HIV is a horrible disease. HIV is my new normal. My current state of mind is somewhat okay with my new normal and it took me some time before I fully accepted it. Michael Johnson has been the poster boy of HIV/AIDS but let me tell you this – Michael Johnson is a millionaire and he has full access to whatever he needs – private chefs, better meds, a nutritionist, stressless work. I am no Michael Johnson. I’m a working class hero. So yeah, living with HIV is a little difficult. What more if you’re a class E citizen? It is hard. But what keeps me sane these days is work and my relationships with people.

Anyhoo, another year older, another year wiser. Everything is looking good – career, relationships, health. But there is something missing, something that I just can’t put my finger on, something like butterflies in my stomach. Or maybe it’s just acid reflux.

Fly

2011-09-18T07:30:00.002+08:00

My boss told me to work on my US Visa. Will be travelling to the Americas (schushal, the Americas talaga) sometime November. Will be there for about a month. It's not my first time to go to the Americas (again, the Americas, schushal). Been to Arizona and San Diego a few years back for work as well. But this is the first time that I'll be travelling as a pozzie.

Been reading HIV forums about bringing ARV medication. My main concern is if I will check-in or just carry my ARV meds. According to my research, you should never check-in your ARVs. First, the flight will take me around 14hours, which means that I may have to skip my ARV. Second, my luggage might be lost. So yeah, I'll carry my medication.

As advised by people, one should carry an official certificate (not just a handwritten reseta ni Doc) from the clinic. And just bring the right amount of pills + extra just in case. So there.

I am kinda (kinda talaga?) excited for my trip. Iniisip ko na yung clothes that I have to bring. Shet. And I'm sure, and this never fails, my relatives will ask me to buy them Victoria Secret lotion from the US? Kaloka!!!! Tama na ang Johnson's and Johnson's! Saka, meron naman VS lotion sa Pinas.

Crossing my fingers that my Visa gets approved first. Hopefully this time, Multiple entry na. Shet. Multiply entry = Powerbottomesa. BWAHAHAHA! Ew, haven't tried multiple entry. And wala akong pangarap na i-multiple entry ako. Kaloka. Di ako baggage counter.

Anuna teh?

2011-09-15T08:18:00.005+08:00

Susme. May isang hitad, 3 weeks ago ko na inemail, requesting her if she can check something something for me. After 3 days, she emailed me back, with a very very long run-on sentence, na ang gist lang naman ng sentence is that she'll check.

So I emailed her last week, asking for an update.

Then I emailed her again.

And again.

Then her team mate replied to my email, asking her to reply.

Susme... teh... I KNOW THAT YOU ARE NOT THAT BUSY. Pareho lang tayo ng work.

In the workplace, dapat within 24 hours makareply ka na sa mga emails sa'yo. Worst case na yung 48 hours. If wala kang definite answer(s) dun sa mga tanong sa email sa'yo, you will reply na you will follow-up tapos may timeline ka. Eh teh, anong petsa na. Kailangan ko na ng sagot kasi kailangan ko na sya sa lunes.

Tapos ngayon ngayon lang, nag message ako sa office chat namin. Asking her for an update. Ang status nya, BUSY. Okay fine. Tapos after my message, biglang nag BE RIGHT BACK. Teh, halatang tinataguan mo ko. Letse ka. Sa office chat kasi, malalaman mo if inactive sa chat if slowly nag-change yung color from Red, to Red/Yellow, then Yellow. Eh si ate, from Red... to Yellow agad. Beyotch.

You are soooo..... haaaaaay. Leche ka!

Me and my Officemates

2011-08-30T00:09:00.004+08:00

Make-up

Officemate: Marunong ka mag-make-up? Ikaw, nag-m-make-up ka ba?

Me: I sometimes use liquid foundation when I go out. Pero di naman yung parang foundation day ako. I have slight discoloration sa face and neck. Yun lang naman. I don't wear eyeliner, bronzer, lipstick. Di naman ako rarampa na maghahanap ng afam.

O: So you know how to put on make-up.

M: I know the basics. Turuan kita?

O: Tse.... pero sige nga, pano ba?

M: Clean your face, put a BB cream or liquid foundation. Dapat yung foundation is one shade darker or the same as your skin sa leeg. Apply sa face palabas hanggang sa neck. After putting cream, konting loose powder para mag-hold. Then you are good to go honey.

O: Bronzer marunong ka?

M: Di ako nagbro-bronzer. Pero if maglalagay ka, dab sa cheekbones and sa t-zone i think.

Fashion

Officemate 2: Ikaw, bakit di ka nagdadamit babae?

Me: I prefer men's clothing.

O: Kita mo yung baklang yun na naka dress, ang chaka!

M: Di ko nga alam eh. Baka walang salamin sa bahay.

O: Loka-loka.

M: Teh, bakla man, nagkakamali din. Perfect example yung baklang yun. Kita mo nga yung paa, di man lang magpa-pedicure.

O: Bakla ka, pati yung paa nakita mo.

Muscles

Officemate 1: Lucky, bakit ayaw mo mag-gym?

Me: I did before. Pero alam mo naman sa team natin, walang panahon.

O: Sayang, I saw your pics sa FB. Nalaglag panty ko.

M: I'll take that as a compliment. Pero teh, di ako pumapatol sa babae.

O: Dami nyong becky na pumuputok putok ang muscles. Sayang!!!!

M: So nalaglag din panty mo?

O: Pati matres ko nalaglag!!!

M: Ingat ka, baka kunin nila matres mo.

Mirror Mirror

2011-08-07T02:09:00.004+08:00

I looked at myself in front of the mirror. I look okay. I used to weigh 120lbs. Now I'm at 130lbs. My partee days are over. But I know I can do better.

A month ago, I had a consultation at RITM regarding my ARVs. I am on Efav, Lamivudine and Stavudine.

Efav - Weird dreams check. Hilo factor check. Init factor check. Another side effect of Efav is having boobies (daw). So far, wala pa akong moobs (man-boobs). Minsan daw, sa belly area yung taba. Wala din naman.

Lamivudine - Hmmm... wala akong alam na side-effect.

Stavudine - The doctor asked me why I switched to Stavudine. I told him that I switched to Stavudine because my hemoglobin count and RBC dropped to anemic level. So ano pa bang side effect ng stavudine.... Eto, nawawala ang pwet ko.

Ipapa-page ko sana sa SM yung pwet ko, kasi nawawala!

The doctor said, without regular exercise, my muscles will shrink. Especially sa pwet. Susmiyo, wala na nga akong pwet, mawawala pa lalo.

He said I can switch back to Zidovudine but I need to go on clinical trial again for 3 months. Afraid. I think my ARV combo is doing great since my Viral Load is undetectable na. So there's only one thing to do...

Well, 2 options pala... ang magpalagay ng pwet... Or go back to the gym.

My schedule now is less stressful. Done na with a project. My next project will be in September pa. May gym sa office. May gym malapit sa amin. I just need to convince myself to go back to the gym.

I looked at myself in front of the mirror. I like what I see. It's been almost 2-years since I was diagnosed. I am healthier, mukha lang stress and haggardous versoza after work, pero healthy still. I look good in my slim denims and skinny jeans. Yes, walang kokontra, I have a pair of skinny jeans from Topman, and yes, I look good wearing them.

The man in the mirror is here to stay and live longer than anyone can imagine.

Babies

2011-08-01T01:59:00.003+08:00

Hubby and I were talking about the adoption situation in their household. His Aunt wants to adopt a baby. He was asking for my opinion in the situation.

One of her Aunt's friends informed them about a newly born baby in a hospital who is up for adoption. The mother of the baby does not have the financial capacity to support the child. Her Aunt, after seeing the beautiful baby girl, had the good intentions of paying for the hospital bills and adopting the baby. Sounds good right? A good Samaritan. Her Aunt consulted them (her kids and hubby) about adopting the baby but towards the end of their conversation, her aunt told them that they should help out as well on taking care of the baby.

Hubby was "adopted" by her aunt. He lived with them as long as he could remember. So for hubby, it is paying it forward.

Anyway, cutting our discussion short, I told him that a baby is a responsibility and he should not pressure himself in saying yes to her Aunt. I advised him that the decision should come from her aunt, not from him nor from his cousins.

Eventually, her aunt decided to adopt the child.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

Last Tuesday, I had a chat with my officemates over coffee. She saw the ring in my finger and asked me if I have any plans on getting married with my partner. She said that gay marriage is legal in Brazil where she lives. I told her that gay marriage in the Philippines is not yet legal and even if it is, I don't have any plans of getting married soon. Maybe sometime in the future, but not in the near future.

She then asked me if I have plans in adopting a kid.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

At my best friend's birthday party, his fiance opened the topic of adoption. He said that they talked about it and they have plans of adopting a kid in the future. He said that in their relationship, eventually, a kid will bring them together in full circle. He asked one of our friends and he said he has no plans. He then looked at me and asked me if I have plans. I took a long sip of red wine and just shook my head.

x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x

I have my priorities set in the next couple of years - climb higher on the corporate ladder; get healthier; build stronger relationships with my family, friends, and with my partner; and, invest on something. Adopting a baby is not on my list yet. It's not because I'm afraid of responsibilities and commitment, but it's because I am not ready yet. And partly, it's because of my HIV status. Until they find a cure, my answer to adoption is no.

Shiny Disco Balls

2011-07-17T23:26:00.004+08:00

Last night I had a date with my hubby. It was our monthsary. We were supposed to watch a movie but there were no more tickets so we decided to go have a sing

-a-long challenge at Timezone. After 1.5 hours of singing ala Ate Regine and Mariah, we decided to have din din and then coffee.

Earlier that day, I messaged my friends and asked them to go out and meet up. My first group of gay friends. I also messaged a few pozzies to join us (Baby China and Little Jenny).

So... hubby went off to work, I waited for my friends at a coffee shop. After 1 hour of waiting, they arrived. Then... we went to Malate.

It was Malate's White Party. I was never a Malate baby. I'm a Makati girl. So the thought of partying in the streets of Malate is not my cup of tea. We decided to go to Bed.

So there, sort of a reunion with good friends. Saw familiar faces here and there that I haven't seen for months/years. Oo na, ang taba ko. Pero not really. I was 120lbs back then. I'm 130lbs now. So yeah, ang taba ko.

I drank. I smoke. Not exactly the model pozzie. But I told myself, this will be my cheat day.

I received an sms message from a newbie pozzie. He said he was in Bed as well. So we met up. Actually, he found me. We hugged and he said, in a slurry way, that I'm an inspiration. Hmmmm. Hahaha. I'm not good with compliments so I told him that he was just drunk.

Another sms message from a pozzie, Red. I met up with him outside of Bed.

At around 4ish, I told my friends that I'm going home. Back then, I'm usually the person who's drugged and wasted til 6am. Things changed. Time to go home. They said that they will go home as well. I was happy that all of us grew up from our old habits.

R: Kanino bang idea 'tong mag Malate? (Who's idea was it to go to Malate?)

Me: Mine. Why?

R: Sakit ng ulo ko, na-leng-leng lang ako, haggard! (Headache, drunk, haggard)

Me: That's the idea.

Me: This is to re-affirm what we stopped doing. This is to remind us of what we usually get after partying and dancing all night. This does not mean that we will do this every week again.

R: Hahahaha. Correct.

Me: We are getting old noh?

R: Yeah. Fun times. I'm glad you set this one up.

Me: Me too.

R: The habit is dead. But the friendship is what we still have.

Me: BOOM!

Fun times with good friends and great company. Life goes on. It's been almost 2 years since my diagnosis. And I'm still here. Life is good. Life is great. My life before was like a shiny disco ball, it just goes round and round all night until everyone decides to go home, until the club music fades. I will have the memories of my shiny disco balls and will cherish them. But I am getting older. My decision to cut down my partying was not just because of my HIV status, but because of a change that needs to happen.

Martha Stewart

2011-07-09T18:37:00.004+08:00

My life changed after my HIV diagnosis last 2009. My so-called night life was almost non-existent nowadays. Each day, I became more domesticated. Yes, I am becoming Martha Stewart - the domesticated diva.

Don't get me wrong, being a home-buddy is actually a good thing. I get more well-rested after spending almost 50-60 hours a week at the office. I spend more time with my family. I get to read books again - books that I bought a gazillion years ago that I need to dust-off. I was back when I was just a young adult - a loner who locks up in his room in his PJs reading books, listening to music, and daydreams a lot.

Last night though, I went out. I went to my friend's party. It's been months since I saw my friends. Wine, cheese and good company. Reminiscing the past every now and then. Yes - we grew up but we never grew apart. I guess it is part of getting old.

I went home around 2am. My friend begged me to stay but I told him that it was getting late, it's raining and I still live down south. I gave him a big hug. I told him that we should see each other soon, but "soon" usually means months from now.

I am getting used to a different lifestyle. I don't want to get stuck in the past - partying like crazy over the weekend, getting hung over the next day, brain dead on Monday. But don't get me wrong - I still enjoy going to parties and events. But the sex, drugs and rock & roll drama needs to stop.

Martha Stewart once said, "Life is too complicated not to be orderly." My life needs order. My life needs a little compartmentalization. Do this. Don't do that. And it is not entirely because of my HIV status, but it's just something that I have to do.

Thank You

2011-06-19T00:54:00.001+08:00

It has been said the reason why people pass through your life is to learn about yourself. They allow you to act and react in a manner which is reflective of the person you are (even if you don’t react, that’s still indicative of a behaviour).

So, I grew as a person after learning what I needed to learn from them. Although I thought they were in my life because of a deep-seated need to connect with someone - anyone - that will lavish some attention on me to prove my worthiness in the world, it wasn’t the reason.

Without them, I wouldn't know the person who I was, am and was going to be. Thankfully, I am so much better having them in my life... even if I’m lucky to have them out of my life because some of them were assholes.

Higher

2011-06-14T08:34:00.003+08:00

"I feel like I can touch the sky..."

I had my CD4 count yesterday and the results are in: from 169 I am now at 218. Not bad. Up by 49 points. From 13 to 85 (72 points), to 169 (84 points), now to 218 (49 points). A lot (of stress) happened and I know why I was only up by 49 points.

1. Work-related stress - Getting my promotion meant a lot of extra hours in the office. Unlike some regular employee, I work an average of 50-60 hours/week. The extra stress at work paid off but I am sure that my CD4 suffered a bit. Apart from the extended hours at the office, I had 2 months of travelling back and forth from Manila to Cebu. Come August, I will have to travel back to Cebu again for another project. Good for my career, additional cash but probably bad for my CD4. I don't have a choice though, they need my expertise. I just have to manage my time more I guess.

2. No exercise - I used to go the gym last year and attend yoga classes. But because of work, I'm dead tired after my shift and had no time to even stretch. I will go back to the gym this week. Exercise does help improve one's health. Plus... thanks to Stavudine.... fat deposits are on my belly. I vow to go to the gym at least 1x/week. If I can't, I will do 50 push-ups and 50 crunches everyday.

3. Sick puppy - I got sick 3x since December. The usual colds + fever combo. I hate getting sick. Plan is to get back in shape, take my vitamins, get my flu shot next week, and... bring an umbrella. I don't want to get sick.

4. Supplements - I'm checking the internet for some knows supplements and anti-oxidants that helps improve CD4. None of those banaba tea's or VCO. I was on a health regimen last year but stopped taking them. Will have to do another round of research before I take new supplements.

Getting 49 CD4 points is great. Positive is better than negative (no pun intended). From 13 last December 2009 to 218 this June 2011. Now comes the challenge of getting my CD4 higher (and maintaining an undetectable viral load).

Tagos Ng Dugo

2011-06-07T00:07:00.002+08:00

Nakipag-sex ka sa kaniya (or kanila), tapos lalaitin mo? What’s worse is nilait mo na ang itsura before kayo nag-sex… tapos maiirita ka after? Ano ka artista? Sabay pasok sa banyo, bukas ng shower, kuha ng sabon, sandal sa pader and shout… ANG DUMI DUMI KO? Ano ka? Gusto mo ba i-remake yung movie ni Ate Vi? Di ka naman nireregla!

In the first place, bakit ka nakipag-sex kung ayaw mo naman pala ng itsura?

Tapos, mandidiri ka kasi akala mo 1 on 1 kayo, tapos, orgy pala. Pero nakipag-orgy ka pa din. Kasi ano? Nandun ka na kasi? Di ka makatanggi?

Then sasabihin mo baka nahawa ka sa kanila kasi you think na maybe one of them is a poz? Hello… kasalanan mo din if ever diba? And who knows, baka ikaw ang nakahawa sa isa sa kanila dun? If you do bareback, you are at risk of infecting OR getting infected. Wala ng sisihan di ba?

In sex, you always have an option. You can say NO. You can say STOP. Hello, nakipag-sex ako tapos lalaitin ko? Ganda mo teh! IKAW NA!

If di mo kaya mag-NO, wag ka manisi ng tao, wag ka manlait.

Nangati ka, nandun ka, di ka tumanggi, hayok ka.

Since You Been Gone (aka Undetectable)

2011-05-15T22:15:00.004+08:00

You had your chance, you blew it
Out of sight, out of mind
Shut your mouth, I just can't take it
Again and again and again and again

Last Thursday, I went to the Hills to get my ARV refill. Bought Tiramisu for the staff, chatted with Ate Let about PhilHealth and talked to Ate Ana. When Ate Ana pulled out my folder, she said... "Undetectable ka na pala, yung results ng Viral Load mo nung December."

Great news indeed.

HIV viral load tests are reported as the number of HIV copies in a milliliter (copies/mL) of blood. If the viral load measurement is high, it indicates that HIV is reproducing and that the disease will likely progress faster than if the viral load is low. During treatment and monitoring, a high viral load can be anywhere from 5,000 to 10,000 copies/mL. Initial, untreated, and uncontrolled HIV viral loads can range as high as one million or more copies/mL. A low viral load is usually between 40 to 500 copies/mL, depending on the type of test used. This result indicates that HIV is not actively reproducing and that the risk of disease progression is low.

A viral load result that reads “undetectable” does not mean that you are cured. It may mean that either the HIV RNA is not present in your blood at the time of testing or that the level of HIV RNA is below the threshold needed for detection.

Change in viral load is also a very important measurement. A rising count indicates either that the infection is getting worse or that you have developed resistance to the drugs that are being used for therapy, while a falling count indicates improvement and suppression of the HIV infection.

My point is... CD4 is not the only measurement that pozzies should focus on. You have to monitor your health (in general), your attitude, your SGPT, your Viral Load, etc.

But since you been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so movin' on, yeah, yeah
Thanks to you, now I get, I get what I want

I am not cured, I know that. I am still a pozzie. But with my undetectable viral load, I just can't stop smiling. I know that you are not gone.... but I have definitely moved on. Cheers!

In The Sun

2011-05-07T00:28:00.000+08:00

Fired Up!

2011-05-05T23:43:00.005+08:00

A few weeks ago, one of the managers at worked saw me at Starbucks and said, "Hey, congrats!" I gave her a confused look and asked her why? She said that I need to talk to my supervisor.

I went online and pinged my boss, I asked her if there's anything that she needs to tell me. She was hesitant, I got excited. Finally, she told me that I was promoted!

I got promoted in less than a year! All the hard work done, the sleepless nights, the Excel Formula nightmares, etc. paid off!

Now I'm fired up! Not fired. Fired up! Fired up to take bigger roles. Woohoo!

---------------------------

Some may say that with the stress that I am getting from work, that my CD4 might suffer. Nah. I feel good, I feel great, I feel more alive than ever.

What?

2011-05-01T00:50:00.001+08:00

Some people have the best intentions for others, but they don't always consult the others they have these intentions for.

I know their hearts are in the right place, but sometimes I wonder where the hell their brains are.

Call for Action

2011-04-27T20:10:00.001+08:00

Left and right, there are advocacies regarding the social stigma for PLWH (People Livong With HIV). I applaud the activists, the NGOs and the supporters. However, such focus and determination and time has been spent that they are missing the more tactical issues that pozzies in the Philippines will soon face in 2012. The ARV situation.

PhilHealth will be providing assisstance through the OHAT program which inludes an annual financial assistance of Php 30,000. Not sure if this is the latest but i got this info months ago. A month's worth of ARV (generic brands from India) will cost around Php 3,500 (1st line).

I can actually shoulder the expenses. But how about for those who cannot?

Are the existing NGOs working on getting funding from foreign institutions?

I wanna help. But how?

Get Busy

2011-04-27T07:42:00.001+08:00

Been busy with work lately. Done with a project in Cebu weeks ago. Working on a new project. Work is good, crossing my fingers that I get a good enough rating so I can be promoted.

Blog has been neglected. Lots of stories to tell though. Will think of something to post. I knoe, this is a lazy update. But i think it's better to post something lazy versus posting something apathetic or emotionally draining or post something self righteous about oneself. Right?

So there. I'm still alive. Just busy.

Common Decency

2011-03-21T00:43:00.005+08:00

One of my pet peeves is that I cannot stand when friends bail out on me.

Fact, they don’t owe me anything, but they could show some common decency. The total disregard for someone else and the lack of manners pisses me off. Manners. I’d rather have them say they cannot meet me instead of leaving me hanging on, checking my phone for a text or message every few minutes.

If I want to do something with you and clear my schedule to spend time with you, then why would you string me along and have me wait for you when you have no intention of ever showing up?

What pisses me off as well is that in this age of high technology, why can't they effing send me a text message when they need to cancel. 1 text costs a peso.

Then when they ask you for something, they require immediate attention.

Very inconsiderate right?

I could stand them up and bail out on them, block them from my mobile phone and Facebook.... but that would only bring me down to their level and I don’t want to do that because that would only make me more of an asshole then they are. And, I'm just too classy for that.

Karma will just bite them on the ass.

----------------------------------------------------------------

By the way, my blog was quoted in WegoHealth.

Go to http://community.wegohealth.com/profiles/blogs/coming-out-about-your to read the whole article. Thanks Jordan for mentioning my blog.

Borlogsless

2011-02-17T22:01:00.001+08:00

Pagoda cold wave akech kasi di masyado naka borlogs. I hate this other side effect of my arv.

Naka borlogs naman akech ng 3hrs then wit na. Nag fly na din ang thoughts ko. Kung anu ano iniisip. Nothing important mostly kagaguhan lang. Inisip ko yung mga past few years na i played the role of a sultry sex vixen. Ching!

I was a big tease in my kabataan. Yung tipong come and get me ang eksena pero afraid din ako pag andyan na and the guy is asking ti jer jer na. I just like to tease and flirt. And okay fine, play a little tongue twister action mala peter piper picked a puck of fucking pepe fuck my pepe. Lol. Anubaaaaaa pa-harmless effect lang ako sa club. And ever since never ako nagpapa-take home after gimmick. Kaloka naman dba, who wants to have sex after all the sweat? Tapos pagoda ever. Mas masarap matulog after ng gimmick.

Anyway, i want to borlogs pero syempre andito ako sa work and madami bantay. Si ina magenta nasa office. Kasama ko naman sa training room si granny goose. Baka gora akech dun sa isang room to get a powernap. If only i can sleep with my eyea open. Bongga yun!

Haaay i miss Doraemon. I'll see him later for breakfast. Actually daan lang ako sa office nya. Hihihi. We need to discuss something. Abangan!

Giggle-Gigil

2011-02-15T21:57:00.001+08:00

Di ako mayaman. Di ako maluho (slight). I just look expensive (ching!). Ang hirap naman pusit ka na nga pinapabayaan mo pa sarili mo. Dba?

Pusit ka na nga chaka ka pa? Ewness!

I admit nung una akong pumasok sa industriya ng kapusitan, bagsak ang beauty ko. Dry skin, underweight, may rashes and scaly scalp. I look at mirror mirror on the wall and i look average. Nang magstart ako mag gamot nag improve na ako. Di na ko underweight, okay na ang skin ko, amoy mayaman na. Haha.

Ngayon di na ako nakakapag-gym at yoga. I may not look yummy pero para kay Doraemon, masarap ako! Haha. And since malapit na ang summer, ohemgee need na magpasexy muli.

Madali lang naman ibalik ang balingkinitan kong katawan. Paliitin ng konti ang tyan at magka biceps muli. I wanna make girls giggle and boys gigil! Ching!

The 60day challenge is on! For the win! Apir!

Adobo weekend

2011-02-15T05:09:00.001+08:00

Doraemon cooked adobo for my family! Yessssssss! He also bought me an astroboy thingy. Love love love asteoboy. Ang baklitang robot! Dba? Naka black trunks with green belt and red boots! And yes, ang kilay na manipis! I bought him a nice semi formal jacket that he can use sa office. Happy mpnthsary and happy valentines day Doraemon! I love you!

Cebu Weekend

2011-02-06T22:24:00.005+08:00

I used to go clubbing twice a week. I drink. I dance. I party. I partee. I don't do random hook-ups though (well, maybe just 10% of the time). I just love dancing and hanging out with friends. I met most of my friends during club gimmicks. Yes, i'm friendly but I do have my snobby nights.

In the past few months, because of work, I kept my weekends to myself. At home sleeping, watching reruns, with Doraemon, with my mom and sis. I rarely go out. See, I live in the suburbs. I need to travel at least 1hr to the next joint.

But last night, my team had an impromptu gimmick. I'm in Cebu and I'm going back to Manila so they want to take me out somewhere in Cebu.

We had dinner somewhere in IT park. Had coffee. Then went to Mango to drink, sing and dance. I was with the company of straight people. Kaloka. Some of them spontaneously hooked-up (patay tayo dyan!) and I was left baby-sitting the rest of the team. One of my colleagues kept on pushing me to this guy pero naman ayaw ko. (1) I am committed to someone and (2) I am committed PERIOD.

I am flying back home. Can't wait to see my family, my dogs, my friends.

And of course... I miss Doraemon!!! Lapit na balentayms and our monthsary!

Whip

2011-02-05T10:48:00.003+08:00

Kanina sa office, dahil sa nakikita kong stressed ang mga tao, nagsayaw ako ng Whip My Hair. Hahaha! Yeah, I'm an office clown 'pag kailangan. Masaya and mabuti akong katrabaho. Ayoko ng masyadong stress sa work, yung di ka na marunong ngumiti. Kahit pagod, dapat, may smile ng konti.

So there... i whip my hair back and forth. I whip my hair back and forth.

Ashualey... habang nagtutuyo ng buhok sa banyo kanina, i whip my hair ulit ang eksena ko. Sakit nga ng leeg ko eh. Punyetang Willow Smith yan. Bibong bata parang walang buto sa leeg.

So whip your hair if you wanna be happy. Whip your hair for a better life. Chos!

Work

2011-02-03T10:54:00.004+08:00

I'm working on 2 accounts, 4 deals, around 200 agents. Working on two cities. On top of that, I have my adhoc duties with another manager. I work 12 hours a day. Stress level is high. As in... palong palo!

The reason why I committed myself in working my ass off is because I want to get a promotion within the year. My boss has high hopes that I can get promoted as long as I do well on my commitments and deliver beyond the expectations of each project. Kaya ko 'to mga teh.

Getting a promotion means getting a higher bonus and higher salary. I need to save more money. In 2012, I'll be paying for my ARVs. Though with my current pay, I can afford the projected Php3,000/month for ARVs. Pero syempre I need the extra boost in salary for other stuff. Pambili ng vitamins, supplements, and pampaganda. Pang foot spa, mani-pedi, facialm pa-spa, ahihihihi. Diba... Dapat maganda pa din kahit stressed. Stressed ka na nga tapos mukha ka pang halimaw, san na ko pupulutin nun? Ewwwww. Oiliness is next to poverty!

And I am not getting any younger. I'll be turning 30 soon. And I want to be, at least, on a lead role (on a motion picture... char). The only way is up in the career ladder. I am an achiever. Kaya kailangan ko itich ma-achieve.

Kaya there... Super cut ang nightlife. Pahinga lang sa house. Spending time with my family and Doraemon. Ang gimmick ko is movie date with hubby. Clubbing was super nawala na. Siguro 1x every 2 months na lang. This weekend though, I'm going out with my trainers and agents and the clients. Pero ayoko makarinig ng anything about work this weekend otherwise mananampal talaga ako ng fez. Time for some red horsey.

So there... back to work.

I Do

2011-02-02T19:13:00.004+08:00

The video below made me a little teary eyed. Bongga kasi. Ganda ng shots. Maganda si Rox. Gwapo naman din si Elton. And I love love weddings.

"I give you my hand, my heart and my soul..."

Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww... pakshet!

In my mind, I already planned for my own wedding. The grooms' song. The outfit. The theme. The location. I'm just waiting for him to give me the ring and I'll say, without a doubt, I DO!

Yes... I found him. He found me.

I found Love in the Time of HIV/AIDS.

2011

2011-01-21T07:03:00.001+08:00

Oh yeah.... 2011... Into the Rabbit hole!!!

Watch out... the bitch is back!

10 Things I’ll Miss About You

2010-12-23T00:16:00.002+08:00

1. When we first met at the hills, we connected like sisters from Lalaland. We’re like dumb blondes with LV handbags and on Jimmy Choo shoes. You reminded me of a big sister that I never had.

2. Our gimmick at OBar Ortigas was another treat! We’re like bitches on the dancefloor.

3. You were asking people for some naming ideas for your shop and you picked my suggestion. Ganda ng name di ba!

4. We banter, we heckle, we have our lucrative chit chats. Only you and E can keep up with this type of conversation with me.

5. The time when you asked me to hold your hand. You were scared because the dermatologist needs to inject something in your nakakagalit na pimple.

6. When I called you up around 7 in the morning to dish about your favorite friend. That was a hell of a wake-up call for you. Haha!

7. When you showed me an R-rated picture of you and A. OMG. Ewwwwww. Hahaha.

8. When we talk about music, drugs… and drugs. People around us were trying to figure out what the hell were we talking about.

9. Our not so frequent text messages. Especially the last one that I received from you. Wrong sent ka pa.

10. In Malate, I rode your bike, wrapped my arms around your waist. From Sonata to OBar just to make a scene. Oh diba.

You will be missed. I know that you are in a happy place. Until we meet again. Love you G!

And my CD4 is....

2010-12-05T19:18:00.008+08:00

I had my CD4 count last Thursday. Was supposed to have it mid-December but I decided to have my CD4 test earlier. Dami activities this December, hence, puyatan.

So before the puyatan begins, better get my CD4 na. Well, I've been working on graveyard shift for the past 2 weeks and I'm sure medyo bumaba ang count ko. Anyway... I don't want to cheat on my CD4 count. Ayoko mandaya. So after work, I met up with Doraemon in Ayala. Doraemon will also make sabay for his CD4 count. Both of us dead tired from our shifts. Punyeta. Minus 50 CD4 I'm sure. He also needs to get the rashes in his back and chest checked.

We were early at the hills. Shola was there, naka push-up bra pa ang lola mo. Imagine... big boobs na naka push-up bra. NAKAKALUNOD. Yung pic dito... yes... that is Shol

a's boobs! A new pozzie was there and an echuserang pozzie. I called Ate Ana and she said she's on her way. So we waited and waited. Ate Ana then came, naka make-up ang lola mo. Biglang tingin sa akin and said... "Wag ka na magrereact!" I gave her a hug and a beso. Yes... Close. Hehehehe.

I was told to do fasting since it will be an annual PE

of some sort. Ate Ana asked if I ate something. I told her that I had coffee because I'm on GY. Pak. Di daw pwede. Kahit daw tubig bawal. Juskoh! So some of my tests will be rescheduled. All blood tests pwede but yung mga SGPT etc di pwede. Fine.

Urine. Viral Load (na kinukuhanan ako ng dugo pero N

EVER naman natetest). CD4. CBC. GT. Xray.

I went to the Xray lab first. Doraemon and the others to the clinical lab. Echuserang Poz was standing in the window when a local (yes... local) asked if nakapila si Poz. Poz said, "Walang pila" to manong with a tone na sarap suplakin sa fez. So manong local asked if he already paid for the whatever test. Sabi ni Poz frog, "I don't need to pay."

Pak. HOY BAKLANG ECHUSERANG PALAKA. UMAYOS AYOS KA. I know, free tests natin. Pero do respect manong local. He's just asking and curious bakit yung chaka mong fez eh nasa window eh di ka bayad. Oo nga, free tayo but that doesn't mean that we are more privileged than those who pays for their tests. ECHUSERA KA. Suplakin ko fez mo eh. Tapos may eyes rolling ka pa. CHAKA MO GIRL. Di ka kagandahan.

Anyway... so... xray... then blood tests... 3 vials were taken. Then urine test.

Doraemon and I went back to Ate Ana and asked if Doraemon can go to derma for the consult. Shet. 2PM pa daw. So we went to the lounge and waited. Doraemon said na umuwi na daw ako kasi I have work pa and malayo pa ang mansion ko. Nahiya ako kay Doraemon, sabi ko i wanna stay. Pero.. di kinaya ng energy ko so I went home. I left him sa quarters para maka tulog sya.

Got home at around 2PM. Natulog. Nagising ng 3PM. Doraemon calling...

"Lumabas na yung result. 164 na CD4 mo."

"Yes! Ikaw. Musta?"

"I dropped from 300+ to 250. Will start na on ARV. And I have shingles"

Bittersweet news. Happy that my CD4 doubled, and im on 3-digits na. Partida puyat ako. But kay Doraemon... Haaaay. I wish he can pull-out a magic something on his pouch. Like a mahiwagang camote to make himself feel better. He was crying when he was telling me the news.

Good thing though that the YFL group was there. Thanks to Babes, Yogi and Kitty for talking to Doraemon. Salamat and you were there. Hugs!

Anyway... di na ako nakatulog. I told my boss na I can't come to work. Late na ako nakatulog kakaisip... what i need to do for myself para bumongga ang CD4 ko. So I came up with some sort of resolutions for myself.

I’m making 8 resolutions or shall I say 8 vows for 2011…

1. I vow not to waste my time on things that "seem important"

2. Having mentioned number one, I vow to spend my time on things that are important. (e.g family, work, my life's purpose and my health)

3. I vow to spend money only on things I really need and to take joy in simply looking at pretty things I don't need. But yeah, a little luxury won't hurt. Little lang promise.

4. I vow to take full responsibility for my face. Hence, I will only frown at things that really need frowning at and take time to consider things I never thought were worth smiling for.

5. I vow to internalize that success is a journey and not an end. Hence, now is not too early to declare that I am successful.. and that everyday is a chance to feel successful.

6. I vow to overlearn that happiness is not the moving bunny in a horse race nor the star at the top of your christmas tree nor feeling high at around 3am. Happiness is ..the muscles of your abs. (you may have not felt it yet but believe me, it's there- it's inside of you).

7. I vow not to commit to anything that doesn't give me a reason to wake up cheerfully the next morning...or noon...or afternoon... or evening....

8. Finally, I vow not to make a career of something just because I am good at it. It has to be something I am great at, something which I enjoy doing and something my life's experiences has prepared me to do. I’ve worked for a lot of companies and I realized that it is better if you really like the job and not just the salary that goes with it. Believe me, money is not everything. But yeah, money is important in a way. But... again.. it is not everything.

Wishing everyone good health, good life, good sex life. A healthy appetite ngayong holidays. And to Doraemon, better health!

Cuddle

2010-11-29T15:53:00.004+08:00

It doesn’t have to be in bed. It can be on a sofa, a chair, or the floor. The floor... hehe. We don’t have to be naked. We can be fully clothed, wrapped in blankets. There doesn’t need to be any R-rated moments. The only thing we need is each other’s company.

Just to have somebody there, somebody in my nook, me in theirs, with an arm around me, or with my arm around them, feeling their faint breath on my neck, or mine in their hair. In the past, there’s nobody here. There’s nobody to cuddle with except for my pillow. But then I met him.

My Best Friend's Wedding

2010-11-28T17:22:00.004+08:00

Saw my gay bestfriend and his partner last night. It's been almost a year since we saw each other. Both of us were pretty much busy with our careers and we have said our goodbyes to the usual gimmicks. It was a surprise that I saw him last night.

Talked to his partner, a VP in one of the biggest banks here in the country. Was supposed to work for that company but my current employer got me signing the job offer before I received an interview schedule with them. M asked me if I want to work for them since they need the best people in one of their projects. It got me thinking... he's offering me 2x the salary that I am getting now. Unfortunately, I have a 1 year bond with my current employer. Bummer right? I told him that I'll apply after my bond expires.

Is money really that important? In a way, yeah. It pays the bills. It buys you stuff. You can save and invest and buy a house, a car. Call me materialistic but it doesn't hurt to splurge a little. To have what you always want. And yeah... to save up for the future. You cannot live in love alone. Love doesn't feed you, usually it gives you indigestion. Blame it on the butterflies in your stomach.

Anyway... going back. My bestfriend is getting married next year. In their 1st year anniversary. I love my best friend. He's not afraid to show his sexuality, his love, himself to the world.

So that makes me one of the bride's maids in his wedding. But damn I don't wanna wear an ugly dress. Hahaha.

I love you bes!

Uno

2010-11-14T18:30:00.002+08:00

Wrap your arms around me.
Keep me close, keep me warm.
Run your fingers up and down my arm.
Draw circles with your thumb.

Nuzzle my neck, head, and shoulders.
Breathe softly on my neck, my ears.
Lightly run your hand up and down my leg.
Lay your head against my shoulder.

Take my hand and lace our fingers together.
Gently rub your thumb with mine, hold my hand.
Hold me tight, make me feel wanted.
And fall asleep in each other’s arms.

Score

2010-11-12T21:57:00.001+08:00

“Do not judge me, I am not a contestant…”

LOL. But seriously, it is only human that we are judged or at the very least, rated by people around us. But before others raise their scores ala-Showtime, have you rated yourself on a scale of 1-10?

People tend to rate themselves, scale of 1-10 when being compared to others. I think it’s fair, especially since it helps to level out the playing field. No one wants to have relations with someone out of their league. Well, except for social climbers and losers whose confidence is annoying.

I think I’m a 7/10. That’s equivalent to a B, or an +80%, or in UP, it’s 1.75 or 2.0. I like my score. I am not perfect. There’s room for improvement, and it’s a pretty good start. Unlike those who think they’re a 10 but are really a 7.5, I have some shit to back it up.

Like in any pageants, it’s not just about beauty. It’s about the whole package.

I am not gorgeous or fucking hot. Not a head turner even. But I am not fugly. It takes time to see the beauty in my quirkiness. Iba ang ganda ko… Haha. I’m not a pretty boy. But yeah, I look quite good. I know how to dress up properly. I have my own unique style. I know the things that are bagay to me. Some people doesn’t know the term “binabagayan.”

In terms of career, oh yeah, that I can say I have something. I’m not a manager though. I’ve been an individual contributor in the past 6 years from different companies. Meron. Meganon.

How about social standing… Well, I’m not really someone that everybody knows but I do have the Miss Congeniality award. I have friends (yes, friends) from different industries and groups. Eh yung iba kasi… kakilala lang. Ako, friends ko sila. Di dahil naki-sindi sa’yo ng yosi eh close na kayo. Kaloka.

Next… equity and investments. That I don’t have yet. I do support my mom and sister, and supported my sister in college. I guess that there’s some sort of investment on that one. I was not born rich. Di ako niregaluhan na lang bigla ng kotse. I work hard for my money. My supervisor talked to me last month and showed me how to do investment banking with at least 10K. Will probably do that next year. But I am proud with whatever I have… saka wala akong utang. I used to have a credit card but decided to cut it. There’s no such thing as a credit card for emergency purposes. You save money for emergency. You work and get a good HMO. Emergency shopping doesn’t count.

Personality is also a major factor in scoring yourself. You may not have the goods but if you do good, then you score high.

Some people have said I’m more than a 7/10... and others think I'm less worthy of that grade. Either way, all of these numbers give me a headache. This is just too much math for me. Anyway, I have my number 1 already. Hehehe... I love you!

Spotted

2010-11-07T16:09:00.007+08:00

Been busy with work, spending a lot of time with my hubby, yoga 1x a week, etc. Enough about me, let’s talk about other people.

Spotted A: Seems that everyone is in a relationship these days. According to my friend, the term is.. “Umi-ina ka ha.” Umi-in-a-relationship. So who’s playing duets?

Love does exist even in the poz world. It’s Love in

the time of HIV. Cholera is sooooo 90s. FAs for my change in status.... hush hush about us... he's non-showbiz kasi. Alam mo naman ang mga inggiterong itrigerra!

Spotted B: There are 4-5 blogs talking about disclosure. What hit me most is THISB’s blog. My take on disclosure is this.

1. If you tell someone about your status, there's always a risk of them telling it to someone else. No matter how much you trust the person with your secret, there is a risk. So make sure that you are ready when it bites you back.

2. If a fellow pozzie effing tells someone about your status, that’s betrayal by breadknife. I pity that pozzie in THISB’s blog. I don’t get his motive(s) or lack thereof. I came up with a conclusion that the loud mouth pozzie is sad. A sad clown. A sad guy wearing a red Ever Bilena lipstick in his face. Cheap!

3. I know, non-pozies would want to know who’s who in the pozzie world. Cannot b

e, borrow 1. Just be safe every one.

Spotted C: Fauxbook. Another sad story about a pozzie who created 2 pseudo Facebook profiles. Pseudo profiles with hot profile pics. Unfortunately, I know whose pictures were posted in one of the profiles. Eh model kasi yun eh. So I looked at the fake profiles and analyzed it more. I studied the way the shout-outs were written. There were no tagged pictur

es, only studio shots. Another sad clown. Not sure why he needs to come up with fake profiles. Schizo-much?

Spotted D: If marunong kang mangutang, matuto ka magbayad. Sana pwede ‘to i-face-to-face. Unfortunately, mangungutang has no face.

Spotted E: Swallow. Stupid question: “If nalunok ba yung tamod, makakahawa ba?” EWWWWWWWW! Ewwww because now ko lang narinig yung term na tamod ulit. Oo na, maarte ako. Pero naman… Tamod is so ghetto. Number 2 ewwww moment… the swallow part. I never in my life swallowed cum, accidentally swallowed it, or asked someone to swallow mine. Pre-cum, yes. Cum, no. I can be dirty, but im not filthy. Oh yeah, I did not replied to

Spotted F: Oh... guess who's back in town? Hehehe. Welcome back my kababata!

So there.... busy busy busy. Everything's good. Til my next chismis. I'll have my next CD4 count in December. I'm a little excited. I hope to hit the +200 mark!

Change In Status

2010-10-24T18:42:00.003+08:00

I told myself not to go on public (i.e. in Facebook) about my relationship status. But I just can't help myself. I'm already taken. Actually... the more politically correct word is "committed."

I LOVE YOU!

Friday I'm In Love

2010-10-15T08:52:00.000+08:00

Parachute

2010-10-15T00:07:00.001+08:00

Halo Halo, Shabu Shabu

2010-10-13T06:29:00.004+08:00

Been seeing a poz guy and everything seems to be perfect. I met him May of this year in one of the gimmicks with the pozzies. I had a crush on him back then but during that time, I got all "torpe" and just decided to have fun with the group. It was a group gimmick anyway - movie, dinner and drinks.

Fast forward... I saw him online last week and invited him over my temp pad in the city.

...Skipping the details of what happened in the past few days.... Skip.... Skip.... Skip....

Everything feels right. Or is it? I dunno. I've been single for so long. Mixed feelings like halo-halo on a rainy day, like shabu-shabu on summer.

If you ask me now about me and the poz guy... my answer would be "Sana ito na nga."

Oh.... My.....

2010-10-08T01:05:00.004+08:00

The guy in the video is sooooooo hot. Drool. Anyhoo....

A lot has happened in the past few weeks. Just busy with work but will post a lot of stuff soon. Recent sexcapades (with 2 guys, with an IT guy, and with someone from a local dragon boat team); a story about a "friend;" about work; about yoga, and a lot more.

I'm still alive. And yeah, the bitch is back.... Watch out.

Kiss Kiss

2010-09-23T10:59:00.001+08:00

Quite often, people exalt their skills in a variety of things. Whether they’re good with numbers, at sports, or in the arts, they never stop talking about how good they are.

But, there is one skill I’ve never understood why people talk about: kissing.

How can a subjective skill be rated on by the individual doing the deed? Last time I remember, kissing is dependent on the POV of others.

Even if it is true, how does it happen? Not everyone is naturally talented (no matter what their over-inflated egos think). When dealing with kissing, could it be a matter of practice makes perfect: The more people you kiss, the better you are at it?

It’s not the same as people who talk about their sexual prowess. People can have lots of sex, but that means they’re whores, and nothing more. Kidding. Insert A into B. Remove A from B. Repeat. Kissing is much more complicated, with more calculations than a quadratic equation. Exponential limits even.

Of course, no one would ever admit to being a bad kisser. That’s lunacy.

So, whatever the answer (natural born talent, or smacking machine), all I have is one question: Can I get in on some practice?

Who's Your HotDaddy

2010-09-19T18:46:00.001+08:00

I'm still alive folks. Sorry, no regular updates from me. Been BUSY with work. After work, I usually just go home and hit the sack. Weekends were usually spent at home in my bed. I have a no-laptop policy when I'm at home except today. I need to check some emails from my boss who was sick last week. My bandwidth will be stretched next week. Sige lang, stretch lang ng stretch.

Last night though, I went out. I decided that before the gates of hell open next week at work, I need to go out.

And when Lucky13 goes out.... it's gonna be epic!

My day started with me hitting the gym. It's been 3 weeks since I went to the gym. I'm gaining weight but the fat and muscle distribution is all over. Ack! Gym for two hours. Todo. After working out, I took a quick shower. While I was dressing up, I noticed how big I became. Well, I mean, big in terms of body mass. Haha. And if you want to ask about that thing under my pants, it's..... hahaha.

My friend texted me and was asking me to go out and celebrate his birthday. It's been a month since I saw most of my friends. What a perfect excuse to get drunk.

Another text message. It's from "HotDaddy."

I think everyone has a mental checklist of guys they want to have sex with. I have mine. It's like a pokemon list... a pokedex right? Gotta catch them all!

A ramp/tvc/print model - check!
A stage actor - check!
A director - check! (oh yes, but it's not like he offered me a B film before having sex. lol)
A band member - open
A married guy - check! In their bed. Hahaha.
An older guy - check! He's 15years older than I am.
A student - open
A barrista - open
A doctor - open

and yes... last night... HotDaddy!

I met HotDaddy in Makati last year. I was in Powerbooks. Spotted. Guy in his 30s, laidback, clean cut, eyeing me. It was like cat and mouse around Powerbooks. Then after 20 minutes, he sat beside me. Blah blah... eventually, we ended at SBC having coffee. He's a single dad of 2 kids. After that night, after exchanging numbers, I never heard from him again. The last text I got from him back then was that he's going to Australia for work.

And now, I think HotDaddy is back... and is lonely.

I met him at his pad in Makati. His kids are on vacation. We had dinner, HotDaddy knows how to cook. And then we sat at the sofa and had wine.

Wine.... makes me either emo... or horny.

Anyway, I'm skipping the details about my sexual encounter with HotDaddy. But it was sweet and nice and sensual.... and towards the end... it was very wild. I wonder if the neighbors heard our ooooohs and ahhhhhs.

He drove me to the club. He then told me that he's going back to the US for work. And that he doesn't want to miss the opportunity of seeing me again before he leaves. Awwwww.

He gave me a big long hug and a peck on the cheek. HotDaddy is sweet.

----------------------------------------

At the club.. .same old same old. It was too crowded. Clubbing is not new to me. I've been around. Been there. Done that. Done that guy. Been in that hotspot. LOL. I saw old friends, friends who i haven't seen for the past 2-3-6 months!!!!

J, old crushie C, new crush N: "Lucky.... you look great! We miss you"
Lucky: Hugs J, Hugs C for 3 seconds, Hugs N for 5 seconds. Hehehe

J, E, K: "Ate, tumataba ka..."
Lucky: "2 weeks ko lang kayo kasama ha!?"
J: "Ok fine, healthy ka. Di ka mataba."

K: "OMG. I miss you. Di ka nagpapakita"
Lucky: "Busy with work."
K: "Fuck you"
Lucky: "Thank you."
*nice seeing you K.... hope to see E soon.

----------------------------------------

I got home around 530am. Bought lugaw for breakfast. Showered and slept. Woke up at noon. Checked my phone for messages. One came from RunningMan. "Miss you," he said. I replied, "Sorry just woke up. Yeah miss you too."

Okay, a quick update about RunningMan.

1. I haven't told him about my status.
2. He's not relationship material.
3. He has no direction in his life.
4. A lot more....

One thing I told myself when getting into relationships is to avoid, as much as possible, people who has a lot of extra baggage. A person who, in a way, knows what he wants. Oh well. It is what it is.... :)

Still Here...

2010-09-02T00:35:00.002+08:00

It’s been almost a year since I was diagnosed. Almost a year since I was hospitalized in the hospital. It’s been almost a year. A lot has changed. A lot. Not just because of my diagnosis, but because of life being mediocre. All in all… I can say that I am happy that I survived. That I am happy that I was blessed. That instead of moping around, I chose to live and be happy.

Happiness is a choice. Happiness is a decision. We choose to be sad, to be lonely, and to be apathetic. We choose ways how to be happy. We search for it. We succeed. We fail. That is how life puts us on a pedestal: Waiting for us to react on the tomatoes being thrown at us. Do we catch it or let it smash our faces? Regardless if one was diagnosed with HIV, with Cancer, or living a healthy life. Happiness is not something that just happens. You choose, you decide.

It’s been almost a year. Last night, I took step back and checked where my life is right now. Where am I going? What am I doing? I decided that I would like to take stock of what I have created and not created. What I have achieved and not achieved and what needs to be done. Am I at peace with myself? Am I ready to take on the world and seek new challenges? Am I.....am I......am I. Maybe I should not be thinking too hard and let the heart do the talking again....

I sometimes hide behind my smiles and silly gestures. I take quick glances while I think eyes cannot see and when I'm done, I turn away before those eyes catch me being me. Eyes and lips, they are like Medusa's stare turning simple things to stone like words that bruise emotion and crush the soul. Keeping things tucked away till they escape in ink upon my paper and then through my fingers via the machine in "0"'s and "1"'s. Yes sometimes, I want to scream so people will notice me for more than my stature and talents, to scream and let them know that I am living with the virus. Do not get me wrong. I already accepted the fact that I have HIV. I just wish that the social stigma will disappear.

Amid all the stings and joys of life, I asked myself, “Do I know who I truly am?” I think that it’s more important to know ones identity. It’s not a question of sexuality, of race, of social status. For me, it’s always a question of identity. The totality of oneself. A holistic approach and not just bits and pieces of one’s personality.

I am the sum of every year, every month, every day, every hour, every minute and every second of my own life. Each moment that I breathe is another moment to take in each blessing I received. Through my eyes, my mind takes pictures of everything I see. My ears hear and my mind records. I am the sum of everything that is around me. Life is what I’ve made of it but it’s also a part of the influence about me. My life is what I made it so far.

Through the trials of life, I want to stand strong and grow in stature that I must pass through the trials of fire that we all must pass through. I am not asking for more trials to walk through because I know that more hardships will come before me. But life always put me up on the pedestal. Without them, I cannot be shaped into a better man; my character cannot be made more solid. There is in each refiner's fire, a beauty that touches our lives. Each flame burns away the rough edges and when those fires are quenched I am left a different man. The fires burned away at each rough edge until what was left was, is a glimmer of shiny metal, that now shines above it all. Around me, the heat of flames has been quenched and the pains of the trial have been soothed. If I must pass through again, then I will be stronger still. For being stronger is the only choice that I have left.

But am I happy. In general, I am.

I often wonder what people are thinking, those that find out about me and those who just think they know about me. Do the people who just think they know about me act differently around me then those who know about me? Do those who think they know about me see me as a threat? I wonder how many people create instant assumptions about me without taking the time to get to know me.

Somewhere between here and there, there sits a bridge that once crossed is gone for good. . There isn't any middle ground between here and there. You're either here or there.

And yes, it’s been almost a year… and I’m still here.

Better, Better, Better

2010-08-25T22:58:00.004+08:00

While some people are born beautiful, others get beauty thrust upon them in the way of hair, makeup, lighting, and a good photographer. Then, there’s me. No amount of good genes, thrusting, hair/makeup/lighting/photographer combo can make me into a cover model. A mowdel.

Seems like these days, everyone has their photos taken by professional and wannabe photographers. Anyway...

When dealing with my appearance, it takes a lot of effort just to look like me...

There’s the washing, scrubbing, shaving, exfoliating, moisturizing, tweezing, threading, squeezing, brushing, combing, and smoothing. And, that’s just a couple of things I do to my head. I won’t even describe what happens below the neck (although you can imagine).

There is so much work to be done and so little time to do it all. Lord knows I'll never be smokin' hot. Especially with what I have to deal with thanks to my HIV state.

But weeks ago, a pozzie friend saw me at the club.

"Ang kinis mo na! And you're getting leaner."

My rash marks are 95% gone, my skin is fairer, I'm almost 130lbs, and I feel much better. It's been almost a year since I was diagnosed. I look better than ever. I look... MAJOR MAJOR!

I think that this is my year. Better job. Better health. Better me! As for Running Man, better luck next time. I'm not gonna push through with him anymore. No progress. I may be the one with HIV, but he's more crippled than I am.

So... hello boys... come and get me!

Career

2010-08-19T23:56:00.004+08:00

RuPaul - Supermodel
Uploaded by StudioZero. - See the latest featured music videos.

A career should be more than a job, but a sense of self.

When I graduated from college, I was not looking for a job; I wanted a career. Why did I spend all that time in school if I wasn’t going to get something out of it?

Yeah, I may have been around but my expertise and skill sets always fits any company, any industry. And I have an end state - to be an expert in project management.

Right now, my new job keeps me very busy.I usually work 10-12 hours a day, 5-days a week. I told myself that I can do overtime at the office but my weekends are MY WEEKENDS. I have a great boss who is from the UK who helps me further develop my skills. I talk directly to Senior executives and to our clients. And in just close to three weeks since I started working, I helped a pozzie get hired into one of our projects.

I am back on track on my career.

This time, I don't need to convince myself every time I wake up to move my ass just to get to the office and "work" like in my previous job.

Yeah.. maybe it is still premature, it's been less than month since I started. But like what I told my boss when he asked me how I'm doing... i told him... So far so good!

On the flip side, I miss some of my friends. I told myself that it's all about work from M-F. Sundays with family. Saturdays with friends but I usually can't get hold of them. I cut myself off from Facebook and YM when I'm at work. I need to focus.

I'm already 27 and I need to be at least in middle management by 30. Friends (real friends, not just gimmick friends) will always be there. I haven't seen my best friend for about 6 months because he was busy as well with work, he's a junior executive at the age of 25! My career idol.

I'll see you guys around. Priorities first.

Work! Sashay, shanté!

------------------------------

Oooooh.... By the way.... Pozzie Bloggers Meet and Greet... When do you want to have it. Preferably Sunday. I'll text you guys.

Watch Me Burn

2010-08-07T17:21:00.003+08:00

"I can't tell you what it really is. I can only tell you what it feels like."

Haven't told him about my status yet. Will he still be with me. Will he "love" the way I lie?

Pause on Promiscuity

2010-07-29T01:08:00.000+08:00

Running Man: I have this feeling that you had a promiscuous past.

Lucky: To be honest, yes. Add it up in my list... partee boy, bitch, and now... promiscuous

Running Man: I still don't mind... What's important is who you are today.... right?

Lucky: (kinilig)

I was a little promiscuous in the good old days. But my promiscuity to date... I guess... is slowing down. I have my limits. And I am not getting any younger.

...I once became someone's number 2. Without me knowing.

...I made out with my best friend. Not just once. Not twice. Not 3x. I think we did it 5x. In our defense, we were just under the influence of drugs. Both of us were mature enough to understand that it was just a kiss.

...I had sex with a married guy. In their bed. With their wedding picture in the night table.

Okay, okay... Too much information. I had... HAD... lived a promiscuous life. I want to take a "lighter" route. I'm not saying that I'll be one altar boy but I am putting a hiatus on my promiscuity. Need to prioritize on my health, relationship with people, my new work... and with Running Man. Yes. Running Man is on my list. Not equally important but still important.

Lalo na ngayon, tag-ulan. Ang daming palaka. At pagod na pagod na ako humalik sa mga palakang di naman nagiging prinsipe.

I am promiscuous... but like everyone else... I am fragile.

Running Man

2010-07-27T02:30:00.001+08:00

Running Man and I had our first official date last weekend. No expectations whatsoever. I did not considered our first meet up as a date since all we did was make out and get intoxicated.

We met up before 7pm in Makati, we were supposed to watch the 730pm screening of Inception but all the seats were already taken. We bought tickets for the 930pm screening instead. With hours to kill, we decided to get 1 round of drinks first, thinking that being tipsy while watching Inception would be really interesting.

We ordered our drinks and talked... yes.... we talked. That's what I value most when on a date. We exchanged stories, about our own lives, our friends, our family. Even talked about past relationships. They say that you shouldn't talk about your ex's on a date. In a gay guy's world, I think it's okay. Time flew and we got back to the movie house for the movie.

+Points... a guy who knows how to have good conversation without any drama...

He's a great movie buddy. We both like watching trailers. Hahaha. Then the movie started. He grabbed my right hand....

+Points... a guy who's not afraid to hold my hand in the cinema.

After the movie, he asked me if I want to come with him and meet his friends. His straight non-homophobic friends. He said he wants me to meet them.

+Points... a guy who let's me in into his world.

I usually do good around other people. I met his friends who were already drunk. Nice bunch of hags and stags. Had 3 shots of tequila in less than an hour. Hmmmm... is this sort of a right of passage? Hahaha. We transfered to a club to get some much needed dancing, still with his friends. At the club... still... more booze. I got more comfortable hanging out with his friends.

Every now and then, Running Man comes to my side and hugs me.

+Points... sweet!

One by one, his friends left. 5 of us stayed and finished our drinks. A number of people still dancing at the club. Running man and I had a small chit-chat, asking me if I had fun. I said yes and that I was glad that he invited me to meet and party with his friends. Then, he just kissed me.... IN A STRAIGHT CLUB.

++++++Points!!!

We left the club and had breakfast. After breakfast, he waited for me to get a cab. I wished that we can spend the morning together but both of us were tired and sleepy. A cab stopped in front of us. We said our goodbyes. Then he gave me a kiss on the lips.

++++++Points!!!

Got home and slept with a smile on my face. Such a sweet guy. A guy who's comfortable with his sexuality, who's not afraid to show how he feels. I then found out that I was the first guy that he kissed in front of his friends, the first guy that he kissed along the streets of Makati. He might be making bola but you know what, I don't care.

When I'm with him, I can be me. I can be loud, be playful, be a little bitch. I can be me. And that's big points for running man.

But the next question is.... will he still accept me and continue to see me when he finds out that I am HIV positive? Or will he live up with his pseudo name... will he run away?

Away from me or with me?

I haven't decided yet on when to tell him. So far, what we have is a little serious. We've been seeing each other for just about a week or so. It's still early and we're not rushing things. No sex yet, we haven't even talked about it. Don't know where we're heading. Again, no rush. Right now, we like each other. Not "just like" but "like" each other. You know?

Let's just wait and see what happens next...

If The Shoe Fits

2010-07-23T02:02:00.000+08:00

Some people are happy being single. Some are not. Some are okay that they are single but they still long for that knight in shiny tiara. All all, I think no one wants to be alone.

Some people that I know, friends and frenemies, whine that there are few people out there that meet their standards, some complain about their relationship status in Facebook. One minute they want to be serious, the next minute, they go out on a hunt and fuck some random stranger.

In other words, they’re not lonely. They’re horny. They want to get off. It’s an endorphin rush. And when the rush dissipates, they’ll feel alone again. This cycle continues until, one day, they’ve turned 40 and are still alone.

I understand how they feel because I’ve been single for most of my life. What I don’t understand is the complaining. I know it’s hard, but I work at it and don’t sit on my ass waiting for things to happen.

You sometimes get lucky, you sometimes get rejected. If the shoe fits right? Keep on dating until you find someone who you like, change your criteria, or just shut the fuck up because no one wants to hear about your relationship status because there are many other people in the same situation. Like me.

It's okay if you go emo for a few minutes. It's normal for single gay guys. I have my moments. But do not make it a habit. Don't sound so desperate.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Running Man and I decided to have our first official date this weekend. It's a trial run. No major expectations whatsover. A date should be fun and hassle free. Sex free? Yeah... sex will have to wait. There is something really interesting about Running Man that I want to check out first. Let's see if the shoe fits :)

Fuzz

2010-07-18T22:52:00.002+08:00

With a few more bum-days left, my schedule was packed with gimmicks, parties and last-hurrah-celebrations. Unfortunately, the gloomy weather was not very cooperative. But hell with the rain, a party won't be a party without Lucky making a big scene.

I attended an old friend's birthday party. As far as I know, my friend has two types of friends... the we-know-we-are-gay group and the di-ako-bakla-sino-bakla-pero-bottom-kami-lahat group. I belong to the fun side, the group who is comfortable to say "chorva" without flinching. I decided to wear some skinny, skimpy, and a little more fashion forward outfit just to irritate the peppercorns. It worked... and I can read it in their shallow thought-balloons (what is he wearing?). Seriously, plaid polo is too 90's these days. I rather wear a skirt than be caught wearing a table cloth.

Next... I plugged in my iPod to play handbag tunes. But this step failed. The peppercorns love love love Kylie Minogue and Agnes. Ikaw na ang pamintang nadurog!

Step 3... I have no problems staring at people and give them a condescending look. It makes them feel a little uncomfortable. My friend and I played the dumb blonde role as well. But they fought back with their own brand of conyo language. Unfortunately, their conyo slang lacks the true essence of a true conyo... Ang totoong conyo at sosyal, kahit tag-lish, correct ang grammar. Susmiyo... their style is more of jejeconyo.

At one point during the night, a familiar guy entered the party... un-glamorously drunk and kept on blurting "Bro, I'm drunk." He then had a quick chit-chat with his "bros" about some guy outing him out.

Sa lagay nyang yan di pa sya out? I know this guy, his exes, his past dates, his kalandian. Not sure why he was so shocked about the general gay public's knowledge of his sexuality.

Anyway... I got tired of "testing" them so I decided to chug vodka and get a few shots of tequila. I did not noticed that most of my friends already left the party. It's now me vs the peppercorns.

I then texted Running Man.

Running Man and I have been texting for almost a month. Haven't seen each other yet but I think we can really hit it off. I asked him to join me at the party. He arrived and I immediately gave him a shot or two of tequila. And then... we made out in the center of the room. PDA at its finest.

What was I thinking? Wiat... what's this guy's name again? Oh yeah, just enjoy the kiss bitch and make a big fuzz. Hmmmm... he smells nice.

After a minute or so making out. We laughed. End scene.

An hour or so, the guests left the hotel one by one. I asked my friend if Running Man and I can stay over til check-out time and he said yes. We were already in bed, cuddling, and ready to sleep til two friends came in and brought a half-empty bottle of tequilla. More shots? Oh shit.

I took the shot glass, took a slice of lemon, and took a pinch of salt... Now now... where to put the salt? In the shot glass (classic)? In the lemon (schuchal)? In Running Man's skin (weeeeeeeh)? My friend was shocked with the body shot. Running Man did the same thing to me. He was more adventurous than I am, he pulled my shirt up and put the salt in my nip area. Oh.Em.Gee. Yes... there was another show at 5am in the morning.

While my two friends were busy discussing their previous affairs, Running Man and I made out while laying in bed. Still with our clothes on. Medyo wholesome pa din since every now and then, we giggled while making out. Ang landi lang diba?

Finally, at 7am, my two friends decided to give the tequila shots a rest (kasi naubos na namin yung tequila). They went outside and found an empty sofa bed and slept. I locked the bedroom doors behind them.

(Bedroom scene deleted, no MTRCB rating yet)

So there... I made a big fuzz, a big scene at my friend's party.

It was fun, the beat was sick. Did Lucky took a ride on his disco stick?

So when's the next party you bitches? :p

Update Up Late

2010-07-13T01:00:00.000+08:00

It's been almost two weeks since I updated this blog. Been busy these past few days - meeting friends, working on my pre-employment requirements, partying and munching on anything within reach. For now I'll just write a quick update on what's been happening to me. I know you miss me... xoxo

Hired. After months of bum-ness, I finally got a job. It was not my dream job but I need to be practical and realistic. I don't want to burn my savings just bumming around. I just need to submit and finish my pre-employment requirements so I can start before this month ends. The position is very interesting. I asked X about how challenging the work would be and he said that it will be stressful yet will work on my advantage. In the past 6 years of working, regardless of what type of industry, I stay true to my expertise. With this new job, it will further enhance my skill set. I plan to be in middle management in the next 5 years. No more slacking off.

Friends. After I signed my employment contract, I met up with Kofiboy for dinner and coffee. It was sort of a double celebration since both of us will start on our new work this month. We had headed to Jalapeno in Home Depot for dinner then we had coffee at Starbucks. I then met up with X for some drinks then head home. I looked at my calendar and saw that I have less than 15 days of bumming around.

Day-Off. A day-off in my bum life consists of having a facial, a massage, a manicure, a pedicure and a haircut. Nice noh?

Birthday Pre-Planning. Months from now I'll be celebrating my twenty-xth birthday. I want a big celebration this time with all the glitz and glams and boys. A Mardi Gras weekend. Watch out watch out... the bitch is back! I need an escort though. Application ongoing.

So there... need to hit the sack. More updates to come. I'm back you bitches!

Sorry

2010-07-02T00:23:00.006+08:00

There are things that I am sorry about... the list grows... by one or a few items. Their importance and relevance range from the tiny to the titanic.

Some people carry the hurt with them while others carry on. With forgiveness come apologies. The cycle continues and this vicious cycle never ends. For now.... let me give a big shout out to those that I hurt in the past....

I am sorry...

Wait

2010-06-29T18:01:00.003+08:00

Life is filled with journeys - metaphorically and literally - of seemingly limitless destinations and differing degrees of distances. Many of us, however, have eyes firmly set at the eventual point. the end of the line. For the past couple of months, I started to value the importance of waiting. The status of being in-between; neither at the point of origin nor the destination.

Nothing really happened. It was just life going on, I guess. A more timid pace.

It's funny how after a certain moment of conscious inactivity, life suddenly beckons despite the lack of initiation. The last couple of weeks have shown this. Not only have I been made to be more organized, to plan and to prioritize, but also to realize those things that I've been a while procrastinating about.

And that lies the simple reason and the important lesson I place in waiting. Nothing is valued so preciously in this life than for that thing which has been long pined for. After all, what kind of worth has something if handed on a silver platter and so easily attained.

---------------------------------------------

Last night I met up with X after my final interview with Company Y. I then found out that he works for company Y, that we have a handful of common friends, that we were both from the same province, etc. Like any other meet-ups that I had with newbie pozzies (bloggers and non-bloggers), I was quite excited to know his journey in the glitz and glamorous poz life.

We had a couple of drinks while dishing our own stories. It was a good 3 hour talk with X. We'll catch up again soon.. and yes... with booze!

Pursuit

2010-06-27T18:46:00.004+08:00

I was at the 9th Malate White party last night and to be honest, it was my first Malate white party. It may not seem like it but I am actually a sort-of newbie clubber. I started going to clubs, events and parties just 4 years ago and... I was never a Malate boy. I was a Makati baby. Yeah there is a difference.... My "gay-ness" was not socially induced by the streets of Orosa and Nakpil, but with the lights and traffic of Makati. I only started my Malate night outs late last year.

Anyway, last night had a "palengke" atmosphere. There's the dry section, the wet section, the sariwa and the panis. The nagmamaganda, the maganda, the pa-pam-pam, the paminta (achoo), the addicts (sex and/or drug addicts that is). The fags, fag-hags and fag-stags. A number of familiar faces here and there.

I received a number of "EB" proposals that night. Most of them want to hook-up with me at the event, some wants to go drinking, a couple wants some hot-sex after the party. But after all the glitz and glamour and the basang kili-kili, I got to my usual snob-bitch mood.

After the performances at the corner of Orosa-Nakpil, I hanged-out with some pozzies. E, BITCH, N, C, etc. We then decided to go to a club but ack... the line was too long. Fortunately for me, I'm a club VIP so I left them in line while I went inside for some A/C.

Inside I met up with friend and chit-chatted for a while. Saw some clubbing buddies as well. Then I got a txt message from someone who wants to meet up. What the hell, might as well meet some of them for the night, I don't want to disappoint my fans (yeah, aside from being ang snobby-bitch, I was feeling a little conceited that night).

I met up with the guy... my memory was kinda lost. 1) I don't know how he got my number and 2) I can't remember ever chatting with him from Facebook. I was not really in the mood for some lip-locking action so I played it cool. Sweaty-steamy sex is good but making out in a pawis-ang-kili-kili state is gross.

Oiliness is next to poverty folks.

Finally, the pozzies made it inside but E was not with them. I guess E was booked for the night.

One by one, the pozzies left. I then met up with old friends and a former fling. Most of them haven't seen me for quite sometime. It was nice seeing them again and they were happy that I was gaining weight. Yes... again... me... conceited.

It was already 630am. We had breakfast first. All of them looked banged up with too much alcohol while I maintain my sobriety. Yes.... zero alcohol that night.

I took a piss before we left Malate. Then... at broad daylight... this guy had a quick pass on me at the men's room. Oh well, might as well give him what he wants. We kissed briefly.

It was a so-so night.

On my way home, my mind fluttered way way back my old clubbing nights. I cut down of alcohol, smoking and my gimmicks which I think was a result not because of my poz status but of me growing old. But I am not saying buh-bye yet to the clubs just yet. I'm just finding better ways of spending my weekends like pigging-out, etc. In pursuit with better and finer things in life.

Which reminds me... since I've been more than 2 weeks sober... I want to go drinking at Barcino. Anyone? Please? A glass or two? :)

It Floods

2010-06-22T19:00:00.003+08:00

Since last week, good news just started pouring in. When it rains, it floods right?

1. Well to kick things off, a CD4 of 85 last Tuesday.

2. I had a number of interviews with good companies. I did great with company X unfortunately, my asking price is too high. I have my follow-up interview with company Y this Thursday.

3. I received a text message last night from a friend asking me if I am available this Saturday to "work" for them for an event (one of the biggest events in the Manila Gay Scene). This is the biggest break that I am waiting for.

4. I'm gaining more and more muscle weight. I look good in v-neck shirts now. I have pecs! I have arms! I have a nice ass! Teehee! 3 months of working out paid off. I still want to bulk up though.

5. Finally, my back-pay will be available next week.

So there... some updates. See you around bitches!

Just Got Lucky

2010-06-15T22:13:00.005+08:00

I was unable to get enough sleep last night, excited to take my 2nd CD4 test. I think I dozed off around 2am while exchanging messages with Kofiboy.

I woke up around 7am. Still groggy and a little drugged with my EFV but I need to rush rush rush. CD4 tests were conducted until 10am only. I also need to prepare for a job interview somewhere in Bicutan.

Wish 1 granted.... no rain. I love the rain but I hate it when my shoes get wet.

I arrived around 9am. 3 pozzies were there already... no familiar pozzies in sight. Quick chit chats with Ate Ana. She said I was looking good, gained weight, and that someone was looking for me last week...

I was a little intrigued about the guy. Ate Ana said that the guy was about 5'4, cute... and a non-pozzie. She said that the guy asked for me. Hmmm... Who's this guy? SINO KA MAGPAKILALA KA.... I'm keeping a low profile these days about my poz status. Da who?!

Anyway... i got my test requests and went to the clinical lab. 4 vials of blood were extracted. 1 for CBC, 1 for CD4, 1 for VL and another one for... uhm... i forgot.

After the test, I went back to Ate Ana. Ate Shola arrived, it was her birthday. Ate Shola has been living with HIV for the past 18 or 19 years already.... and her boobies are still intact. Happy birthday Ate Shola!

I visited the lounge area and said hello to Ate Ellen and Roslyn. There were around 4 pozies at the lounge. Seems that it's a slow Tuesday at the Hills after all.

I left RITM before noon because I need to go to Bicutan for my job interview but then decided to cancel it. It will take me a combination of 5-6 jeep+trike+bus ride before I get there IF I get the job. I went to Jabi and had brunch instead.

It was 1pm. The test results will be out around 5ish. I can actually go home and rest but decided to stay around Alabang. I promised Papi that I will visit his new salon, promised to meet up with E as well.

Since I have time to spare, I watched The Killers... Ashton Kutcher is hawt!

After the movie, 2 pozzie friends called me up and asked me if I want to hitch a ride going to Papi's salon. We met up around 4pm and went to the salon.

The salon was simple yet fab. My friends left me there because they need to go meet up other pozies in Megamall. Papi was still on his way, and so was E. It was already 430pm so I called Ate Ana...

Lucky: Ate Ana!

Ate Ana: Ano yun?

Lucky: Ate Ana!!!

Ate Ana: Ano nga yun???

Lucky: ATE ANNNAAAA!!!!

Ate Ana: Congrats. It's now 85!

To celebrate... i got a foot spa and a pedicure... Then Papi and E arrived shortly. E and I left the salon around 7ish.

From 13 to 85. Well, it could actually be higher than 85 but I have no regrets whatsoever with my new number. Yes, I could have just stayed at home and lock myself up in the past 7 months. Yes, I could have stopped drinking and do a cold turkey on my ciggs. Yes, I could have started going back to the gym a little early.

But no.... i didn't. Why? Because I just don't want to. Call me stubborn but I'm just a normal person like anyone. And I don't want to make false promises of quitting and stopping all my vices in a blink of an eye. I'm cutting it down - alcohol, ciggs and gimmicks. But not all at once. At my own pace folks...

85 is my new number but 13 will always be there. A reminder that I just got lucky surviving with a CD4 of 13.

Som's

2010-06-14T20:18:00.000+08:00

I was out with Kofiboy last Saturday. We had dinner at Som's.

First... about Som's.... not really that great. Pwede na if gutom ka... but it really lacks the authenticity of Thai cuisine. We ordered bagoong rice, red curry, pad thai and thai milk tea. While having dinner, I found out that Kofiboy stopped eating red meat.

Maselan... lol.

After Som's, we walked... yes... we walked.... from Som's to A.venue for some coffee. We passed by manang who lives in a push cart with her family and gave her our left overs.... chicken pad thai, shrimp pad thai, and the red curry. Good deed for the night. And no food goes to waste.

We had coffee from 10pm til 2am. Talked about our lives, about work, etc. Talked about people and bitched about them. Talked about past dates. Talked about our old promiscuous lives.

We decided to go for a walk... yes... we walked again... from A.venue to Ayala ave. It was a long walk. Passed by a group a trannies teasing us, a building fumigating (kofiboy... hindi sya fog), then finally to Ayala.

Another fun date with Kofiboy. I've been with a lot of friendly dates. You dine, have coffee, and just talk no-non-sense. I love love learning about other people's lives. I'm not chismosa... i'm just.... "socially concerned" about their twisted lives. LOL.

Every one is twisted in their own little way. Pozzie or non-pozzie.

Changes

2010-06-11T20:00:00.003+08:00

If there's one thing that is constant, it's change. I am a true believer that people can actually change, about 75% of the time. Change does not happen overnight. Mistakes happen.

Change doesn't happen too often in my staid life, but when it does, watch out. The alterations are huge, as if a whole new world is opening up.

After learning about my HIV status, slowly, I have come across a period of change. Instead of being scared of the unknown, I look at it as a moment when I have an opportunity to look at my life and see what I want to make of it. It's now or never.

Even when I read my horoscope, it said I needed to remove any old baggage (physical and psychological) from my life to start anew. Of course, horoscopes are always right, especially when they tell you want you want to know.

And, that's exactly what I did. Gone were certain elements of my past that were hindering my future. It’s time for a fresh start and new beginnings.

Chasing Cars

2010-05-28T18:35:00.002+08:00

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world

There are songs which are irrevocably linked with joyous moments of our lives. Whether it’s a birth, a wedding, or a celebration of any sort, the combination of music and lyrics has a magical effect on our senses.

But, sometimes they’re bittersweet in their meaning.

Whenever this song comes on the radio, I keep my finger close to the button that changes the station. For those few minutes, my heart visits the past. I listen to the song for as long as I can stand, without breaking inside. As it plays, my mind begins to count the memories, hoping the good ones outnumber the bad.

Before the song ends, I press the button to change the channel. Inevitably, I need to finish the song before it finishes with me. And, I don’t want to hurt, anymore.

Let’s waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

For several years, I haven’t been able to listen to the song “Chasing Cars” by Snow Patrol because of its association of someone I know/knew. Whenever the first notes emitted from a speaker, I’d turn it off.

One day, I heard the song blaring from within a storefront at the mall. I couldn’t turn it off and I didn’t care. It was the first time I could hear the song without wanting to hope for a case of short-term deafness.

I had moved on and was in a happier place in my life. No longer did I associate the song with that someone I know/knew. I kept on walking at the mall, the florescent lighting shined in my face and I smiled because I knew it no longer affected me the way it did before. I moved on.

But... I think I am falling for another car crash. This time, I have my seat belt on. I learned from my past that I should take good care of myself and just enjoy the ride. No expectations. But reality is, my heart is stubborn.

Kofi

2010-05-24T20:10:00.002+08:00

After almost 4 months, Kofiboy and I met up for another coffee date. Kofiboy and I met last January, he was a newbie pozzie, someone who reads my blog, and someone smart that I can actually have an adult conversation with. We talked about work, the poz community, Greenbelt boys, workout plans, and our trip in the beach in June! I’m really excited to have one last hurrah at the beach before this freakishly hot summer ends.

After 2 hours of just talking about anything, Kofiboy and I decided to leave the coffee shop. He needs to go to work while I need to submit my clearance in our main office in Makati. He waited ‘til I get a cab, patted each other in the back and gave each other a quick hug, and bid our ‘see you soons.’ It was really great seeing you Kofiboy!

Got to Makati and submitted my papers. Finally I was done working on my clearance. According to payroll, I’ll get my pay-out in 4weeks. Won’t be getting heaps of cash but it’s enough to cover my expenses until the end of the year or so. I really don’t want to use it, I need to save it in case of emergency.

Was supposed to attend a big party last Friday night but decided not to. Was supposed to meet up with K and some other friends at the party but texted them that I won’t make it. Was tired, was not on the mood. And besides, I don’t want to get myself in a state of “giyang” at the party. I also promised E that I won’t attend the event.

Instead of partying and dancing, I went to McDonald’s. After which, I popped my pills and was on a state of grogginess on the way home. Took a long shower before hitting the sack.

Tonight...

2010-05-21T17:03:00.000+08:00

...i will dance!

The Art Of War

2010-05-20T18:49:00.006+08:00

Do you ever think, when you’re all alone
All that we could be, where this thing could go
Am I crazy or falling in love
Is it really just another crush

Do you catch a breath, when I look at you
Are you holding back, like the way I do
Cause I’m trying, try to walk away
But I know this crush ain’t going away, going away

This song plays in my head whenever I fall in crush. Sadly, it's on auto-repeat. It's chronic. It happens with almost anyone who gives me the slightest bit of attention… or money (lol).

I hope that he can see me more than just a friend. I have this chronic condition of befriending my crushies before asking them out on a date. I know, don't be friends with your prospects. But I just can't help it. A good relationship starts with two people being good friends. I know, I watch too much chick flicks. Oh well.

I was texting 46479 last night and told him about my little dilemma. He said that I should tell my crush and take the risk. I told him that I need time, that I need to plan it out first. The art of love is like the art of war... you first need to know your enemy, in this instance, my enemy is my crush.

"It is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will not be imperiled in a hundred battles; if you do not know your enemies but do know yourself, you will win one and lose one; if you do not know your enemies nor yourself, you will be imperiled in every single battle." - Sun Tzu, The Art Of War

I'm taking my time before I go to war. I don't want to get beaten, get hurt. Like what I said in my previous post, I'm not in a rush.

Solo

2010-05-19T20:53:00.004+08:00

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. You are the guy who'll decide where to go." - Dr. Seuss

I am not an easy way out kind of guy. I am not complicated either. I know that things don’t come easily to me, and that this is just my fate. My cards have been dealt; it’s up to me to know when to fold them, know when to hold them, know when to walk away and know when to win.

I’ve been single for more than 3 years. My friends’ would say that I am choosy when it comes to dating guys but for me, it’s finding a good enough candidate... and forcing it to happen. I go out on dates with minimal expectations, unfortunately, there’s no clear match just yet.

Yes, I whine about me being single but the truth is, I am not in a rush. And you absolutely cannot rush me; I take my time. I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve. I traveled the path of least resistance because I wanted to put an end to the endless barrage of questions.

In a way, I am self-sufficient. I am an entire person by myself.

I don’t know much about where my life is headed; I have ideas, dreams, and goals, but there is one thing I know is true. I’ll only find love when it is already a part of my life.

Mono

2010-05-12T01:45:00.002+08:00

Currently, I live a monotonous life. I am tired. I am bored. It started way before I lost my job. It started way back.

As much as I try to escape monotony, I am in a way, trapped. I just can't do it right now... I need to get a new job before I can work on living a new life. I started looking for a new job weeks ago. I don’t want to go back in the call center industry where there is no much room for growth. I want to go travel. And live my life once more.

Sometimes I hope I could just leave everything behind and try to live a "normal" life, a better life.

But now, I face everything on my own. Sure, I have my friends and family, but I cannot burden them with my troubles. I can whine. But I don’t want to explode.

I look into the future, and I get scared. What will I be in the next five years? Where will I live? Where will I be working? Who will be my new friends? Will I be buff? Will I be fat? Will I have a partner? Will there be a cure?

Everything is unsure. All depends on how I would see things in time and that's what's scary.
If someone asked me if I were happy, it would take me as much as a minute before I could reply. Right now, generally I am happy. I have my happy days and emo nights. All in all, I guess I'm just... coping. Adapting with the change. Doing the same things everyday is making my mind numb. And dumb. Lately, no one has ever told me I was smart. Or that I talk sense.

Anyone can predict my day. At this point, I cannot complain. I chose this life. I could've done something else. I could've chosen to go the other way. But I didn’t. In a way it was by choice and by a series of unfortunate of events that lead me to live a monotonous life.

In retrospect, my life was always unplanned. Every decision was almost made spontaneously. Everything was crazy. A crazy life is better than a monotonous life.

High Maintenance

2010-05-10T23:56:00.003+08:00

Out of the list of adjectives people use to describe me, the one that always bothers me (beside skinny) is when they say I'm high maintenance.

The Urban Dictionary defines "High Maintenance" as

Requiring a lot of attention. When describing a person, high-maintenance usually means that the individual is emotionally needy or prone to over-dramatizing a situation to gain attention

I am not high maintenance!

What I think they mean (but can't put into words), is that I know what I want, I know what I like, and I know what works and what doesn't. That isn't being high maintenance, that's being practical. For years, I've whittled down the crap, and streamlined everything. That includes my morning routine and the way I run my life.

I just don't get it why people see me as someone who is Superficial, High Maintenance... and to add another adjective, a bitch.

People should start working on their vocabulary. Seriously.

Dear HIV

2010-05-07T00:18:00.004+08:00

There is no way to get rid you from my life. No one knows just yet. At this point, I know you’ll never leave me, I know; always promising, or threatening, that no matter where I go, or for how long, you’ll always be there. “I’m inside you,” you’ve whispered. I’ve cried behind closed doors, though I tell myself it has nothing to do with you. I don’t tell anyone you’re the reason I’m most often upset. I mask my pain; afraid of rapid fire questioning that will surely follow.

You never removed your ice cold grip from me, even when I sleep. You steal from me, and hurt me on purpose. I’m afraid of you, what you’ll do to me.

You’re my secret; dirty little and deep dark. I protect you, refusing to speak your name. I conceal your identity from those around me. You remind me, “No one will understand. You’ll be pigeonholed and stereotyped.” You pretend to have my best interests at heart, but I know you just want to keep me all to yourself. You’ll suffocate me.

You're my secret. Dark and Twisty.

After 6 Months....

2010-05-06T00:33:00.006+08:00

"The best color in the whole world is the one that looks good on you."
-Coco Chanel

It usually takes me an hour or so to prepare before going out of the house. I will pick 2-3 outfits before finally deciding on what to wear. It takes 5-10minutes to style my hair. I powder my nose a little (oiliness is next to poverty), I put on my kiehl's lipgloss/stain. I make sure that my fingernails are clipped and clean. I stare at the mirror, stare at my face, stare at my outfit, at my ass, twirl, then leave the house.

I make it a point that, at the very least, I look presentable. On days/nights that I go out with friends or out on a date, I make an effort to be more than just presentable. Even if the theme for the night just calls for a plain shirt and jeans ensemble, I accessorize. Sue me, I'm gay.

But I am not superficial.

Superficial means shallow, a no-brainer. I may be insensitive and a little out of touch with reality (aka eccentric), but I am not. Funny how some people can describe a person by just looking at them and tag them as superficial. Those people should get a dictionary and figure out what the word means first before using it. Kaloka.

Going back.... I was never gifted with good bone structures, high cheek bones, square jaw line, muscular built... I am not one of Belo's creations. I lost weight when I got sick last year. I remember weighing at 105lbs last September (I'm 5'7"). Then thanks to Nevi and Cotri, rashes spread all over my body. I had a bad case of sepderm in my face, dandruff, and hair fall, thanks to my low cd4. It's been 6 months since I got out of the hospital.... Now I'm at 120lbs, a little leaner. I'm 15lbs away from my target weight. The rash marks are almost gone. No more sepderm. No more danruff. No more hair fall.

When you look good, you feel good. When you feel good, your CD4 increases. When your CD4 increases, BONGGA!

It's been 6 months and I'm doing better. Was supposed to get my CD4 checked this May but they moved it to June. They want to check my new CD4 6-months after I started taking my anti-retrovirals. I have one more month to further boost it up. More gym time, more time with the pozies for some laughs, etc.

All is well... All is well...

Eccentric Pozzie Boy

2010-05-04T01:01:00.001+08:00

When people ask about my personality, I usually tell them that I am eccentric. I am not the typical, I am not that normal.. I am weird.

According to Wikipedia, there are eighteen distinctive characteristics that differentiate a healthy eccentric person from a regular person or someone who has a mental illness (although some may not always apply). The first five are in most people regarded as eccentric:

Nonconforming attitude (CHECK)
Creative (CHECK)
Intense Curiosity (aka Chismosa? LOL... CHECK)
Idealistic (hmmm.. slight CHECK)
Happy Obsession with a hobby or hobbies (CHECK)
Known very early in his childhood they were different from others (CHECK)
Highly intelligent (Promil Kid... CHECK)
Opinionated and outspoken (not sure about this one though... lol... CHECK)
Unusual living or eating habits (ay this one is not true to me)
Not interested in the opinions or company of others (not true, I love criticisms...)
Mischievous sense of humor (Uhmmmm.... hehehehe)
Single (DON'T RUB IT IN!)
Usually the eldest or an only child (Eldest... CHECK)

So based on this list, I got 17/18 which makes me a healthy eccentric pozzie boy.

I accept and love my eccentricity. It makes me a stronger person. Makes me adapt at unusual situations that our school system was unable to prepare us to handle and manage. It also helps me to get out of depression, out of sadness, out of slitting my wrist.

Mediocre

2010-04-29T12:58:00.004+08:00

I sometimes wonder if it would be better to just suck at one thing, than simply be average. After all, if you are the worst, then you are effectively the best (at sucking at it). Which translates to a superlative, and not just a vague representation of the lumpy portion of a normal bell curve.

So.. are you in that lumpy portion, just plain mediocre, or have you skewed your own curve.

It's Days Like This

2010-04-28T18:48:00.005+08:00

I woke up this morning with the sun shining up above, birds singing in the trees, and no clouds are floating in the heavens and, yet amongst this almost perfect day there sits trouble on my mind. It sits there nibbling away causing thoughts to dance and prance across their stage. At times, it makes me feel like my mind is caught up in some crazy little drama.

It’s days like this that make me want to lift my arms to the sky and fly away to another day.

I grow weary of these days when, everything seems uprooted by winds that push each day long. It seems to affect everyone and everything. Some days, it seems goodness is blown in on the winds, and then there are the other days, when life takes a turn for the worse.

It’s days like this that make me want to lift my arms to the sky and fly away to another day.

I want to bury my head in the sand and hide awhile amongst the grains, and still it may not be enough to thrust myself into hiding. Only bad things come from hiding. It’s better by far for me to send my stresses to the wind, than to let them get me to the point, that all I want to is scream until the walls crumble.

It’s days like this that make me want to lift my arms to the sky and fly away to another day...

...kaso pag labas ko kanina, inulan ako. Still... I lifted my arms to the sky and danced in the rain. Life is good!

Disclosure

2010-04-28T01:10:00.002+08:00

I haven’t disclosed my poz status to my friends yet. I wasn’t ready, I need to be sure that when I disclose my status to some of them, that I won’t have any regrets. It’s not the possible stigma after the revelation that I was worried about. It’s not that I don’t trust them to keep my poz status confidential until I’m ready to really be out there and be an advocate. I was just not ready yet.

Last night however, I told one of my close friends. I told him about my poz status and the whole story from me getting sick, to my current state. I told him through YM.

Lucky: I want to tell you a secret. But it’s not just an ordinary secret that you can tell another person. I know we have this habit on telling someone’s secret to another person but this is not the typical drama that we used to gossip. It’s something big...

Friend: Tutumbling ba ko dyan?

Lucky: I think I’ll get this year’s “Best Story of the Year” in our group. Are you ready?

Friend: Anuna?

Lucky: Kuha ka ng tissue. Kuha ka din ng alak.

Friend: Game na!

Lucky: I am HIV positive

I told him almost everything that happened. That the rashes were not from my TB medication but from my anti-retrovirals. That whenever I was in Alabang, I was in the clinic. That I’m a survivor. That I won’t die anytime soon. I’m to pretty to die.

I told my friend to not show pity on me. I told him that I wasn’t ready to tell them about my status before because I need to first sort things out by myself, the typical Lucky Trese attitude.

Friend: Di pa nagsisink-in sa akin yung sinabi mo. Pero I think in time, it will. Lutang ako ngayon sa news mo.

I was happy that I was able to tell one of my good friends about my poz status. Not because I need his support or anything, but I just want him to be informed of my situation. And of course, to set an example and establish a support system for them in case they check out as pozies as well. Knock on wood, wag naman sana.

I told him that he needs to get tested. That our friends should get tested. I do know the sexcapades of my friends. We discuss it blow by blow whenever we get bored talking about other people’s lives. He said that he’s afraid but I told him that early detection is better than just dying because of ignorance. I told him that if ever he tested positive, that at least I’m here to support him and help him out.

Friend: At least if I get tested positive, wag naman sana, may kapit ako sa loob.

Lucky: Naman!

Soon I’ll be telling my other friends, a select few, about my poz status. Then eventually, like what I told E and my friend, maybe I’ll come out in public. But I won’t come out in public and just be someone to be ridiculed. It will be an event. An HIV coming out party. Maybe contact my friend who’s a director to work on an independent film about the Pusits. Dapat... bongga!

But of course, me coming out in public won’t happen any time soon. Maybe next year. Who knows right?

Leaves Of Grass

2010-04-26T18:51:00.004+08:00

"For every atom belonging to me as good belongs to you"
- Walt Whitman in Leaves of Grass

I found a quote that sums up my current state of being. I feel calm. I feel content. I feel at peace. You would struggle to rouse me to anger or bitterness. It's an unusual feeling, and for me, not a normal one.

"Clear and sweet is my soul... and clear and sweet is all that is not my soul"

That line also made me reflect on those that hate me too. I’m constantly trying to stop hating them back, those bastards who would want to see me dead, who would deny me my basic human rights. The drama queens. The hecklers. I'm leaving it to them to hate. They have their own issues.

In place of hate, I feel pity. Why? Because they're moths.

Why moths?

Did you ever hear why moths fly into candles?

Moths navigate by light. The sun, the moon, the stars. They mistake the candle on the table for a natural light source. But because it's static, their navigation gets confused, and they fly round and round it in circles, getting gradually closer and closer. These people who hate me are the same. They have misidentified something good and natural as being evil and malevolent. They say I am the enemy, that I have no value except as figures of hate. And so they take all their cues from me; react against everything I do. But I try to keep thriving, and keep growing. My light, my way of life, my candle on the table, keeps getting bigger and stronger and brighter. Inevitable, this attracts more and louder hate. The result? You can see it everyday in their actions and statements. Their desperation is growing. They're spinning faster and faster and louder and louder in decaying orbits of hate and vitriol. So I'm just waiting for them to run into the flames and burn up. It will happen. It's already happening. The more work we do to combat it, the sooner it will happen. Eventually, all their hatred will be suddenly extinguished, with a pfffft and a silent scream.

So no, I don't hate them. I pity them. I pity them for the fact that when that time comes, they will have to account for their hatred, have to admit that they were wrong. And they will feel an enormous emptiness. All that misplaced, misdirected hate and energy. I pity them, because they will have to judge themselves in whichever afterlife they think they are going to, in front of whichever icon they worship, and they will have to judge themselves. And they will find that they are lacking. That they have been needlessly, viciously cruel to people who did not offend, and who did not deserve it.

You Can't Always Get What You Want

2010-04-24T15:42:00.002+08:00

It started out as a fun and sweet night but ended with tantrums and hissy-fits. Good thing Banchetto was there to comfort me. I heart Banchetto.

To The Hills

2010-04-19T23:53:00.003+08:00

Will be going to the Hills tomorrow to get my ARVs. Will meet up with ChemistGuy for lunch first then to the Hills. ChemistGuy is a new poz blogger. Seems that more and more pozzies are doing their own blogs. I think with Pinoy Poz Bloggers, we can share our stories, our sentiments, our eccentricity, our lives. We, like any other human being, still live a normal life.

E is sick. He's confined at the Hills. Will bring something, food, etc. I owe E a lot. He's one of those pozies who's been there for me during my first few months as a new pozzie.

So there... good night folks.

Date Night

2010-04-17T15:45:00.002+08:00

Last night I went out on a movie night with someone. We met up north, had Japanese for dinner, and went to the cinema house to watch Tina Fey and Steve Carell's movie, Date Night. Highly recommended. I love Tina Fey! Smart humor, full of adlibs and witty catch phrases. And to top it off, a topless Mark Wahlberg! It was a hillarious flick, might watch it again.

After the movie, I had 3 options, 3 places that I can go to that night. A party somewhere in QC with the vampires, alcohol binging at the Fort with some friends, and gay clubbing somewhere in the metro. I decided to go gay clubbing with a friend that I haven't seen for months!

I have lots of friends... the vampires, the becks, the straight ones, etc. And I try to balance my social life by fluttering from one circle to another.

We were a bit early... The music for me was too much... almost hard house. After an hour, I downed 2 bottles of alcohol already. Easy.... Need to rehydrate. Then came a fellow pozzie, Ate M. I texted him earlier, asking him if he's going out. He was trying to "avoid" me, not because he doesn't want to hang-out with me, but he wants me to lay low on my weekend gimmicks. Oh well, I am the black sheep of my poz circle, hard headed and stubborn.

Ate M was with his friends... MD, a doctor, who I find a little rough around the edges, semi-hot, a little shy. Then R, the chub guy. And then there was Star. Star and I were introduced last year but I guess he forgot who I was. He's the boy-next-door type.

My friend left early, good thing that Ate M and his friends where there... the night was young and I was in need of my weekly dose of clubbing.

People started to loosen up. MD was loosening up, he wasn't a snob after all. He was fun to hang out with. And hot. Hahaha. We hug every now and then. But I do know my limits in these situations. I don't take any step further than just being a good acquaintance. Not on first meet ups.

Later on that night, another poz came to the club with his friends. I was drunk and drugged already, decided that I need to rehydrate again. It's almost 5am. Need my sobriety back before I reach home.

**********************

I'll have my 2nd CD4 count on mid-May, right after the election. Do I worry much on my new CD4 count? Not really. But I do care. I started way low, a CD4 of 13. But life doesn't stop, the world continues to spin, and me just slacking at home won't make it better. I have my weekend getaways, and it's not really "weekly." I don't pull-out an all nighter like before. I make sure I have 8hrs of sleep at least. I monitor my alcohol levels. Etc.

I'm the daredevil but still cautious in a way. I work-out. I've been gaining weight. Building muscles. And slowly, trying to be a dumb blonde again. The pretty kid who can get away with almost everything. The guy who doesn't care much about what other people might say. I get criticized a lot of times. People are entitled with their opinions. But I don't get affected that much by how people reacts on every step that I take.

Living a life with HIV, what's "worse" than that. But in all honesty, I've never felt so alive.

Shooting Stars

2010-04-15T00:28:00.002+08:00

I was walking at the resort last night, the sky was clear, lots of stars in the sky. I sat by the bench and lit a cigg. Maybe I'll see a shooting star tonight, then I'll make a wish. And if I do see one, and if I wish hard enough, it has to come true. The stubborn thought process of a child made me want it to come true because I believed it could.

Not being a child, anymore, I still wonder if the skies hold any promise.

***

I wish people would take a step back and exhale.
I wish people would listen, understand, and be more open minded.
I wish people would give into the possibility of living.
I wish people cared enough to ask, rather than stare and be judgmental.

I wish I knew what was on your mind.
I wish I knew why my life is the way it is.
I wish I could make you proud.
I wish you peace, love and happiness.

I wish for a cure.

***

I don't know if my wishes will ever come true. They say that if you let the world know about what you want, what you dream, what you wish for, that if you project these ideas in the universe, that in some way, somehow, they might all come true.

I Am No Angel

2010-04-12T00:14:00.002+08:00

Risky Business

“I am no angel, I like it when you do that stuff to me...”
-Wynter Gordom, “Dirty Talk”

Being stuck at home ain’t fun at all. My activities are, but not limited to, working out 3x a week, practicing poi moves, watching reruns on cable and blogging. Was done updating my curriculum vitae, will start sending out my resume to companies. I need a job, something that I will excel at and will not bitch about. I don’t want a job at a BPO company. Total brain drain.

I went out with some friends last Friday at a low-end comedy/videoke bar. It was supposed to be a 1on1 date with a good friend, where I plan to dish out my poz status. My friend brought his soon-to-be partner and another friend of ours, i decided to postpone the big revelation. Sitting, drinking, watching the show bored me. At around 3ish, I left the bar and decided to go clubbing with another friend.

I love dancing. It makes me worry-less about life, and it’s a good form of exercise. The club was not as jam-packed as usual. Not that fire-hazardous.

Later on, K joined us. I met K months ago through E, but our conversations were just composed of small talks, heckles and punch lines. But this time, it was more than the usual bantering. First off, I officially revealed my blog identity to K. I’ve been slipping clues in my blogs and I know that K has been asking E about the identity of Lucky Trese. It’s not rocket science. Other topics that K and I talked about revolved around music, lovelife and twinks in heavy eyeliners. It was fun hanging out with K.

I went to McDonald’s, had 2 sausage+egg McMuffins, and large OJ. Got home around 7ish. Slept the whole day, went shopping and saw a cheap pair of blue faux leather shoes. Had dinner and went out again that night. That very dirty Saturday night.

It was sort of a reunion at the club. Hanged out with my first gay barkada, got drunk early (around 3ish), danced the night away. Then played the hookie role at the club.

I’m not the usual club predator, the club hookie. I go to the club, i dance, i get intoxicated, i socialize, i flirt a little, i tease. But I don’t play the hookie card that much. It’s been months since I had any action. It was last November when I hooked up with someone, a casual sleepover at his place. P has been wanting to hook-up with me for months, but being a new pozie made me a little hesitant about playing the Queen B role. E knew about my hesitations and frustrations.

But the combination of my antiretrovirals and alcohol put me in my hookie state. So i decided to play a little last Saturday night.

I saw a guy, about my height, fair skinned, borderline between lean and stocky, chinito. His body language suggests that he’s been wanting to meet me. He was across the room and kept giving me smirks and stares. Intimidating for some people but not for me. I stood beside him, slurred, danced and casually bumped into his arms. I then leaned at the rails and faced him then moved to the other railing. We were standing face to face and gave him a nod and a smile. Then snobbed him again.

The rules are for the other person to do the first move. That way, you’ll know if he likes you. You tease, you flirt, but you don’t give in. Those are MY rules. I can be aggressive but I like someone who can be aggressive with me.

After a couple of minutes, he approached me and introduced himself. The game is set.

His breathe smelled and tasted like vodka. He was about my height so making out was not that hard, I need not to tip-toe just to reach him. He then pulled me out of the club, to the dark 3rd floor stairway.

Sex? First let’s define sex. Sex for me involves someone being penetrated. I don’t consider hand jobs and fellatio as sex. There was no sex on the stairway. But there was a bit of this and that. There was a bit of thrill and a lot of risk involved. Oh well, when the cards were already dealt, all you need is to wait for the flop and the river to see if you can win the game of poker.

I gave him my name but not my number. That’s how I play the game. And I guess that’s how he wanted to end the deal as well. I went back to the club and pretended that nothing happened.

Am I back in the game? Was the dry spell lifted? I don’t know. A definite maybe.

My friends and I had breakfast and talked some more. A friend of mine noticed a certain glow in my face. I told them what happened but left out some details. You don’t have to dish out everything. You leave something for them to imagine. Even in my blogs, the whole story won’t be told.

“I am no angel...
I like it when you do that stuff to me...
I wanna do some dirty things to you tonight,
I wanna fight, all through the night, night, night.
I am no angel....”

Drop Dead

2010-04-08T19:46:00.002+08:00

Currently, I'm going through the motions of one extreme to the next - in rapid fire succession.

Recently, I found out why some cry baby hates me so much. As if i care, but for a second, I did. Not the fact that he hates me, but the fact that he told his friends about his unproven issue.

Hmmm... Maybe my anger issues has something to do with the fact that I need to be liked by almost everyone. Wahahahahaha! Nah... I'm happy with my friends. I don't need you.

Nah.

It doesn't matter, anyway.

I'll continue to be respectful of others, without showing any sign of hate towards those who glide by on life with their lips on pout mode, and the ability to fuck people over.

And, I'll continue repeating a phrase in my head to qualm the violent thoughts and keep the pot from boiling over:

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, drop dead.

3 Years

2010-04-08T00:34:00.004+08:00

How many bad dates do you have to go on before you find the love of your life? How many times do you have to purge before you can fit into that pair of pants for your friend's party on the weekend? How many? How much? How?

You keep on thinking it's going to come, but it doesn't. Then, you think it's going to come again, but it doesn't. Over and over. A repetitious and vicious cycle of ups and downs.

And, when it does come, it's short and rather anticlimactic. No fireworks. No cigarette.

Countless times I've come over the past several years. So many times that I have no juice left. Parched. Dehydrated. Powder. Dry.

It's exhausting.

Still, my fields get razed and rebuilt, time and time again, hoping that my time will come. There will be no waiting by the waves of gold, expecting a voice to whisper my destiny to me.

It's been 3 years since I was in a relationship. I've been in two short lived relationships. The first one chocked me to death, the second one used me as his 2nd hobby. But never was I jaded with love. And even now, being a poz, I keep on hoping that I'll find that someone. Or that someone to find me.

If not... then... oh well... Life continues right? :)

It's been a while

2010-04-06T01:43:00.002+08:00

Yeah... been two weeks since I posted something in this blog. So let me give you a quick summary of the events that's been happening to me lately...

Gym Boy
I decided to go back to the gym. I have lots of time to spare these days so 3days/wk at the gym it is. Years ago, well, I am not exactly the buff type but I got those muscles in my arms, nice enough pecs, etc. I want to go back to that state + more. I told myself... i need to be hot. LOL. Oh, and healthy. The ARVs, one of its side effects, makes your muscle shrink. So rather than looking a bangkay, I need to go hit the gym.

I also enjoy running the treadmill. Running keeps my mind of things. I used to run 5km in 30minutes. Now I'm at 3km in 30minutes. I need to hit the 5km/30min mark. Hopefully by May, I'll join my best friend in one of those runs at the Fort.

I also need to increase my body weight. I'm only 52kg/115lbs. My target weight is 130-135lbs. With exercise, good diet and my protein shakes, I hope to hit my target weight by June.

Did I mention that I want to look hot again? Yes.... I want to be a little more superficial about myself. Hahaha. I plan to use my hotness to tease a bunch of people... be that almost perfect tease once again. I dared a friend of mine that within the year, I'll take my shirt off at a gay club. Be a gogo boy for a night perhaps. I know a couple of gogo boys... they might need another dancer in their group.

Career Check
I am reviewing my options once again. I'm currently a bum. I need a job. But not just any job like what I had. I saw some job openings that I want to get. Need to update my CV. I've been working for 6years already. I want to be somewhere between middle management to top management positions. And... a job in which I can really be happy and enjoy what I'm doing.

Summer Vacation
Was in Puerto Galera from Friday to Sunday. Helped out with the "Take the Test" project of E. Wasn't there the whole day but helped as much as I could. Got drunk every night, partied the night away with friends, with a pozie group at the beach, with guys who sandwiched me at the dancefloor. Never kissed nor played with a guy at Galera. I went to the beach to get my tan, to eat fresh sea foods, to see some eye candies while having a plate of rice, and to party at night.

Speaking of Sex....
My last sexcapade was in June 2009. It's now April 2010. I'm on a dry spell. I guess sex is not that appealing to me anymore. Being a poz was a factor for my sexless months, but I am searching for something more than just a casual hook-up. Or maybe I'm just saying it now... Maybe I'll have sex with someone tomorrow. Well... who knows really.

Preparing for my next CD4 count
I'll have my 2nd CD4 count around mid-May, after the national elections. E got a +100 after 6 months, Little J got a +70 after 4 months. Some got minuses. I know that my CD4 will be higher than 13... but how high? All I know is that whatever my CD4 is, I'll be happy about it.

Friends, Frenemies, Freaks
I still am in contact with my friends these days. The barkada drifted apart but we kept in touch. Some I missed a lot, some I don't. Some I found has trust issues with me, maybe his drug addiction burned his brain cells at a rapid phase.

As for new friends... Let's just say that I found one of them really close to my heart like my evil twin sister. And almost every week, I find new ones. I'm no Miss Congeniality nor Miss Friendship though. I just like meeting new people and share my interests with them.

As for FREAKS... oh well... HAYUP KAYO! LOL. One freak just tick my nerves. I applied the rule of civility to this guy but never will you find me making beso with him again. May pera ako, gusto mo sampalin kita... ng barya sa mukha...

That's about it. I'm keeping myself busy and pretty these days. A superficial bitch. A topless tease. A lucky bastard. Fierce not fears.

I know right? :p

Peter Pans

2010-03-21T15:44:00.000+08:00

I guess everyone knows the story of Peter Pan.... The twink who flutters and flies, wearing green skinny tights, and who doesn't want to grow up.

GROW UP WILL YOU!

Sometimes, it's okay to be childish, to be playful, to be a kid. BUT.... do understand that reality is not as simple as child's play. Oh, another thing....

STOP IT WITH ALL THE DRAMA!

I mean, seriously, what's with the drama? I had my shares of shit in my life and I told myself to suck it up, stand up, accept it and move on. Honey... there's no point if you'll just deny deny deny.

You might be wondering who Peter Pan is... well... actually... there are a lot of Peter Pans flying around in the metro. He might be a poz. He might be an old friend of mine. An office mate. Someone I just met. Or maybe... maybe... it's you?

Good thing though that I'm not a part of any of these dramas around me. I had more personal concerns to deal with. I don't have the energy nor time to get myself involved with. I stay neutral. I stay as far away from the battlefield. I don't want to get in the crossfire. I'll just ask little Tinkerbell for updates.

Wonderland

2010-03-16T00:34:00.003+08:00

After a whirlwind of unforeseen and unfortunate events last week, the weekend finally came!

Friday was a slow one. I went out with my straight friend, the magician, at a straight bar.... Feels very Sixth Sense to me.... "I see straight people." Ladies grinding and gyrating to hip-hop tunes. This could've been my life if I was straight.... buti na lang bakla ako.

Saturday is movie night with friends. I met up with a newbie poz, Fish, first before watching Alice. We decided to have din din at Makati. I had a feeling that B.I.T.C.H. was in the area so I texted him. The one-on-one dinner with Fish became a 6-pack full of pozies at Greenbelt. Me, Fish, B.I.T.C.H., Leather Boy, Ivy (poz23) and Ati (the infamous eldest pusit of B.I.T.C.H.).

After dinner with the pozies, I met up with my friend to watch Alice. It was a great film IMHO. I'm not sure why some people kept on giving bad criticisms to the film. You just need to enjoy it. I love love the red queen! And I love my fat boys too!

After the movie, we went clubbing in Malate. Most of my friends were there. A lot of cute guys pero I'm a goody goody last night. Just had 3 bottles of beer that night. Goody goody mode. I left my friends in Malate around 5am. Got home around 630am, had breakfast, and slept.

Been sleeping the whole day last Sunday. Fun Fun Fun!

Staight Up

2010-03-07T20:41:00.001+08:00

Around noon last Saturday, a new friend, a straight guy (let’s call him the magician) that I met last January, asked me to come over to his place and join his friends for a small get together. I think it was the third time that the magician invited me to one of his parties. The magician and I were not really close. I met him once during an event and did not really spend a lot of small chit-chats with him. At first I was hesitant, thinking that this might be a set up for a gang-bang-tripper party of some sort but then again, the magician is a cutie. Ahahaha! Kidding aside, the magician asked me for some help and I was so eager to teach him some tricks. He’s been calling me “Idol” since we met. What can I say, I got talent!

He told me that the dinner party will start around 5pm (yeah, that early). I arrived around 530ish… it was only the magician and I in his place. He said that his best friend and his best friend’s girlfriend will arrive around 7ish, while the chicks (oh yeah…. Chicks pare) will be there around 9pm. Everyone’s straight except me.

While waiting for the rest of the crew, I taught the magician some tricks. What tricks? A software program that I’ve been using for years already. Haha.

I was already thinking of leaving his place around 7ish. Shortly, his best friend and best friend’s girlfriend came. I saw the best friend… sando boy! I decided to stay. Hahaha.

Later on, the chicks came. Then 2 other guests joined us as well – poker boy and another girl.

It’s been years since I got myself invited in a party where 99% were straight (excluding office parties of course). And the group was really nice to hangout with. A new way to spend my Saturday night.

The party ended around 4am. Poker boy was the first to go, then the chicks. Then me, sando boy and sando boy’s girlfriend. It was really nice to meet new people, and this time, straight ones. Half drunk and half sober, I decided to go to Malate.

My phone was already dead and I was not even sure if I’ll see some friends in Malate. Luckily, after waiting for about 20minutes in the streets of Nakpil/Orosa, I saw 3 friends, overly drunk.

We sat outside O-Bar. Malate is really…. All-sorts of gay. The discreet kind but when you start talking to them, they are sopranos in the making. I saw a guy wearing a zebra print glossy vest with a blond Mohawk. I guess animal prints are back. The “nagmamaganda pero di naman maganda.” My crushie (sheeeeeeeeeet!) who was drunk already. I want to approach him and re-introduce myself but I was so shy. Nakakainis! Next time baby (naks…. Baby). And of course, in one side of the street, you’ll see the contestants for Binibining Booking 2010. Kulang na lang salamin, parang built in aquarium na… ang lalansa. LOL.

I got home around 7ish. Home alone far away from the metro. It was a great Saturday night meeting new faces, being friends with my 2 Fag Stags – magician and sando boy, seeing the zebra print vest, etc.

---------------------

A pozzie asked me, “Are you happy?”

I said yes. Why shouldn’t I be happy? Yeah maybe I have some sad moments in my life, emo days, but over-all, I am happy. Happiness is a choice.

The same pozzie told me one time that he knows another pozzie who lives his life as if everything’s normal.

Well…. Except for the virus that flows in my blood, I still live a normal life. I got passed the denial and guilt stage of being an HIV-infected individual. I accepted it already. But having HIV does not cripple my abilities, does not put me in the disability zone, the incapables, etc.

Dear pozzie friend… I can’t help you change your outlook in life. Ultimately, it’s your choice. Choose to live a life in sadness and despair or choose to live a happy and fab life.

Friendly

2010-02-28T23:51:00.002+08:00

I am friendly. No seriously. I am. But let me tell you another thing... There is a difference between being friendly and being friends.

Was in RITM last Friday. Almost all of my poz friends were there + G. Wasn't feeling really well due to my low hemoglobin but I was able to throw a few jokes every now and then. After lunch, we went to the annex area, Magic Sing time for most of the pozzies. I brought my laptop and have to do some work.

Here's the thing. When I'm working and focused on it... you cannot disturb me... don't even try. Haha.

And then came R. Well, in an ideal world, I guess our personalities will click... But that day, I was anemic, working, and bitchy. R started throwing jokes at everyone... No response from me. Then he started talking to me... rubbing me the wrong way.

I was being friendly.... meaning.. instead of attacking him, i just shut my mouth. That is the reason why I shut my mouth and just focused on my laptop. I do not want to start any tension at RITM... I can start a fight and I can claw his face off.

G was a bit concerned, me not being my usual self. I just told him that I feel tired and just need to finish something in my PC.

R then started bickering and heckling yet again. I chose to ignore him.

What I hate about R is that he can't take any hint!!! All bitches should know that when someone doesn't want to interact with them, that they should stop already. R kept on bugging me. But I kept quiet and chose to build a firewall between us.

After RITM, we had dinner at the mall then walked a long way towards the bus terminals. I talked to Avatar and told him why I was being aloof with R. I told him that I don't like R, and shutting myself up is me being friendly to him. I was about to tell R - "Are we close?" and
"Are we friends?" but chose to shut up instead. Yeah, R and I have almost the same personality but the difference is.... i know when to stop... and I'm prettier.

I don't like you. And I don't need to anyway. Good riddance.

A Little Insecure

2010-02-23T23:35:00.004+08:00

I always have my moments of insecurity. I think it is normal. I was never gifted with good skin, good physique, etc. I don't believe in good genes. Everything is hardwork.

Years ago, I pulled off a eurpoean-ish lean look. Biceps, triceps, pecs and abs. Nice skin color. But then a lot had happened to my life... My mom getting sick, jumping from one job to another, etc. To-date, I know I still look good. Maybe not modelesque but I do have something. I am-door not a head turner, the boy-next-door, etc.

I still have my rash marks. I dropped weight, at 53kg. I was hospitalized for almost a month last year. I partied every weekend last year. I used recreational drugs. Etc.

So this year is the year of looking hot and all. I was looking at my old semi-hunky pics. Give me 2-3 months and I'll turn heads. Boys will squirm and wish they know me. Hahahaha. Steps steps steps

1-Get out of my anemic state.

2-Go back to the gym.

3-Grow my hair long. I look hot and nice with long hair

4-Time to go out and shop more.

Yes... i may sound like a dumb blonde. The typical dumb blonde who just wants to be pretty. Well, nothing's wrong with being pretty. And I want to regain my title as the "Tease." Back then, I will just stand in a club or in the mall, make all those flirtatious moves. I love a good exchange of words, reparte. Body language and all. Kissing.... then.... not giving out my number at the end... I walk away...

Yes.... the "Tease" will be back. Soon.

Anemic

2010-02-23T23:13:00.001+08:00

This afternoon, I made my trip to RITM. I need to get my CBC and ask the doctor if I need to change ARVs. I am not sure where my fatigue was coming from – heat exhaustion or from my ARV. I have my 8-10 hours of sleep, I have cut down on my gimmick, I am not spending the wee hours partying anymore. Well maybe last Valentine weekend I had 2 straight nights clubbing and all but based on my body clock, I really just had a couple of extra hours past my usual bed time.

I was feeling so-so until last week. I feel tired when I wake up, after taking my meds, etc. You can usually spot me walking to work with a black umbrella and Gatorade. Lately, I’m looking pasty white. I was not sure if it was from the peeling soap and clindamycin that the dermatologist prescribed for my rash marks, or if I’m getting anemic or something. Last Sunday, my pozzie friends told me that I look pale. Little J thought that I’m wearing a lipstick. Lipstick??? People don’t wear lipsticks on summer, fashion 101. LOL.

I arrived around 330pm and Ate Ana showed me my Feb 3, 2010 CBC results. My hemoglobin count was at 100, normal is 130. What?!? I was at RITM weeks ago but no one was there except for Ate E, I asked for my records and the Feb3 CBC results is not yet on my file. It was only this morning that my CBC results was included in my records, it’s not yet stapled in my folder.
Ate Ana told me to get another CBC test. I then waited for the result in the clinic. I already know that my fatigue and exhaustion was due to my low hemoglobin induced by my ARV (Zidovudine). I may need to have my Zido changed to something else.

While waiting for the result and my consultation, I saw 2 familiar faces in the clinic. We haven’t actually met but they are friends of friends. A newbie pozie was also there with his mom. 3-4 other posies was there as well. Most of them waiting for CD4 results.

My CBC results came out….. it dropped to 63. From 130 to 100 to 63! I then made my initial consult with Dra. A. We discussed about my meds, my cbc… And then I was shocked when my ARV won’t be changed. I then asked Dra. A why my ARV should still be Zido even if, obviously, my hemoglobin is less than half the normal count.

Dra. A is one of the new Doctors in RITM. She actually is an expert on pulmonary tuberculosis but not yet on HIV patients. She and another doctor handles “light” HIV cases. I remember meeting them during my first visit. Still on training. Good thing I have my poz friends and researched about my ARVs, otherwise, I might be taking Zidu tonight and continue to drop my hemoglobin count.

Dra. A then consulted to Ate Ana… I find it weird, a doctor consulting to Ate Ana. Ate Ana said that my Zido ARV should be changed to Stavudine. But to be 100% sure, we went to Dra. D. Dra. D said that I need to change to Stavudine. She said that my hemoglobin count will normalize in a month’s time. She said I can get Erythropotein if I want faster results, but at my own cost. It’s Php 2,000 per shot. She said 2-3 shots would be good enough. I told myself I’m getting 2 shots starting Friday then Monday next week.

We went back to the clinic, I got my prescription for my ARVs, antibiotics, etc. My prescription for Erhthroprotein. And then I asked for a medical certificate. I need to rest this week. I really can’t stand the heat. And with my Anemic status, I don’t want to just collapse in the middle of EDSA and be on the tabloids.

“Baklang Anemic, hinimatay sa MRT.”

The 2k/shot is not an issue. I’m getting 2-3 shots. All I want is to feel better. I owe it to myself, my family, my friends… and of course, my fans. LOL.

LOL: Laugh Out Little

2010-02-22T23:11:00.006+08:00

The pozies went on another field trip. Weeks ago, I asked them if they want to watch Live A.I.D.S. Live A.I.D.S. is not a play about people having HIV/AIDS. It's an annual comedy show by UP SAMASKOM.

8 pozies went to watch the show. E bailed out on us ("nagtago ang birthday gerl"). M can't make it. We had another newbie poz with us, poz23.

So.... Little Jenny was late. LATE. We waited for him til around 6pm before we went to UP. Sayang we we're unable to make tusok tusok the fishballs and/or boys in UP. At 6pm, the place was already packed with students and a lot of hot boys. KofiBoy pozie friend was there, some friends, officemates, etc. Did I mentioned.... hot boys? LOL. Laugh Out Little.

We we're inside the theater around 7pm. Good thing we arrived 6pm, otherwise, we will be standing through-out the show. Though we were not in great seats, being seated is already a delight. I remember years ago sitting on the stairs for 2 hours.

So then... Live AIDS started. I saw a good friend on stage as one of the actors. Clap clap clap. Super fun. "Ang sakit ng panga ko kakatawa" sounds like an understatement.

Love love love the Avakler skit (Avatar spoof). I love Aling Dionisia as well (Cobra). Sakit. Sarap, Sakit-Sarap. Alalalalalala Alou. A I I U U. Abnoynoy and Dick Garden. Hahahaha...

I sooooo miss theater. Back in college, i worked on scripts for my club. Nothing big really. I also choreographed a dance routine. And back in HS, I was on school and church theater (good old days of me and TGM).

After the show, before leaving UP, I pulled B.I.T.C.H. and introduced him to KofiBoy pozie friend. Then late dinner in Philcoa. Then a nice late night chit-chat with some of the pozies at Sbucks.

Poz23 and I shared a cab going south, dropped him along the way. I asked him about his first poz gimmick. So glad that he enjoyed the night... pucha... first time sumama, nanalo pa sa raffle! LOL. I told him that the poz squad goes out and have fun, talk about HIV/AIDS based on knowledge and experience. On a normal tone, conversational, not like having HIV is the end of the world.

I also told him that one way or another, his so called-career and my 2nd career choice can still be achieved. A little harder but can be done. Life does not end with HIV. That, I am an advocate of.

Speaking of advocacy. Bit by bit I want to help out on this. I want to voice out in the poz communicty that life goes on, that dreams can still be achieved. But I guess I want something more...

B.I.T.C.H, E, and TGM... need any help on the advocacy?

Live. Love. Laugh.... Laugh Out Little and it will take some of the pain away :)

-------------------------------

I'm going to visit RITM tomorrow. I think one of my ARVs need to be changed. Low blood. Low hemoglobin count. I look pasty white. And usually get dizzy getting up in the morning. Headache. Etc. They might change my Zido to Teno. Good news is that I just need to drop 1 set of ARVs every 24 hours.

New Boy, Birthday Boy, Oh Boy

2010-02-20T22:10:00.003+08:00

New Boy

Last night I was out with a new pozzie friend. A newbie in the colorful world of HIV.

We had coffee and I was all ears for my newbie pozzie friend. I always tend to be the listener during first meet ups, trying to know and understand who the person is. Yeah, sometimes, people think that I'm a calculating bitch but not really. Anyway...

So this and that and I was glad that I was there for my newbie friend. I told him that the group I'm with is not a support group.

Let me clarify that....

I'm with poz friends. The support system is just an added bonus. We hang-out, we talk, we bitch around... like any ordinary barkada. Another circle of my many circles. I look at Mami, E, TGM, EM, Little J, etc... as my friends. And I'm sure, my newbie friend would be happy to be part of the circle.... See you soon!

Birthday Boy

Happy happy happy birthday to E! I met E around November. It was only last month that we started hanging out. Happy birthday E! More gimmick nights and more more fun with the rest of the Pantene girls. LOL. Super glad we met... Oh and yes... you owe me a kwento pa. By the way, i have a gift for you. See yah soon!

Oh Boy

Okay okay okay. So my blog identity got busted. No issue really. I trust you guys. See.... I'm living proof that life continues even when you're a poz. Just like E and H and those who are out with their poz status. Live life. Love. Laugh. LOL!

What Makes Me Happy

2010-02-16T22:13:00.008+08:00

Last Sunday was Valentines Day. And because I’m single, there was nothing waiting for me. Tradition, I guess.

Valentine’s Day is a day like any other but the whole point of it is to enjoy it with someone you love. I have a hard time finding someone to spend my days with someone I like, but that’s another story.

No cards, flowers, chocolates, or romantic dinners/walks/etc., but it’s not like I’ve had that in years past. I’ll partake in the day like everyone else who is single. It’s not like I haven’t done it for over +20 years. Maybe that can be my tradition, be single every 14th of February.

------------------------

Things are looking good, full gear on my 2nd career. Crossing my fingers that at least 1 out of 4 attempts will be a success. My first career makes the money, my 2nd career makes me happy. And being single suits me. Yeah, I sort of decided that I'll be single this year. I'll go on dates, casual hookies (hmmmm....), but committing myself to someone... Uhm, pass. Well, I can always change my mind but for now, i want to take care of myself, my happiness, and my life first.

Pillow Talk

2010-02-11T22:09:00.000+08:00

There are times where I feel the need to be comforted and a pillow won’t do. It’s not because I’m lonely. It’s because I want to feel the comfort and the warmth of another body. I need someone beside me, to cuddle with me.

Just to have somebody there, with an arm around me, or with my arm around them, feeling their faint breath on my neck, or mine in their hair.

But, there’s nobody here. There’s nobody to cuddle with.

So, I guess it’s back to my pillow.

Reporter's Notebook - HIV

2010-02-10T17:45:00.001+08:00

Lurve

2010-02-09T20:48:00.001+08:00

True, you can be in love any time of the year, but it seems Valentine’s Day is the one time of the year where you have to show it. And showing love entails spending money. Whoever says love is free does not work in the fields of advertising and marketing.

What about those who don’t have anyone to show anything to? They don’t get the chocolates and flowers, and dinner is probably out of the question. And, don’t even bother bringing up the topic of sex unless it involves your hand or an inanimate device that runs with an electrical current.

C’est l’amour, c’est la vie.

Sadly, it doesn’t happen to everyone. Or, can it? Does it matter what time of the year it is, or is it specifically-related to a date?

Ra Ra Sis Bum Ba

2010-01-25T00:12:00.007+08:00

After a busy week at work, my friends (non-pozies) decided to go grab something to eat banchetta along Emerald avenue. A night market full of street food and eye candies (harhar) in the busy call center life of Ortigas. I had a half pounder monster burger. Oh yes, a half-pound beef patty, grilled… monstrous indeed. Waited for about half an hour then ate the whole thing in just 15 minutes. It was worth it. Was supposed to get other stuff to eat but then decided that we cannot take smelling “inihaw” ourselves. R and I went to Malate while J went home.

In Malate, R and I decided to go clubbing separately. He’s meeting up with old fling while I promised E to hang-out with him. I met up with E at the infamous and oh-so fire hazardous O-Bar. He was with Kane (work it work it) and Onestrangeboy. I already met E last November but it was our first night to really amped it up and party. It was fun night clubbing with E. Let’s just say we share the love for both music and dance. We were party boys. He introduced me to J and K… J I knew…. It’s a small world we revolve with.

Left E around 530ish, need to get some rest. We will party and go-gimmick again soon E. It was really nice to know that there’s a pozie that I just go dancing and have fun!

Slept the whole day, woke up, got dressed, went to another gimmick… Gimmick night with the pozies at Gateway.

Had dinner at T.Boy. Suprisingly, we were more than the usual 7 suspects. 11 of us were there.

- Mami of course… and G was there (yay!)
- Leather Boy and Avatar Aang
- IC, M and Yogi Bear
- Aling Baby, NY and J

Little Jenny was unable to join us…. Miss you sis!

After dinner, we had DQ and then decided to go….

Well, we first spent an hour or so deciding where to go. Cubao was never my turf, Palawan was NOT an option of course. Tomas Morato is boring. Malate was too far…. So I suggested we go to Ortigas and go clubbing at Obar ortigas.

Before Obar, we had…. EEEEEEK…. My fave…. Shiraz yellow tail. My fave!

We then went clubbing… IC and I go way back in our clubbing and partying days. M was a party boy as well. As for G…. last night was his big night. A reunion of all sorts… meeting his old school friend who is actually a good friend of mine as well. G and Mon and Peter, the Malate oldies…. And of course… G and the Gogo Boy! Ahahahaha….

It was fun… Clubbing and the drag shows. Here’s a clip of an impersonator of Lady Gaga, performaning Bad Romance…. Snap gurl!

And this is a click of G’s gogo boy… Pwede….

All I can say is that… G… ang landi mo! Kaya like kita eh. LOL.

Mami, NY, M. Leather Boy, Avatar and I went to Libis to get breakfast. Well… I didn’t get any. I was still high on EFV. Haha.

I got home before 7am… Was unable to sleep…. Because… uhmm… it’s something personal and I’ll just keep it to myself. All in all… in summary… it was a happy weekend for me, and I hope for the people I hanged out with, fun as well.

Ewan ko lang kay G…. kasi sya…. Super saya I guess… Hahaha… Wabyu friend!

I Deserve Better

2010-01-22T16:12:00.002+08:00

I have recently been chanting a mantra to myself whenever I‘m feeling a low and need a boost of self-esteem.

You deserve better. You deserve better than that. You deserve better. Period.

I know when things are down, they’re down for a reason. I have to hit the bottom to see the view towards the sky. Even if there are others who appear to have it all, I need to remind myself I deserve better, not more; a matter of quality over quantity.

If I lose something, I deserve to find something better. If I miss out on an opportunity, I deserve to get a better one. If someone leaves me, I deserve a better person in my life.

Why? I deserve better. I deserve better than that. Period.

Monthsary

2010-01-17T21:45:00.002+08:00

It's been a month (more or less) since I met my poz circle, my poz friends. Lovet!

First it was Mami and Eric. Then IC, Little Jenny, and then I met G (Papi). Saw TGM but we were never re-introduced (met him 15 years ago). Then there's Leather Boy. Then M...

We then had our Christmas party where I met Yogi Bear and Avatar Aang. Then there's N...

A small group of people who hangs out every now and then. Just nice to know that we find common interests, likes, etc... aside from being pozies of course.

Mami, TGM and I came from the same school. Mami and I from the same building.

IC, I met long time ago in the club...

N and M were party boys so to speak...

G and I had common friends and frenemies... and we're sooooo upper east side.

N and I had someone in common...

Little J... is Little J :)

Yogi Bear and I had a lot of facebook mutual friends... ahaha!

E met a non-pozie friend of mine just recently...

So there....

We're not really an established support group with a list of officers, a well written mission and vision. We're just a group who likes to have fun, hang-out. Every now and then, we have add-ins in our gimmicks. Fun...

Been meeting more and more pozies... exponentially... sooner or later, my status as a pozie might be out in public. Someone might accidentally blurt out that I'm a pozie to some non-pozies. Hopefully not any time soon... Maybe towards the end of the year... I'm slowly psyching myself up that I will be an advocate of HIV awareness. We'll see... For now... all I wanna do is to have fun my poz friends and work on my health... oh yeah... and happiness :)

Mr. Orange

2010-01-15T00:40:00.001+08:00

Oh yes... it's back....

Tuesday night, i noticed some mild skin rashes in my arms. At first I thought that I was just having some skin irritation. On my way home, i noticed that the pantal is spreading....

Yes... the pantal is spreading...

In my arms, chest area, neck... and some pantal in the face.... Grrrrr.

When I got home, i took a quick shower... Used a hypoallergenic soap and applied Hypo TA. in my skin... Hmmmm.. itchy.... then took Iterax to relieve the itchiness.

Then at 10AM, i woke up with rashes now almost covering 70% of my upper body.

I went to RITM to have my rashes checked... G tagged along to the derma area. Ang gulo promise, but nice just to laugh about my new freckles.

G: T, hold my hand.... tuturukan na ako ni Doc

T: Anu baaaaaa? Game! Hahaha

Then it was my turn for my consultation. I told G to go ahead and not wait up and will just meet him back at the classroom.

Diagnosis by 3 dermatologists:

1. Possibly still caused by Nevirapine... It usually takes max 8 weeks before it gets flushed out from the body.

2. Might be due to Efavirenz.

So there... their recommendation is for me to stop my Efav.

(OH NO....)

After my consultation from the clinic, i went back to the classroom. Leather Boy and Avatar Ang went home. "I" was there as well and two other pozies. G was there. I showed them my hypo T.A. lotion...

Hypo T.A. lotion smells like a guy... The smell of after sex. Ahahaha..

G smelled it, everyone took a sniff... Oh yeah... amoy sex!

G and I went to the clinic to say our goodbyes to Ate. I told Ate what the dermatologists recommended... she told me to get a consult with Dr. C... Dra. D was not there for consultation.

Dr. C told me that my rashes might be caused by my ciproflox and/or cotri. He wants me to stop my ciproflox and cotri. Hopefully, one of those two (or both) might be the real reason for my rashes. If not..... then it might be my Efav. There are no reported cases yet in RITM of major rash side effects due to efav.... But with my history of drug resistance to certain meds.... sana wag naman...

If i get drug resistant to Efav... i'll be on my 3rd line of ARV.... Aluvia na ba? Haha...

Stayed for a while and waited for "I" to get his loot bag from the pharmacy. Will be back this Monday for another consult with Dr. C.

Sweet Dreams

2010-01-10T16:06:00.003+08:00

It’s been a week since I started taking Efavirenz and can I just say, my week long experience with this anti-retroviral has been pretty much amazing...

Efavirenz is to be taken once a day (every 24 hours), preferably before sleeping. Side effects includes dizziness, life-like dream states, raise in body temperature, etc.

Dizziness – I say it is tolerable. Usually kicks in on the first 2-3 hours. It’s not really dizziness but more on losing balance when walking or standing up. Light headedness, like after taking ecstacy or marijuana or ketamine. Manageable. My senses are floating on mid-air. In local drug addict terms – sabaw. Oh yes, I gotta feeling. A sabaw feeling. My body was already trained for light headedness, after my 2 years of substance use (ecstacy, MDMA, PCB, ketamine, marijuana and social intake of cocabout 0.75g of cocaine).

Body heat – The irritating side effect especially when I just want to fall asleep, or have an 8-hr straight sleep. I usually wake up every 3-4 hours because of the raised body temp. No body sweat involve. Just like having too many alcohol where you face, ears, chest, back, slowly raises temperature.

Dreams – On my first efavirenz, I dreamts of folding blankets of different colors, 3 dimensional reds, pinks and oranges. I know that I’m asleep, dreaming, controlling my dreams. But I cannot stop or just flip the page to the next scene.

Lately, my dreams were becoming almost a continuation of what happened during the time that I was awake. Sort of an epilogue but abstract. Last night, my dreams were sexual. 2 sex dreams.

The first one involves me having sex with…. I know that I was dreaming but at some point, I thought I was really having sex with him. The positions – from him being on top of me, then to us both sitting down face to face, then on missionary, sideways, flipping all over. My goodness… Oh yeah, I remember using rubber. Then what I love most is that we cuddled afterwards. Yes…. I love to cuddle. I woke up… still dry, but exhausted. Buti pa sa panaginip may nangyari na.

Then again another dream of me fooling around with two guys I haven’t met before. Not so familiar faces, probably saw them somewhere. The first part involves me watching them fool around, second part involves me joining them during foreplay. I can actually feel every touch. My goodness. Kung ganito lagi panaginip ko eh di masaya.

I woke up wondering why I dreamt of me having sex with….. we never really talked about doing it. I guess part of me is saying that I want to hold him close to me. Or maybe I just need to have sex, my goodness, it’s been almost 7 months since I had sex.

So going back to efavirenz…. It’s a great antri-retroviral. Manageable side effects. Parang amats lang, lutang ka na, sabaw pa, may kasama pang visuals.